I’m just tired

To me it’s not suicidal to me, I see it’s I’m tired of the same crap of getting by while nothing gets better. I do want to live but shit keeps happening and the advice is talk to people but it is alway hard since this goes back years and people always treat others differently afterwards. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.
My birthday was on the 14th and first thing I go was bad news in a heated room while going over my failures multiple times. I was getting burned twice. I spent the day alone figure everything out and I’m tried, I want to be happy but I don’t know.