Most of my "in real life" social interaction occurs at the gym. And, I have advanced from the days when I was a solitary ghost that kept to himself, was ignored by everyone else, and who, at times, would feel hated for just showing up. Still, I went to the gym, I worked out, and suffered mostly in desperate silence as I built up my resistance to my inadequacies. I do now engage in conversations; it doesn't always take preparation and effort, and some people actually initiate conversations with me. More amazing, I sometimes am able to initiate conversations with others and stay engaged beyond simple introductions. For me, that is progress. I acknowledge it.
Today at the gym, in between my workouts, I was in "observation mode." Scanning the gym, I saw all these people, many whom I know by sight from going every day; they seemed engaged with each other. Talking, laughing, sharing, in some cases working out together, and connecting with each other.
I'm the solitary kid (guy - not really a kid anymore) focused on my goals, working for progress, and terrorized by my isolation. I don't have the spark that encourages people to want to know me. And, I lack the practice and skills to know what to do on my own to "naturally" socialize. I see how I interact with others, even on here. I remain that desperate little kid that others let tag along out of pity mostly and soon feel burdened by his presence and so, later ignore in hopes he will just drift away. Surprisingly, I get it. It's a self-defeating feeling to have; it's been explained to me, no one wants to be around someone who thinks so little of himself... and talks about it. After all, everyone has their own problems. And, now I am "that" guy who acts like "that" kid who just always seems to be there, all alone.
At the gym, I zeroed in on 2 guys working out together who later became a group of 4 people joking around with each other. I felt left-out and envious. I suppose they saw me looking at them, too intently and I imagine they felt annoyed at my distant intrusion. Later, I saw a guy and his girlfriend (I think they are originally from Denmark) talking to each other. I suspect they caught me staring a little too long and the girl turned away and the guy flashed me "a look." I felt diminished.
Maybe, I'm supposed to be entirely alone. Maybe, I am being tested. Maybe, I am supposed to learn something and until I do I will face more of these incidences which seem to challenge my fortitude. I know I can't conjure friendships to happen. And, that spark that I don't seem to have is only a setback if I allow it to be. Logically, I know all these things, but emotionally, I am still that little kid who still thinks it can all work out. The problem is, that little kid isn't a kid anymore. And, besides, no one wants a little kid tagging along anyway.
This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »
