I wish I knew how other people view me
I wish I knew how other people view me. Like I go on walks often and you know you pass by people and you know maybe you give them a subtle nod or like a smile and you just acknowledge them and then you know sometimes I wonder what did they think of me? It's weird because you know I don't even know these people. You see them for a second and then it's over. But still, I wonder like maybe just for like a couple seconds after, you know, it's just lingering and it's just funny. And then some people, you know, you walk past and maybe you don't say anything. Maybe you don't look at them and it's kind of awkward even though you don't even know that person. Like why is it awkward if you don't even know the person, you know? Or maybe that's why it's awkward because you don't know them. I don't know. But there's all these different social dynamics and they are so complicated to figure out and it's kind of silly, really. And it's funny how it how it all works because like I just wonder, what do they see? How do they view me? Even not knowing me like what is the first impression? You know, people are like, "Oh, first impressions. That's important." But I don't know.
It's like sometimes like you could see someone and like you think like sometimes I try to guess like I try to guess like oh this person just based off how they look or whatever their expression is and I guess like hm maybe this is what this person's life is like and I'm probably wrong because I could I never really know unless I asked but I wouldn't do that but it's just it's just a wonder to me. So, like what is what is the story of me to other people? How do they see me? Because, you know, there's certain people that you know or you don't know, but you have an idea of them. Like, you see that person and it's like it's like you load up this this map inside your head of like what that person is like or who they are. And sometimes if it's a stranger, then you can only go based off looks or like what they wear or whatever. But if it's someone you know, you know, even in the slightest, you have some knowledge of them, like you know their name, maybe where they're from or maybe you've talked to them before, right? And it's like it's like there could be someone who you know is a horrible person. They could be a jerk but on the outside they're all smiley or like whatever. They seem super friendly. So, to a stranger they seem like a nice person even though they don't know them. But then to you immediately you can associate that negative I guess with them. So, it's just funny how perception and knowing someone can change absolutely everything. And it's that mix between personality and objective looks that like changes everything. And there's also this mix of... like I wonder about people who know me or who once knew me or who I was once friends with or I've been with as a peer or like people I've been acquainted with. How did they view me at first versus now?
I remember one time it was like in the fifth grade like this person, you know, I became friends with them later on, but they told me when they first saw me, they thought I was just like some kind of weird, serious, academic kid because that's I guess that's what I was like in fifth grade. You know, I liked discussing things; that's what I did, I guess. And I wore like button-down shirts and stuff. So, I didn't come off like a sporty person, like always playing football. And as a mostly shy kid, I guess they thought I was like an academic person, which like I guess I was, but like that's all I did at recess, just try to debate people. And then you know you get to know someone, and things completely change. So, like obviously you know there's like the cliché, "don't judge a book by its cover" but it's more like I wonder what is that initial perception or that view of me and how does it shape and change and why you know what made that occur.
So yeah, and I guess what's interesting is when I go on a walk, you know, you pass by people that you don't see, but what's interesting is like the people that, you know, I do look at, you know, I give a polite nod to, they're the people that I forget. But the people who kind of walk past me or don't even look at me, right? That's the person I'm like, "Huh, what's up with that?" even though that was the most minimal reaction like interaction and is the one I remember most. So, it's like being ignored is more significant than being noticed in that situation. It's weird how that works. And ultimately, I think and this is a good thing. I am in no one's mind. The people I walk past when I walk, they are just as forgettable to me as I am to them. And it's like I want it to be like that. I don't want to be remembered or noticeable to the people that I notice. But to the people that forget me and I forget, who cares? We've both mutually forgotten each other. So why does it matter? And I think we put we put too much stock in how we perceive ourselves.
It's almost like interacting with other people is just this game of wondering how do I look? That's it. you're just wondering, do I look all right? Or am I doing the right thing or am I saying the right thing rather than even paying attention to what the other person's doing? And if both people are doing that, then no one knows each other and no one moves forward in a relationship or a friendship or whatever. And I guess I wonder have we gotten more like this as a society with this sort of self-consciousness? Or maybe it's just me, you know, maybe it's just me of being overly analytical or overly conscious, but it's just like how much of it is genuinely just unnecessary? And I think the answer to that is like probably most of it. Most of it doesn't really matter. And most of it is forgettable and insignificant. And that's a good thing actually because it makes you realize that one thing that maybe you were super embarrassed about a lot of people don't remember because everyone's life is so complicated so intricate and we all already have
our whole life's memories in our head or like at least a lot of it. So, like one little interaction is so insignificant that like why would we remember it?
So, it's like finding comfort in knowing, at least for me, I find comfort in this in knowing that I'm insignificant. Like we all want to be special. I want to be special. I want to be significant. I want to be known. But for at least to some extent, I'm happy to be nothing. I'm happy to be forgettable. I'm happy to be not noticed. And I guess now that I think about it, maybe the person who doesn't even look at me when I walk past them, maybe I'm glad now because it's like there's no obligation. You hold no obligation to do anything. And maybe the smile and nod, maybe that's just like politeness. Maybe that's even performance. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's like it is plight and it feels good for some reason. But it's like having that or not having it. I guess it doesn't matter. But what I will say is I was on a walk and you know someone smiled at me and that felt nice. That felt nice when someone smiled because it's like when that person smiled at me, I was like that felt good because I guess that's rarer when it does happen.
