My Last Email or Note
I'm 33/F/USA.
I'm not dead yet, but hopefully I will be in a month or so, before I run out of savings and have to live outside or off myself on top of everything else. I just wrote the email I'm planning to send to the local police station and my mother. I hope they get it and act on it, because my body isn't going to be found for a long time otherwise, not until someone comes knocking for some money.
This is probably too wordy, but it's hard summing up my whole life and what went wrong in few words for me.
If you are reading this, it means I successfully ended my own life several days ago, and the scheduled email was able to go through after I'm gone. This is not a joke. Please retrieve my body before it stinks too much. Please give my 2 cats some food as well as find them a new home (they are sweet and deserve to be spoiled). The doors are open. Beware the smell and mess. I haven't been able to physically do much for months before my death, so cut me some slack there.
I don't care what happens to anything of mine after I'm dead. Let my shitty family have it. Randomly hand my few valuables out on skid row. Throw my body into the ocean. Whatever.
My death was a result of both bad luck and a shitty society / people with broken and fake systems that left me with no one at all to trust. Born poor as an FLDS apostate. Problems compiled on one another before I could even see any of them as a grown adult. Even when I did see them, there was no safe space to heal for me.
It all started really falling apart beyond the point of no repair with failing mental health due to being surrounded by crazy illogical victim blamers my whole life. My increasing ability to see through people and society's bullshit and no longer play along contributed. It's amazing what living and thinking alone makes you realize about how insane society / people really is.
Neverending city / people-made noise drove me to insomnia and paranoia. That contributed to a motor vehicle accident and legal charges for being poor and tired and unable to pay for insurance (only canceled it like 2 weeks earlier with no prior accidents too, fuck my luck). Barely avoided being homeless before that by moving from apartment with constantly rising rent to the only house in the country I could afford basically. If that deal didn't go through all the way, I would've been homeless ages ago.
Then I got an illness that made me unable to physically work let alone mentally. Could be cancer at this point. I rage quit my work from home job after being micromanaged during a serious health scare. Cannot even try to get another one now because I have a warrant due to the stupid no insurance shit and the accident that I cannot in any way deal with. I am not willing to given how much I disagree with the whole thing anyway. None of that is an option anymore anyway with my health issue.
I've had UTI problems and puss coming out of my naval since being diagnosed with HPV a couple years ago, and it slowly got worse to where I developed huge cysts under both my armpits at the same time that burst and have been draining tablespoons every few hours since, for about 8 or so months now straight. Oh,and my ears have been leaking drainage for about 3 months or so. I'm living on credit cards and the tiny bit of savings I had for my 401k until it is gone if I don't naturally die before then. I have pills (that I got illegally because society would rather poor people die undignified, slow, and painful deaths instead) that I hope to hell will work when / if needed.
I don't trust the health care system enough to waste my time and money with any hospital treatment. I don't like life enough and have too many other issues anyway to want that even on the slim chance that would be at all beneficial. Financial help such as disability is too hard to get through the process of going through the system. It's set up that way on purpose so people can pretend society works and that they are safe while victim blaming those who fall through the fissures. I hate my family and will not crawl to them for what little help they may or may not offer just to prolong my life a little longer. So I'm just fucked from all angles.
Life has always sucked for me, but now it's impossible between my mental health, physical health, poverty, legal issues, and no genuine support system. I would like to trudge on a bit longer just to enjoy cats and escapism and junk food, but even that is too much to ask it seems.
This world and society isn't built for those down on their luck. It isn't fair at all. You just get punished for having problems, and eventually it all tumbles down like dominoes. Other people or society do not help whatsoever. It's all a scam. A lie. Any time I tried to be better and to question and be true, any time I tried to to encourage others to as well, I was punished. Liars, thieves, manipulation, and cruelty is rewarded. At the end of the day, all you have is you and your parents, and if your parents are selfish stupid fucks then good luck.
The constant double standards, objectification, and betrayal from males and cocksuckers in my life because I'm female also didn't help at all. I hate that sexism and the illogical hatred of women has gotten even worse instead of better in my lifetime. It's disappointing and a big factor on why I was not able to find community or people to trust to help me get on my feet. Because I recognize a manipulative man in a dress when I see one, that he isn't a woman and I won't cower to his demands. Because any male-centric or cocksucker-centric groups threw me under the bus and treated me in disgusting ways I would never treat them in over and over, even my own brothers I grew up with.
It's all so disappointing.
That's all. Goodbye. Don't pretend to be sad when I'm gone. Be happy and jealous I no longer have to deal with the cruel bullshit joke that is life and other people. All in all it could have been better and it could have been worse. And none of it was worth it. If only I hadn't been born at all. I'm out.
