I want to end my life
The last 2 and a half years have been the hardest years of my life. And I'm beginning to get to a point where everything just feels pointless... its like no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I'll never be able to find happiness or fulfillment within myself. I feel like a failure to not only my family but to society as a whole. I don't see any way things will ever get better. I hate myself and lately, I've been thinking about how much better the world would be without me. This isn't like one of those "it's a beautiful life" moments where your absence would have made the world worse, rather this is one of those instances it would likely be a better place. Because no matter where I go, people don't want to be around me or be associated with me.
My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer back in April 2023. He beat it three different times since then. My ex left me 3 different times following the diagnosis. Yes, each time she left me was my own fault but after every breakup, she breadcrumbed me each & every one of those times, I still miss her... Ik i shouldn't but I do. Idk how and when I will ever get over her. I got a job in December 2023 that doesn’t leave me feeling fulfilled at all as my colleagues exclude me, dismiss my POV, mock me behind my back, and overall I feel unliked, unwelcome, and unwanted here. Most of them go out of their way just to avoid me. This has been happening since my very first day. They'll go as far as to paint me in a bad light to new staff so even they will avoid me. And they do not take accountability for what they do to make me react in the ways I did during those handful of times we had "issues". The customers/patrons will literally go & thank someone else after I help them with something instead of thanking me. I guess it's because its a woman-dominated industry, but it still deeply hurts sometimes because when I go to work, i want to feel fulfilled or as though I made a difference or put something good out into the word. I have no joy, no fulfillment from the work I do and some days it makes me just want to come home & cry the rest of the day away. I know i shouldn't let a job dictate my feelings like that, but when you deal with it day after day for almost 2 years you can't help but feel like a useless sack of shit & feel like the piece of crap everyone paints you out to be. And it hurts. So much.
Yeah, I have friends, but that doesn't mean they actually like me or respect me, most of them only spend time with me because of what they can get out of it. As their friends & sometimes even parents will mock me, make fun of me right to my face. I hate having aspergers and being made to feel like I’m just another fucking retard who will never amount to anything. Sometimes I get little flickers of hope, like how some girl I had no idea was interested asked me what I was doing after work & threw around the idea of going to a park with them but then I am reminded of everything I am; and how they would be better off not getting close to someone like me with all the problems I bring to the table. Even if it was just as friends.
I dont want to hear that I "should seek professional help" or any of that bullshit because that stuff is conditional. Those "professionals" only care about the paycheck they get from 'helping' me. What I want more than anything, is someone who will want to be there for me, want to be a part of my life. Someone who actually cares. As well as something that brings me fulfillment in life. I've tried to fill that hole in my heart with exercise, new hobbies, trying new things, and nothing makes me feel as if my life is actually worth anything. Because no matter where I go, I'm judged by my appearance, by my Disability, and by who I am.
I've thought about ending my own life plenty, but my Christian-beliefs always stop me. Some days it's the only thing stopping me. Because I'll always be the guy with an obvious disability nobody wants anything to do with. I'll always be that person everyone tells you to hate. I'll never know true love, I'll never know what it feels like to work with a team of people who are glad to have you on their team. I wish I was dead, if anything like Cancer ever comes into my life I'm just going to let it kill me and rid the world of one more parasite.
I wish I was worth loving, worth being around, worth having in your life. But in the end, I'll always be everything people don't want to be around no matter how in shape I get, no matter how kind or considerate I can be, and no matter how I decide to carry myself. I'm doomed to live an existence where I'm always hated, and shunned just for being who and what I am.
My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer back in April 2023. He beat it three different times since then. My ex left me 3 different times following the diagnosis. Yes, each time she left me was my own fault but after every breakup, she breadcrumbed me each & every one of those times, I still miss her... Ik i shouldn't but I do. Idk how and when I will ever get over her. I got a job in December 2023 that doesn’t leave me feeling fulfilled at all as my colleagues exclude me, dismiss my POV, mock me behind my back, and overall I feel unliked, unwelcome, and unwanted here. Most of them go out of their way just to avoid me. This has been happening since my very first day. They'll go as far as to paint me in a bad light to new staff so even they will avoid me. And they do not take accountability for what they do to make me react in the ways I did during those handful of times we had "issues". The customers/patrons will literally go & thank someone else after I help them with something instead of thanking me. I guess it's because its a woman-dominated industry, but it still deeply hurts sometimes because when I go to work, i want to feel fulfilled or as though I made a difference or put something good out into the word. I have no joy, no fulfillment from the work I do and some days it makes me just want to come home & cry the rest of the day away. I know i shouldn't let a job dictate my feelings like that, but when you deal with it day after day for almost 2 years you can't help but feel like a useless sack of shit & feel like the piece of crap everyone paints you out to be. And it hurts. So much.
Yeah, I have friends, but that doesn't mean they actually like me or respect me, most of them only spend time with me because of what they can get out of it. As their friends & sometimes even parents will mock me, make fun of me right to my face. I hate having aspergers and being made to feel like I’m just another fucking retard who will never amount to anything. Sometimes I get little flickers of hope, like how some girl I had no idea was interested asked me what I was doing after work & threw around the idea of going to a park with them but then I am reminded of everything I am; and how they would be better off not getting close to someone like me with all the problems I bring to the table. Even if it was just as friends.
I dont want to hear that I "should seek professional help" or any of that bullshit because that stuff is conditional. Those "professionals" only care about the paycheck they get from 'helping' me. What I want more than anything, is someone who will want to be there for me, want to be a part of my life. Someone who actually cares. As well as something that brings me fulfillment in life. I've tried to fill that hole in my heart with exercise, new hobbies, trying new things, and nothing makes me feel as if my life is actually worth anything. Because no matter where I go, I'm judged by my appearance, by my Disability, and by who I am.
I've thought about ending my own life plenty, but my Christian-beliefs always stop me. Some days it's the only thing stopping me. Because I'll always be the guy with an obvious disability nobody wants anything to do with. I'll always be that person everyone tells you to hate. I'll never know true love, I'll never know what it feels like to work with a team of people who are glad to have you on their team. I wish I was dead, if anything like Cancer ever comes into my life I'm just going to let it kill me and rid the world of one more parasite.
I wish I was worth loving, worth being around, worth having in your life. But in the end, I'll always be everything people don't want to be around no matter how in shape I get, no matter how kind or considerate I can be, and no matter how I decide to carry myself. I'm doomed to live an existence where I'm always hated, and shunned just for being who and what I am.
26-30, M