Pondering life and my biggest fear
My biggest fear is dying after having done nothing with my life. That is my greatest fear. It's not really dying alone. It's not, you know, death itself. But it's looking back and realizing I wasted all of my time. It's looking back and realizing I did nothing. I didn't make an impact. I didn't have any relationships. I didn't have any experience. I just either laid back, I was too lazy, or I was just too fearful or too hesitant, and I ended up doing nothing. That is my greatest fear.
And you know, people would say, you know, oh, you have time. That's right. I have time. But the only thing that I don't like about that is I could die tomorrow. Who knows how long I'm going to live. I don't know. I could live a hundred years. I could live only until tomorrow. And it's that uncertainty that makes me realize that I can't live passively. No matter my age, it doesn't matter how young or old you are. It's not like, you know, life is this thing that you can just, I don't know, expect that you're going to live 80 years or 70 years. I mean, I don't have that certainty. No one does. Yet, we live like we do. But we don't have that. And I don't want to just assume, okay, maybe I got another 50, 60 years ahead of me now, these years I can just waste. No. Like I want to do something, and I don't want to look back even a couple years from now. I don't want to have to look back and realize I wasted that time. That is just the thing that I wrestle with most... that you know, I had so much I could have done, whether it be I had potential or I had
talent or I had an ability, but I just squandered it. And that is just heartbreaking.
When you hear old people reminisce about their regrets, like they regret not traveling more or experiencing or facing their fears. And really that's all just sums up into like just doing and living. And I don't I don't want to have that. Obviously, there's regrets. I mean I already have regrets, but I think I can still reconcile those regrets and to, I don't know, make up for them but learn from them without having to bear too much consequence. At least I hope so. And I think the sooner that you can realize this and the point at which you can actually start living with this type of, I guess, agency and I feel like you will look back and be at least a little bit more satisfied.
The thing is life is not like this thing of worrying about not having regrets. It's like you don't plan that. You don't plan to have regrets, or you don't plan to not have regrets. It's just like you gain experience. But that's the thing. I just want to experience. And I don't want my regret to be having not experienced. I do have regrets, I want the regrets to be from having experienced, having lived life. And right now, I'm at this point where I feel like I'm just wasting my days. I feel like I should be out there living life. Like you see the movies and you see like people in high school or college like those movies of young people and you think man they're doing all this stuff all this fun stuff they're living their life or even social media and I just think, "man what am I doing?" What am I doing with my life? I'm just here sitting and I should be out there in the world experiencing making relationships with people having friends you know all that stuff but I'm not. And it makes me, I don't know, in some extent sad, maybe even a bit jealous or envious of other people. And it's like I don't I don't want to feel that way. And I don't think it's about forcing these things, but more so because everyone has a different path. I'm not saying I want to just live a careless life, you know, although that sounds nice. I'm not saying that would necessarily work for me because of the way I think. But I want to at least be someone who does something with his life. And right now, it's pretty minimal. And I feel like it's been minimal for the past almost four years where, you know, I went to school, came back home, you know, you eat dinner and then you go to bed. And then get a job and basically do the same thing. You don't really do anything. You're not growing.
And I do think, ironically, I did grow in maturity the past four years, you know, just like me as a person. But it wasn't really through action. It was just through so much thinking. And I'm done with thinking so much. I mean, I think it's a part of me and it's not ever really going to go away, but like I just want to get out there. I want to do something. I want to be somewhere doing something that I am going to remember.
And life is not this thing. It's not this competition of who has the most experiences because living life that way is not enjoyable. like trying to maximize it. I don't think life is something that should be maximized and you should be always thinking about how I can live my life to the fullest in that sense, but more so just not feeling like you're restricting yourself. You don't have to be pushing it to the limit, but you just have to at least want more and then not prevent yourself from trying to get it. And that is where I'm at.
So yeah, I don't want to look back and realize I did nothing. I don't want to be 50, 60 years old, 80 years old, whatever, and be like, man, I had all that time and I just did nothing. Because then what good would old age do for me?
Genuinely, how would living long do me any good if I did nothing with my life? I don't see the point in living long but living just a blank life. And for me personally, that just doesn't sound fun. Time is just a number. Time is just like this construct just to measure change. But real experience, life, this thing that you can just know and it's so hard to describe, but there's so much to it. And I don't want to put it into this box of just thinking, okay, you get this set of years, okay, well, maybe waste some of it, maybe spend some of it doing good stuff. No, I just want to live for all of it. And I don't know how long it will be, but I want to live for all of it and as much as I can. And I'm so tired of just like staying here.
I don't know. I'm like I've lived in the same town my whole life and you know it's a nice place, nice people and everything. You know, it's provided me a mostly good upbringing, and I've now been with the same company going on almost 2 years, I think, but I want to explore. I want to get out there. I'm not necessarily like a homebody in in the full sense of it. It's true, I do find comfort at home, but also something inside of me longs to explore. I just need to fulfill that. And if I didn't, if I never did that, that would be my biggest regret of not having the courage to do something that's greater than me. Not having the courage to just defy whatever anyone else is saying would be the right way. But just
going with what my heart or my soul or what my purpose tells me because I can feel that I have a lot to offer. I feel like I do and I just want to be able to do that or at least give it my best shot because ultimately even if I failed at everything, at least I knew that I didn't waste my life because failure is one thing. It's a whole different thing than doing nothing because I could fail. I'd be okay with it as long as I realized I just didn't waste my time. That's the main thing.
