I've been pretending things have been okay
Back to journaling here I guess. Day 01.
Today I have taken the first pill of the mood stabilizer... IDK why I've been hesitating too much... it was prescribed to me 15days ago and the next appointment is in a month but Idk why the pharmacist gave one bottle of 30 pills (and I am taking twice a day), perhaps she forgot or idk but I wasn't planning to go back so I waited these 15 days to start lol. I wouldn't do that if I was already taking them but because it is the beginning I didn't mind this inconvenience.
I'm trying to stay organized... to take back into track the reigns of my life. Dark thoughts still jump into my mind, sometimes all the time, all the week, and it makes me feel hopeless but I try to move on.
I'm trying to still laugh, make jokes, hide behind this persona so people would not start asking questions. (they were at some point, and it means they care, but I can't handle the pity and I cant just say I have a mental health disorder... who would want that for an answer?! Also it is personal.)
I am realizing life moves on regardless of what I do and I should just do my best regardless... but I keep feeling horrible. I hate feeling this way, I feel like I am exaggerating the emotional pain, so I'm trying to stifle it and pretend all is okay. I know there will be a day where I won't be able to pretend anymore (there were... actually) but I don't want them to happen more than they do.
Today I have taken the first pill of the mood stabilizer... IDK why I've been hesitating too much... it was prescribed to me 15days ago and the next appointment is in a month but Idk why the pharmacist gave one bottle of 30 pills (and I am taking twice a day), perhaps she forgot or idk but I wasn't planning to go back so I waited these 15 days to start lol. I wouldn't do that if I was already taking them but because it is the beginning I didn't mind this inconvenience.
I'm trying to stay organized... to take back into track the reigns of my life. Dark thoughts still jump into my mind, sometimes all the time, all the week, and it makes me feel hopeless but I try to move on.
I'm trying to still laugh, make jokes, hide behind this persona so people would not start asking questions. (they were at some point, and it means they care, but I can't handle the pity and I cant just say I have a mental health disorder... who would want that for an answer?! Also it is personal.)
I am realizing life moves on regardless of what I do and I should just do my best regardless... but I keep feeling horrible. I hate feeling this way, I feel like I am exaggerating the emotional pain, so I'm trying to stifle it and pretend all is okay. I know there will be a day where I won't be able to pretend anymore (there were... actually) but I don't want them to happen more than they do.
26-30, F
