I stay the same, nothing changes

I've given up on searching for happiness, I've accepted life isn't about being happy or even following your dreams. It's an endless cycle of pain. Yes there are good moments, but none of it really matters when I wake up everyday mindlessly following a schedule and living only because I "have" to. I don't have to do anything, and I don't want to anymore.

I've been thinking about what I can do about my situation.. and perfect timing, my older brother announces he is purchasing a gun soon for his security job. It's so obvious what God wants me to do, I just need to figure out how to get to it and work up the courage to actually go through with it.

I am afraid of death, I don't want to fail or make a mess my family will have to deal with. I just hope I can go far away somewhere and they'll never find me and assume I ran away. Clearly this isn't going to be simple or easy and i'll have to do some planning.

A part of me is scared of going to hell, I just really hope it's nothing but darkness at the end.