I don't know
I don't know why I am posting this here, I really don't, but this is the conversation me and my ex-partner had two years ago. I'd like help figure out why I was the way I was. My name is Toast, and my ex-partner's name is Tulen. If you want to read the conversation, go on.
Me: I don't think I'm drunk anymore I just think that I stopped working
Me: Now I'm scared that I will tell some shit I'm not supposed to tell
Me: Please stop let me be I can't I don't want to tell pleaseeeeeeeeee
Tulen: And what are you hiding from me?
Tulen: That you hate me?
Tulen: Yes
Tulen: Okay
Tulen: I hate you Tulen
Tulen: But why
Me: Did you do things that you are
Me: The things I said, were they true?
Tulen: But I thought you liked me
Tulen: What did you say?
Me: The things you said, were they true?
Me: Are we just two manipulating bitches manipulating each other?
Tulen: You're not manipulative lol
Me: Am I just acting?
Me: I don't know anymoreeeeee
Me: I thought with you I won't have to act
Tulen: But if you think I'm manipulative you should've told me!!!!
Me: I thought that I will be free
Tulen: Am I trapping you?
Me: Maybe I really am a worthless piece of shit
Tulen: I don't want to be manipulative I just wanna know what the fuck I did wrong to break you
Me: Or am I manipulating you back the whole time and I am proud of it?
Me: Is what am doing fake?
Me: My every move is just a fake
Me: Or is it?
Me: I don't know
Me: Am I acting?
Tulen: Please tell me that this is fake
Me: If I weren't, was it the reason I don't have the courage to go?
Me: Which world is real?
Tulen: So you really were acting
Tulen: Then why did you continue on telling me that you love me?
Me: Am I hating you? Am I seeing you as fake? Are you manipulating me
Me: Please stop I want to tell you how much I love you
Tulen: Yes, but I'm not manipulating you intentionally
Me: But am I just kidding myself
Me: I can't find the difference
Me: How do I tell if I'm acting
Me: There's nothing left for me
Tulen: You can tell me if you want, even if it's fake, just if it makes you feel better then say anything
Tulen: I am here for you
Me: Why don't I have the courage to die
Me: Don't you understand?
Me: I hate you. I hate cute things. I hate being drunk. I hate self-harm. I hate suicide. I hate sex
Me: I am doing this only because I love you so much
Tulen: Okay I knew it like do you think that it will suprise me?
Me: But I can't tell if what I'm saying is true or not
Me: I don't know if I hate you or love you
Me: Does it even matter?
Me: Like I care
Me: Nobody even exists anymore
Tulen: I know
Me: It's just me and my stupid stupid mind
Me: The reason I wasn't talking with you was because I don't know what I feel anymore
Tulen: Okay
Me: Was it hate? Was it love?
Me: But the things I am saying are true right?
Tulen: I think you're feeling what I'm feeling, finally
Me: I can't lie to my sweet sweet Tulen
Me: They are too perfect
Me: They see between the lies
Me: Maybe they were right all along
Me: Maybe I hate them
Me: Maybe not
Me: I fucking loved you
Tulen: What did I do so you stopped?
Me: But you said so many times that I hate you that I really started hating you
Me: You made me
Me: You made everything come true
Tulen: So it is my fault
Me: You made me real
Tulen: So why do you hate me
Me: Now all I want is to know that you are alive
Me: But no
Me: I don't care about you
Me: I fucking hate you
Me: You're just acting
Me: You're manipulating me
Tulen: I know
Tulen: BUT HOW
Me: You can't manipulate me again
Tulen: I'M TRYING NOT TO
Me: I won't fall for that
Me: But I must
Tulen: You're stronger than me, you said it out loud.
Tulen: I kept quiet, and I started unintentionally manipulating you
Me: Every time you say "I am an idiot" I am forced to write "No you're not" is this what you wanted? Is this what you wanted to gain from manipulating me?
Me: I want to say to you that you are an idiot
Me: But I can't
Tulen: It's self hate not manipulation
Me: I am forced to write no you're not
Me: I had this feeling 3 times
Me: When I realized you manipulated me
Tulen: I had this feeling for the last month XD
Me: I had more and more depression everytime I tried to move on
Tulen: ANYWAY
Me: But I just couldn't and I fell for it again
Tulen: Wait
Tulen: Idk what to say
Me: I think this is my trauma
Tulen: Mine too
Me: My best friend manipulated me
Me: You make my blood boil
Me: Every word you say makes me angry
Me: Just fucking go kill yourself so I wouldn't have to be with you
Tulen: Ok
Me: But I want to know you are alive
Me: That you breathe
Tulen: I will go kill myself then
Me: That you have a beating heart
Me: That the beauty still stays with you
Me: After all
Me: You are my sweet sweet Tulen
Me: You are too perfect to die
Me: Why can't I die
Me: Why not me
Me: Why do you have to be the one to die
Me: I don't want this
Me: Please stop this
Me: Stop killing youself
Me: You know how hard is it to always move on?