I'm not dead yet, but hopefully I will be in a month or so, before I run out of savings and have to live outside or off myself on top of everything else. I just wrote the email I'm planning to send to the local police station and my mother. I hope they get it and act on it, because my body isn't going to be found for a long time otherwise, not until someone comes knocking for some money.
This is probably too wordy, but it's hard summing up my whole life and what went wrong in few words for me.
If you are reading this, it means I successfully ended my own life several days ago, and the scheduled email was able to go through after I'm gone. This is not a joke. Please retrieve my body before it stinks too much. Please give my 2 cats some food as well as find them a new home (they are sweet and deserve to be spoiled). The doors are open. Beware the smell and mess. I haven't been able to physically do much for months before my death, so cut me some slack there.
I don't care what happens to anything of mine after I'm dead. Let my shitty family have it. Randomly hand my few valuables out on skid row. Throw my body into the ocean. Whatever.
My death was a result of both bad luck and a shitty society / people with broken and fake systems that left me with no one at all to trust. Born poor as an FLDS apostate. Problems compiled on one another before I could even see any of them as a grown adult. Even when I did see them, there was no safe space to heal for me.
It all started really falling apart beyond the point of no repair with failing mental health due to being surrounded by crazy illogical victim blamers my whole life. My increasing ability to see through people and society's bullshit and no longer play along contributed. It's amazing what living and thinking alone makes you realize about how insane society / people really is.
Neverending city / people-made noise drove me to insomnia and paranoia. That contributed to a motor vehicle accident and legal charges for being poor and tired and unable to pay for insurance (only canceled it like 2 weeks earlier with no prior accidents too, fuck my luck). Barely avoided being homeless before that by moving from apartment with constantly rising rent to the only house in the country I could afford basically. If that deal didn't go through all the way, I would've been homeless ages ago.
Then I got an illness that made me unable to physically work let alone mentally. Could be cancer at this point. I rage quit my work from home job after being micromanaged during a serious health scare. Cannot even try to get another one now because I have a warrant due to the stupid no insurance shit and the accident that I cannot in any way deal with. I am not willing to given how much I disagree with the whole thing anyway. None of that is an option anymore anyway with my health issue.
I've had UTI problems and puss coming out of my naval since being diagnosed with HPV a couple years ago, and it slowly got worse to where I developed huge cysts under both my armpits at the same time that burst and have been draining tablespoons every few hours since, for about 8 or so months now straight. Oh,and my ears have been leaking drainage for about 3 months or so. I'm living on credit cards and the tiny bit of savings I had for my 401k until it is gone if I don't naturally die before then. I have pills (that I got illegally because society would rather poor people die undignified, slow, and painful deaths instead) that I hope to hell will work when / if needed.
I don't trust the health care system enough to waste my time and money with any hospital treatment. I don't like life enough and have too many other issues anyway to want that even on the slim chance that would be at all beneficial. Financial help such as disability is too hard to get through the process of going through the system. It's set up that way on purpose so people can pretend society works and that they are safe while victim blaming those who fall through the fissures. I hate my family and will not crawl to them for what little help they may or may not offer just to prolong my life a little longer. So I'm just fucked from all angles.
Life has always sucked for me, but now it's impossible between my mental health, physical health, poverty, legal issues, and no genuine support system. I would like to trudge on a bit longer just to enjoy cats and escapism and junk food, but even that is too much to ask it seems.
This world and society isn't built for those down on their luck. It isn't fair at all. You just get punished for having problems, and eventually it all tumbles down like dominoes. Other people or society do not help whatsoever. It's all a scam. A lie. Any time I tried to be better and to question and be true, any time I tried to to encourage others to as well, I was punished. Liars, thieves, manipulation, and cruelty is rewarded. At the end of the day, all you have is you and your parents, and if your parents are selfish stupid fucks then good luck.
The constant double standards, objectification, and betrayal from males and cocksuckers in my life because I'm female also didn't help at all. I hate that sexism and the illogical hatred of women has gotten even worse instead of better in my lifetime. It's disappointing and a big factor on why I was not able to find community or people to trust to help me get on my feet. Because I recognize a manipulative man in a dress when I see one, that he isn't a woman and I won't cower to his demands. Because any male-centric or cocksucker-centric groups threw me under the bus and treated me in disgusting ways I would never treat them in over and over, even my own brothers I grew up with.
It's all so disappointing.
That's all. Goodbye. Don't pretend to be sad when I'm gone. Be happy and jealous I no longer have to deal with the cruel bullshit joke that is life and other people. All in all it could have been better and it could have been worse. And none of it was worth it. If only I hadn't been born at all. I'm out.