So maybe take this as my declaration or something that I won't waste my life, that I won't die having done nothing.
And hopefully I won't have any regrets either. But no guarantees. We'll see.
And you know, people would say, you know, oh, you have time. That's right. I have time. But the only thing that I don't like about that is I could die tomorrow. Who knows how long I'm going to live. I don't know. I could live a hundred years. I could live only until tomorrow. And it's that uncertainty that makes me realize that I can't live passively. No matter my age, it doesn't matter how young or old you are. It's not like, you know, life is this thing that you can just, I don't know, expect that you're going to live 80 years or 70 years. I mean, I don't have that certainty. No one does. Yet, we live like we do. But we don't have that. And I don't want to just assume, okay, maybe I got another 50, 60 years ahead of me now, these years I can just waste. No. Like I want to do something, and I don't want to look back even a couple years from now. I don't want to have to look back and realize I wasted that time. That is just the thing that I wrestle with most... that you know, I had so much I could have done, whether it be I had potential or I had
talent or I had an ability, but I just squandered it. And that is just heartbreaking.
When you hear old people reminisce about their regrets, like they regret not traveling more or experiencing or facing their fears. And really that's all just sums up into like just doing and living. And I don't I don't want to have that. Obviously, there's regrets. I mean I already have regrets, but I think I can still reconcile those regrets and to, I don't know, make up for them but learn from them without having to bear too much consequence. At least I hope so. And I think the sooner that you can realize this and the point at which you can actually start living with this type of, I guess, agency and I feel like you will look back and be at least a little bit more satisfied.
The thing is life is not like this thing of worrying about not having regrets. It's like you don't plan that. You don't plan to have regrets, or you don't plan to not have regrets. It's just like you gain experience. But that's the thing. I just want to experience. And I don't want my regret to be having not experienced. I do have regrets, I want the regrets to be from having experienced, having lived life. And right now, I'm at this point where I feel like I'm just wasting my days. I feel like I should be out there living life. Like you see the movies and you see like people in high school or college like those movies of young people and you think man they're doing all this stuff all this fun stuff they're living their life or even social media and I just think, "man what am I doing?" What am I doing with my life? I'm just here sitting and I should be out there in the world experiencing making relationships with people having friends you know all that stuff but I'm not. And it makes me, I don't know, in some extent sad, maybe even a bit jealous or envious of other people. And it's like I don't I don't want to feel that way. And I don't think it's about forcing these things, but more so because everyone has a different path. I'm not saying I want to just live a careless life, you know, although that sounds nice. I'm not saying that would necessarily work for me because of the way I think. But I want to at least be someone who does something with his life. And right now, it's pretty minimal. And I feel like it's been minimal for the past almost four years where, you know, I went to school, came back home, you know, you eat dinner and then you go to bed. And then get a job and basically do the same thing. You don't really do anything. You're not growing.
And I do think, ironically, I did grow in maturity the past four years, you know, just like me as a person. But it wasn't really through action. It was just through so much thinking. And I'm done with thinking so much. I mean, I think it's a part of me and it's not ever really going to go away, but like I just want to get out there. I want to do something. I want to be somewhere doing something that I am going to remember.
And life is not this thing. It's not this competition of who has the most experiences because living life that way is not enjoyable. like trying to maximize it. I don't think life is something that should be maximized and you should be always thinking about how I can live my life to the fullest in that sense, but more so just not feeling like you're restricting yourself. You don't have to be pushing it to the limit, but you just have to at least want more and then not prevent yourself from trying to get it. And that is where I'm at.
So yeah, I don't want to look back and realize I did nothing. I don't want to be 50, 60 years old, 80 years old, whatever, and be like, man, I had all that time and I just did nothing. Because then what good would old age do for me?
Genuinely, how would living long do me any good if I did nothing with my life? I don't see the point in living long but living just a blank life. And for me personally, that just doesn't sound fun. Time is just a number. Time is just like this construct just to measure change. But real experience, life, this thing that you can just know and it's so hard to describe, but there's so much to it. And I don't want to put it into this box of just thinking, okay, you get this set of years, okay, well, maybe waste some of it, maybe spend some of it doing good stuff. No, I just want to live for all of it. And I don't know how long it will be, but I want to live for all of it and as much as I can. And I'm so tired of just like staying here.
I don't know. I'm like I've lived in the same town my whole life and you know it's a nice place, nice people and everything. You know, it's provided me a mostly good upbringing, and I've now been with the same company going on almost 2 years, I think, but I want to explore. I want to get out there. I'm not necessarily like a homebody in in the full sense of it. It's true, I do find comfort at home, but also something inside of me longs to explore. I just need to fulfill that. And if I didn't, if I never did that, that would be my biggest regret of not having the courage to do something that's greater than me. Not having the courage to just defy whatever anyone else is saying would be the right way. But just
going with what my heart or my soul or what my purpose tells me because I can feel that I have a lot to offer. I feel like I do and I just want to be able to do that or at least give it my best shot because ultimately even if I failed at everything, at least I knew that I didn't waste my life because failure is one thing. It's a whole different thing than doing nothing because I could fail. I'd be okay with it as long as I realized I just didn't waste my time. That's the main thing.
So maybe take this as my declaration or something that I won't waste my life, that I won't die having done nothing.
And hopefully I won't have any regrets either. But no guarantees. We'll see.
26-30, M