Me: I am always traumatized from you killing yourself
Me: It's so fucking hard to stay positive at this point
Tulen: I know it's not me it's someone else
Me: But I can't stop it
Me: I am worried about this happiness
Me: Why am I smiling?
Me: This is not funny
Tulen: Because it's revenge
Me: Please stop
Me: I don't want to be positive
Me: I want to kill myself
Tulen: You hurt me back so it's revenge I guess
Me: I want to kill myself so badly
Me: Why am I still positive
Me: Please stop laughing
Tulen: Help my hands are shaking
Me: I need to stop breathing
Tulen: I'm reaching for the knife
Me: I need to stop breathing
Tulen: Okay it stopped
Me: Stop breathing
Me: Stop breathing
Me: I can't stop
Tulen: Stop
Me: I want to cry but I am smiling
Tulen: Mother saw it
Me: Please
Me: Please
Me: Why am I positive
Tulen: She saw your texts
Me: Why am I positive
Me: Why am I positive
Me: Stop
Tulen: Your mother is gonna punish you
Tulen: Please
Me: I need to stop
Me: Please
Me: Stop
Tulen: Please
Tulen: Stop
Tulen: MOTHER FUCKING SAW THIS FUCKING STOP
Tulen: NO
Me: Tulen, could you stop manipulating me? Wasn't it enough? You even came that far that you even planned our deaths
Me: Please
Me: Just stop
Me: Please stop
Me: Stop
Tulen: NOW I'M TRYING TO PROTECT YOU YOU DUMBASS
Tulen: You wanted for me to plan the suicide right?
Me: I have a partner, I have loving parents, I have a positive personality, I have a tablet, I have everything I need
Tulen: Wtf I'm confused
Me: Why am I so positive
Me: Why
Me: Why
Me: Why
Me: Stop being positive
Me: Try to kill yourself already
Me: Why don't you have the courage to go?
Me: Are you a coward?
Tulen: That's right. Please. I know depression is a bitch, I really know it. But please stay with me. I love you.
Me: Why aren't you like them? Why aren't you killing yourself already?
Tulen: I can't mother is here
Me: That's why I can't kill myself
Me: I have a perfect life
Me: Why won't Toast kill himself?
Me: He is a coward
Tulen: No you don't you have depression
Me: He is worthless
Tulen: No
Me: Toast hates you
Tulen: Don't say that
Me: Toast says you're worthless
Tulen: I love Toast, that's something at least:)
Tulen: I know
Me: THIS FUCKING MESSAGE
Me: THIS FUCKING MESSAGE
Tulen: What
Me: THIS FUCKING MESSAGE
Me: DELETE THIS
Me: OH FUCK OFF
Me: JUST STOP WRITING
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T CARE
Me: JUST GO KILL YOURSELF
Me: Go ahead
Me: You are worthless anyway
Me: Every word you say is worthless
Me: You are an idiot
Me: Everyone around me is an idiot
Me: Why would I even care about positivity and that shit?
Me: I am the only one here who is not an idiot
Me: Atleast I'm real
Me: You are not
Me: But you're the only thing I have left
Me: Please don't go
Me: I beg you
Me: You are too perfect to die
Tulen: Okay
Tulen: So should I die or not?
Me: Don't give me more depression than I already have
Me: Please
Me: Please
Tulen: Okay ❤️
Me: Please don't die
Me: Not yet
Me: Please
Tulen: ❤️
Me: I'm scared you will go
Me: I'm scared I will lose you
Tulen: I will not if you don't want :)
Me: How should I react so it won't be suspicious to other people?
Me: Please
Me: Don't go
Me: I don't know how would I do anything
Me: Please
Tulen: Okay love. ❤️
Me: You are the only thing that I have left
Me: Everyone else is fake
Me: So please don't go
Me: I love you
Tulen: I won't go my dear.
Tulen: Don't worry.
