Searching for lasting meaning while feeling pointless...
Last night I was thinking, and this is kind of dumb, but I was thinking like literally the only thing that could possibly make my life actually purposeful is if somehow, I did something or I was a part of something that is greater than me. And the only way that I could be a part of something greater than me is if it was in relation to God. And I was also thinking just now recently if there was no God then honestly life would be meaningless, like it would be because what do you have You can eat some food, you can travel, you can have relationships I guess and then you can make money and all that and I feel like without God all that means nothing.
Sometimes a lot of things even with God also mean nothing. So, it's like if my life is to have any genuine impact or meaning or sort of purpose it has to be spiritual first of all and second it can't be equivalent to a dollar sign because after death none of that stuff matters anymore. After death it's like that stuff never even existed or happened and if that's the case if none of that is actually of any worth and there's no sort of currency to it, I guess you could say, that won't mean anything after death. If you have all the money in the world or whatever, then like what is it after life in Paradise? What is the thing that is genuinely valuable? And the only thing that there could be is a relationship or like connection to God because I don't know what could be more grand. And if there wasn't that, then it's like, okay, I'm just here and everything is just kind of a means to an end.
And even now with this belief that there is a God, there is still this feeling of like how much am I doing? Is this worthwhile? Is this worth doing? Is there something greater that I could be pursuing or I could be a part of that would ultimately lead to something that is eternal, genuinely lasting. And I guess that is really what I am searching for.
I know, it's not going to come right away. It's not instant, obviously.
I'm not concerned with making myself last, but I'm concerned with being part of something that lasts beyond me. And it's difficult because I'm thinking more and more that at some point I might have to give up a lot. And that also makes me afraid because I feel like God would say something like, you know, if you really want to be part of something big, then forget everything and go do this. And it's like, I don't know if I want to do that. I don't know if I have the guts to do that. And I don't know if I'm ready to give everything up. I mean, I haven't even gotten anything insane yet. It's like, how could I give anything up? But yeah, it's almost like this underlying feeling that I've had that's like, man, everything I'm doing now, it's important, but it's just a beginning and it's just some kind of segue into whatever else maybe God has planned. And thinking about that, like right now, the feeling of thinking about that, I'm like, I'm afraid because I like where I'm at. Yet also where I'm at, I don't know if I can see 50 years of it or, you know, somehow if I stayed doing the same thing that I'm doing now. If I did this for the rest of my life, would I think that I did something or would I think that I was maybe successful just in general or worldly or human terms, but was I at all successful spiritually in some deeper way? And that is just what I wrestle with a lot.
I do not want to take everything that I have now and just throw it out. But I also don't want to be overly attached to it either because that can hold me back. But it is the thing that makes you. And you don't want it to be like that because then you become a slave to whatever it is. So, I have to have to be careful with how I spend my time, how I spend my energy, what do I think about, and on this river of places I'm going, things I'm doing, and just see where God takes me.
But for some weird reason, I feel like something's going to change drastically. Maybe it'll be in 10 years, 20 years. I don't know. But I know right now I feel like I'm going to have to give up a lot at some point. I don't know why, but it's just weird. And like I said, that scares me. And I don't feel like I want to do that. And maybe, you know, that's okay. Maybe I don't have to do that right now. But maybe I have to do it down the line. Or maybe it's just like I'm completely wrong and maybe I'm just completely out of my mind and it was just that one weird night that just made me feel this way and I'll forget this feeling and it'll just be like this is just like a one-off thing. But I don't know. I'll have to see. Of course, I don't know. Only God does.
But I hope in the long run, whatever I do can be of some genuine meaning, genuine purpose, some type of real lasting divine benefit. But we'll see. I don't know.
Sometimes a lot of things even with God also mean nothing. So, it's like if my life is to have any genuine impact or meaning or sort of purpose it has to be spiritual first of all and second it can't be equivalent to a dollar sign because after death none of that stuff matters anymore. After death it's like that stuff never even existed or happened and if that's the case if none of that is actually of any worth and there's no sort of currency to it, I guess you could say, that won't mean anything after death. If you have all the money in the world or whatever, then like what is it after life in Paradise? What is the thing that is genuinely valuable? And the only thing that there could be is a relationship or like connection to God because I don't know what could be more grand. And if there wasn't that, then it's like, okay, I'm just here and everything is just kind of a means to an end.
And even now with this belief that there is a God, there is still this feeling of like how much am I doing? Is this worthwhile? Is this worth doing? Is there something greater that I could be pursuing or I could be a part of that would ultimately lead to something that is eternal, genuinely lasting. And I guess that is really what I am searching for.
I know, it's not going to come right away. It's not instant, obviously.
I'm not concerned with making myself last, but I'm concerned with being part of something that lasts beyond me. And it's difficult because I'm thinking more and more that at some point I might have to give up a lot. And that also makes me afraid because I feel like God would say something like, you know, if you really want to be part of something big, then forget everything and go do this. And it's like, I don't know if I want to do that. I don't know if I have the guts to do that. And I don't know if I'm ready to give everything up. I mean, I haven't even gotten anything insane yet. It's like, how could I give anything up? But yeah, it's almost like this underlying feeling that I've had that's like, man, everything I'm doing now, it's important, but it's just a beginning and it's just some kind of segue into whatever else maybe God has planned. And thinking about that, like right now, the feeling of thinking about that, I'm like, I'm afraid because I like where I'm at. Yet also where I'm at, I don't know if I can see 50 years of it or, you know, somehow if I stayed doing the same thing that I'm doing now. If I did this for the rest of my life, would I think that I did something or would I think that I was maybe successful just in general or worldly or human terms, but was I at all successful spiritually in some deeper way? And that is just what I wrestle with a lot.
I do not want to take everything that I have now and just throw it out. But I also don't want to be overly attached to it either because that can hold me back. But it is the thing that makes you. And you don't want it to be like that because then you become a slave to whatever it is. So, I have to have to be careful with how I spend my time, how I spend my energy, what do I think about, and on this river of places I'm going, things I'm doing, and just see where God takes me.
But for some weird reason, I feel like something's going to change drastically. Maybe it'll be in 10 years, 20 years. I don't know. But I know right now I feel like I'm going to have to give up a lot at some point. I don't know why, but it's just weird. And like I said, that scares me. And I don't feel like I want to do that. And maybe, you know, that's okay. Maybe I don't have to do that right now. But maybe I have to do it down the line. Or maybe it's just like I'm completely wrong and maybe I'm just completely out of my mind and it was just that one weird night that just made me feel this way and I'll forget this feeling and it'll just be like this is just like a one-off thing. But I don't know. I'll have to see. Of course, I don't know. Only God does.
But I hope in the long run, whatever I do can be of some genuine meaning, genuine purpose, some type of real lasting divine benefit. But we'll see. I don't know.
26-30, M