I didn’t even know these things were weird. Are they? It wasnt scrutiny. It was compliments which just made me want to cover up somehow more. And it hasn’t changed. My ex used to get pissed about it. Like she would try on clothes in front of me, shut everyone out, and ask what I think. I have really bad triggers now that relate to this. I’m only sharing what I feel comfortable with I guess. I’m tired of not saying anything. It’s not my fault or my shame to carry like even typing this I’m shaking and I feel myself trying to dissociate. I’ll always love her but I feel like she ruined my life. It makes me want to puke. I don’t even know who was touching me in my sleep, I’d wake up like obv my clothes undone and I told her and she didn’t say anything. I know this is a weird post. Gemini has become my therapist because I can’t talk to anyone. I just am trying to understand. My triggers ruined my relationship. I think I’m always wanting to say these things and there’s no where to. I get ignored or called a terrible child or weird. I can’t remember a lot of my childhood, just pieces. I had a convo with her about it and all she said was “yeah I know I was a terrible mother.” But nothing changed. I think next day she texted me calling me “sexy”. It’s gross, it makes me really upset. I don’t think she ever loved me. But those little things I told Gemini, I don’t think that’s abnormal. I actually want to believe it’s abnormal.