Me: I will do anything for you to not go
Me: But you are too perfect to die
Tulen: I would never do that to you unless I have a psychotic episode
Me: You are my sweet sweet Tulen
Tulen: You are my sweet sweet Toast
Me: Okay I can't act anymore this is too funny
Tulen: Lol
Me: It angers me too much
Me: I'll just delete the messages myself
Tulen: No please mother sees this
Me: Why didn't you kill youself
Tulen: MOTHER IS HERE
Me: Didn't I tell you what to do?
Me: Like I care
Tulen: You're switching
Me: Just die already
Tulen: Okay
Me: I hate when you act like you know everything
Me: Of course I know that
Me: You are an idiot
Me: Hahahahahaha
Me: I am not
Me: I knew it first
Me: And you know what angers me the most?
Me: The message when you wrote you can't feel emotions and when you make digital art
Me: God, I want to punch you so hard right now
Me: Just I was doing the art before
Me: Before you
Me: You are NOT a professional
Me: You don't know anything
Me: You are just a worthless idiot
Me: Ayo look at that coward right here
Me: Just gone to kill themselves
Me: Lol
Me: They're fucking dead lol
Me: Finally some fucking good news
Me: Tulen
Me: Please tell me you didn't go
Me: Wait wait
Me: No
Me: I didn't want that
Me: Wait
Me: Tulen
Me: Tulen you there
Me: Please tell me you're there
Me: Please tell me you didn't die
Me: Please
Me: Tulen
Me: I'm gonna cry
Me: They are gonna notice
Me: No
Me: Tulen
Me: Tulen
Me: Tulen
Me: Please
Me: Let's just hope that you're doing a prank and it will be like your attempts before, failed!
Me: So you're alive
Me: Okay
Me: I'm gonna go shower and hope that you're alive
Me: And if you're not then I'm gonna cry in the shower
Me: Let's just do both
Me: Okay?
Me: Okay!
Me: Byeeeeeee❤️
(a while later)
Tulen: She's calling the emergency line, I'm not allowed to text you, I tried to kill myself, I still love you, but nothing matters because I'm prepared for another line of insults
Me: Okay
Tulen: OMG YOU DIDN'T DIE
Tulen: But I'm so scared you're acting again
Tulen: Text me your final decision, if you hate me or not.
Tulen: Also the emergency line lady said that if they don't do anything about it then the police can do something so RIP you
Tulen: So do you hate me or not?
Me: Idk
Tulen: Okay
Me: I don't think I'm drunk anymore I just think that I stopped working
Me: Now I'm scared that I will tell some shit I'm not supposed to tell
Me: Please stop let me be I can't I don't want to tell pleaseeeeeeeeee
Tulen: And what are you hiding from me?
Tulen: That you hate me?
Tulen: Yes
Tulen: Okay
Tulen: I hate you Tulen
Tulen: But why
Me: Did you do things that you are
Me: The things I said, were they true?
Tulen: But I thought you liked me
Tulen: What did you say?
Me: The things you said, were they true?
Me: Are we just two manipulating bitches manipulating each other?
Tulen: You're not manipulative lol
Me: Am I just acting?
Me: I don't know anymoreeeeee
Me: I thought with you I won't have to act
Tulen: But if you think I'm manipulative you should've told me!!!!
Me: I thought that I will be free
Tulen: Am I trapping you?
Me: Maybe I really am a worthless piece of shit
Tulen: I don't want to be manipulative I just wanna know what the fuck I did wrong to break you
Me: Or am I manipulating you back the whole time and I am proud of it?
Me: Is what am doing fake?
Me: My every move is just a fake
Me: Or is it?
Me: I don't know
Me: Am I acting?
Tulen: Please tell me that this is fake
Me: If I weren't, was it the reason I don't have the courage to go?
Me: Which world is real?
Tulen: So you really were acting
Tulen: Then why did you continue on telling me that you love me?
Me: Am I hating you? Am I seeing you as fake? Are you manipulating me
Me: Please stop I want to tell you how much I love you
Tulen: Yes, but I'm not manipulating you intentionally
Me: But am I just kidding myself
Me: I can't find the difference
Me: How do I tell if I'm acting
Me: There's nothing left for me
Tulen: You can tell me if you want, even if it's fake, just if it makes you feel better then say anything
Tulen: I am here for you
Me: Why don't I have the courage to die
Me: Don't you understand?
Me: I hate you. I hate cute things. I hate being drunk. I hate self-harm. I hate suicide. I hate sex
Me: I am doing this only because I love you so much
Tulen: Okay I knew it like do you think that it will suprise me?