But yeah, I guess for me, I'm finding more comfort in being forgotten.
It's like sometimes like you could see someone and like you think like sometimes I try to guess like I try to guess like oh this person just based off how they look or whatever their expression is and I guess like hm maybe this is what this person's life is like and I'm probably wrong because I could I never really know unless I asked but I wouldn't do that but it's just it's just a wonder to me. So, like what is what is the story of me to other people? How do they see me? Because, you know, there's certain people that you know or you don't know, but you have an idea of them. Like, you see that person and it's like it's like you load up this this map inside your head of like what that person is like or who they are. And sometimes if it's a stranger, then you can only go based off looks or like what they wear or whatever. But if it's someone you know, you know, even in the slightest, you have some knowledge of them, like you know their name, maybe where they're from or maybe you've talked to them before, right? And it's like it's like there could be someone who you know is a horrible person. They could be a jerk but on the outside they're all smiley or like whatever. They seem super friendly. So, to a stranger they seem like a nice person even though they don't know them. But then to you immediately you can associate that negative I guess with them. So, it's just funny how perception and knowing someone can change absolutely everything. And it's that mix between personality and objective looks that like changes everything. And there's also this mix of... like I wonder about people who know me or who once knew me or who I was once friends with or I've been with as a peer or like people I've been acquainted with. How did they view me at first versus now?
I remember one time it was like in the fifth grade like this person, you know, I became friends with them later on, but they told me when they first saw me, they thought I was just like some kind of weird, serious, academic kid because that's I guess that's what I was like in fifth grade. You know, I liked discussing things; that's what I did, I guess. And I wore like button-down shirts and stuff. So, I didn't come off like a sporty person, like always playing football. And as a mostly shy kid, I guess they thought I was like an academic person, which like I guess I was, but like that's all I did at recess, just try to debate people. And then you know you get to know someone, and things completely change. So, like obviously you know there's like the cliché, "don't judge a book by its cover" but it's more like I wonder what is that initial perception or that view of me and how does it shape and change and why you know what made that occur.
So yeah, and I guess what's interesting is when I go on a walk, you know, you pass by people that you don't see, but what's interesting is like the people that, you know, I do look at, you know, I give a polite nod to, they're the people that I forget. But the people who kind of walk past me or don't even look at me, right? That's the person I'm like, "Huh, what's up with that?" even though that was the most minimal reaction like interaction and is the one I remember most. So, it's like being ignored is more significant than being noticed in that situation. It's weird how that works. And ultimately, I think and this is a good thing. I am in no one's mind. The people I walk past when I walk, they are just as forgettable to me as I am to them. And it's like I want it to be like that. I don't want to be remembered or noticeable to the people that I notice. But to the people that forget me and I forget, who cares? We've both mutually forgotten each other. So why does it matter? And I think we put we put too much stock in how we perceive ourselves.
It's almost like interacting with other people is just this game of wondering how do I look? That's it. you're just wondering, do I look all right? Or am I doing the right thing or am I saying the right thing rather than even paying attention to what the other person's doing? And if both people are doing that, then no one knows each other and no one moves forward in a relationship or a friendship or whatever. And I guess I wonder have we gotten more like this as a society with this sort of self-consciousness? Or maybe it's just me, you know, maybe it's just me of being overly analytical or overly conscious, but it's just like how much of it is genuinely just unnecessary? And I think the answer to that is like probably most of it. Most of it doesn't really matter. And most of it is forgettable and insignificant. And that's a good thing actually because it makes you realize that one thing that maybe you were super embarrassed about a lot of people don't remember because everyone's life is so complicated so intricate and we all already have
our whole life's memories in our head or like at least a lot of it. So, like one little interaction is so insignificant that like why would we remember it?
So, it's like finding comfort in knowing, at least for me, I find comfort in this in knowing that I'm insignificant. Like we all want to be special. I want to be special. I want to be significant. I want to be known. But for at least to some extent, I'm happy to be nothing. I'm happy to be forgettable. I'm happy to be not noticed. And I guess now that I think about it, maybe the person who doesn't even look at me when I walk past them, maybe I'm glad now because it's like there's no obligation. You hold no obligation to do anything. And maybe the smile and nod, maybe that's just like politeness. Maybe that's even performance. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's like it is plight and it feels good for some reason. But it's like having that or not having it. I guess it doesn't matter. But what I will say is I was on a walk and you know someone smiled at me and that felt nice. That felt nice when someone smiled because it's like when that person smiled at me, I was like that felt good because I guess that's rarer when it does happen.
But yeah, I guess for me, I'm finding more comfort in being forgotten.
26-30, M