Me: But I can't tell if what I'm saying is true or not
Me: I don't know if I hate you or love you
Me: Does it even matter?
Me: Like I care
Me: Nobody even exists anymore
Tulen: I know
Me: It's just me and my stupid stupid mind
Me: The reason I wasn't talking with you was because I don't know what I feel anymore
Tulen: Okay
Me: Was it hate? Was it love?
Me: But the things I am saying are true right?
Tulen: I think you're feeling what I'm feeling, finally
Me: I can't lie to my sweet sweet Tulen
Me: They are too perfect
Me: They see between the lies
Me: Maybe they were right all along
Me: Maybe I hate them
Me: Maybe not
Me: I fucking loved you
Tulen: What did I do so you stopped?
Me: But you said so many times that I hate you that I really started hating you
Me: You made me
Me: You made everything come true
Tulen: So it is my fault
Me: You made me real
Tulen: So why do you hate me
Me: Now all I want is to know that you are alive
Me: But no
Me: I don't care about you
Me: I fucking hate you
Me: You're just acting
Me: You're manipulating me
Tulen: I know
Tulen: BUT HOW
Me: You can't manipulate me again
Tulen: I'M TRYING NOT TO
Me: I won't fall for that
Me: But I must
Tulen: You're stronger than me, you said it out loud.
Tulen: I kept quiet, and I started unintentionally manipulating you
Me: Every time you say "I am an idiot" I am forced to write "No you're not" is this what you wanted? Is this what you wanted to gain from manipulating me?
Me: I want to say to you that you are an idiot
Me: But I can't
Tulen: It's self hate not manipulation
Me: I am forced to write no you're not
Me: I had this feeling 3 times
Me: When I realized you manipulated me
Tulen: I had this feeling for the last month XD
Me: I had more and more depression everytime I tried to move on
Tulen: ANYWAY
Me: But I just couldn't and I fell for it again
Tulen: Wait
Tulen: Idk what to say
Me: I think this is my trauma
Tulen: Mine too
Me: My best friend manipulated me
Me: You make my blood boil
Me: Every word you say makes me angry
Me: Just fucking go kill yourself so I wouldn't have to be with you
Tulen: Ok
Me: But I want to know you are alive
Me: That you breathe
Tulen: I will go kill myself then
Me: That you have a beating heart
Me: That the beauty still stays with you
Me: After all
Me: You are my sweet sweet Tulen
Me: You are too perfect to die
Me: Why can't I die
Me: Why not me
Me: Why do you have to be the one to die
Me: I don't want this
Me: Please stop this
Me: Stop killing youself
Me: You know how hard is it to always move on?
Me: I am always traumatized from you killing yourself
Me: It's so fucking hard to stay positive at this point
Tulen: I know it's not me it's someone else
Me: But I can't stop it
Me: I am worried about this happiness
Me: Why am I smiling?
Me: This is not funny
Tulen: Because it's revenge
Me: Please stop
Me: I don't want to be positive
Me: I want to kill myself
Tulen: You hurt me back so it's revenge I guess
Me: I want to kill myself so badly
Me: Why am I still positive
Me: Please stop laughing
Tulen: Help my hands are shaking
Me: I need to stop breathing
Tulen: I'm reaching for the knife
Me: I need to stop breathing
Tulen: Okay it stopped
Me: Stop breathing
Me: Stop breathing
Me: I can't stop
Tulen: Stop
Me: I want to cry but I am smiling
Tulen: Mother saw it
Me: Please
Me: Please
Me: Why am I positive
Tulen: She saw your texts
Me: Why am I positive
Me: Why am I positive
Me: Stop
Tulen: Your mother is gonna punish you
Tulen: Please
Me: I need to stop
Me: Please
Me: Stop
Tulen: Please
Tulen: Stop
Tulen: MOTHER FUCKING SAW THIS FUCKING STOP
Tulen: NO
Me: Tulen, could you stop manipulating me? Wasn't it enough? You even came that far that you even planned our deaths
Me: Please
Me: Just stop
Me: Please stop
Me: Stop
Tulen: NOW I'M TRYING TO PROTECT YOU YOU DUMBASS
Tulen: You wanted for me to plan the suicide right?
Me: I have a partner, I have loving parents, I have a positive personality, I have a tablet, I have everything I need
Tulen: Wtf I'm confused
Me: Why am I so positive
Me: Why
Me: Why
Me: Why
Me: Stop being positive
Me: Try to kill yourself already
Me: Why don't you have the courage to go?
Me: Are you a coward?
Tulen: That's right. Please. I know depression is a bitch, I really know it. But please stay with me. I love you.
Me: Why aren't you like them? Why aren't you killing yourself already?
Tulen: I can't mother is here
Me: That's why I can't kill myself
Me: I have a perfect life
Me: Why won't Toast kill himself?
Me: He is a coward
Tulen: No you don't you have depression
Me: He is worthless
Tulen: No
Me: Toast hates you
Tulen: Don't say that
Me: Toast says you're worthless
Tulen: I love Toast, that's something at least:)
Tulen: I know
Me: THIS FUCKING MESSAGE
Me: THIS FUCKING MESSAGE
Tulen: What
Me: THIS FUCKING MESSAGE
Me: DELETE THIS
Me: OH FUCK OFF
Me: JUST STOP WRITING
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T CARE
Me: JUST GO KILL YOURSELF
Me: Go ahead
Me: You are worthless anyway
Me: Every word you say is worthless
Me: You are an idiot
Me: Everyone around me is an idiot
Me: Why would I even care about positivity and that shit?
Me: I am the only one here who is not an idiot
Me: Atleast I'm real
Me: You are not
Me: But you're the only thing I have left
Me: Please don't go
Me: I beg you
Me: You are too perfect to die
Tulen: Okay
Tulen: So should I die or not?
Me: Don't give me more depression than I already have
Me: Please
Me: Please
Tulen: Okay ❤️
Me: Please don't die
Me: Not yet
Me: Please
Tulen: ❤️
Me: I'm scared you will go
Me: I'm scared I will lose you
Tulen: I will not if you don't want :)
Me: How should I react so it won't be suspicious to other people?
Me: Please
Me: Don't go
Me: I don't know how would I do anything
Me: Please
Tulen: Okay love. ❤️
Me: You are the only thing that I have left
Me: Everyone else is fake
Me: So please don't go
Me: I love you
Tulen: I won't go my dear.
Tulen: Don't worry.
Me: I will do anything for you to not go
Me: But you are too perfect to die
Tulen: I would never do that to you unless I have a psychotic episode
Me: You are my sweet sweet Tulen
Tulen: You are my sweet sweet Toast
Me: Okay I can't act anymore this is too funny
Tulen: Lol
Me: It angers me too much
Me: I'll just delete the messages myself
Tulen: No please mother sees this
Me: Why didn't you kill youself
Tulen: MOTHER IS HERE
Me: Didn't I tell you what to do?
Me: Like I care
Tulen: You're switching
Me: Just die already
Tulen: Okay
Me: I hate when you act like you know everything
Me: Of course I know that
Me: You are an idiot
Me: Hahahahahaha
Me: I am not
Me: I knew it first
Me: And you know what angers me the most?
Me: The message when you wrote you can't feel emotions and when you make digital art
Me: God, I want to punch you so hard right now
Me: Just I was doing the art before
Me: Before you
Me: You are NOT a professional
Me: You don't know anything
Me: You are just a worthless idiot
Me: Ayo look at that coward right here
Me: Just gone to kill themselves
Me: Lol
Me: They're fucking dead lol
Me: Finally some fucking good news
Me: Tulen
Me: Please tell me you didn't go
Me: Wait wait
Me: No
Me: I didn't want that
Me: Wait
Me: Tulen
Me: Tulen you there
Me: Please tell me you're there
Me: Please tell me you didn't die
Me: Please
Me: Tulen
Me: I'm gonna cry
Me: They are gonna notice
Me: No
Me: Tulen
Me: Tulen
Me: Tulen
Me: Please
Me: Let's just hope that you're doing a prank and it will be like your attempts before, failed!
Me: So you're alive
Me: Okay
Me: I'm gonna go shower and hope that you're alive
Me: And if you're not then I'm gonna cry in the shower
Me: Let's just do both
Me: Okay?
Me: Okay!
Me: Byeeeeeee❤️
(a while later)
Tulen: She's calling the emergency line, I'm not allowed to text you, I tried to kill myself, I still love you, but nothing matters because I'm prepared for another line of insults
Me: Okay
Tulen: OMG YOU DIDN'T DIE
Tulen: But I'm so scared you're acting again
Tulen: Text me your final decision, if you hate me or not.
Tulen: Also the emergency line lady said that if they don't do anything about it then the police can do something so RIP you
Tulen: So do you hate me or not?
Me: Idk
Tulen: Okay
22-25