I Pretend I'm Okay
I don’t think I [i]have [/i]depression. People who [i]have [/i]depression live with it every day with good days and bad days. And the good days are just okay and the bad days are horrible, but there is no “non-depression” day for people who have depression. That’s like saying someone who has a dog has some days where they just [i]don’t [/i]have a dog. Maybe I’m wrong about that. I’m not a doctor. I’m proud to say that I don’t know anything about it. This is just how I understand it.
So, at least in my understanding, I don’t have depression. But there are days, many of them recently, where I feel depressed. I have days where I don’t feel depressed at all, some days where I feel a little depressed, and days where I just want to just crawl into a hole and disappear. I’ll go months feeling mostly care-free, save for a little anxiety here and there, and then have weeks going in and out of feeling like crud.
Sometimes it’s an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. I’ll start crying out of the blue, my anxiety will be nearly to my breaking point the entire day, I won’t have the energy to clean the house or cook food, but I’ll do it anyway because I already feel terrible enough without letting my husband down. Even though he’s the understanding sort, I believe that if I can make him happy, that will make me happy… in the end, I’m just exhausted.
Lately, it’s been a numb feeling. I feel like I’m less inside my own body, and I trod through my life feeling like I’m controlling a robot version of myself. I constantly feel sleepy. I constantly feel weak. I eat junk in a futile attempt to feel something resembling happiness, and come out feeling worse than before. I don’t even feel sad. I wish I felt sad. I wish I could cry. I barely feel anything.
It could be a phase. I’m dealing with a lot of stress, and I guess I would rather feel nothing than stressed out, so that’s what happens. I have a lot of things to do in order to fully change my name that I’m dealing with. Work has been on my ass lately. I’ve had to cook every night this week on top of feeling numb and weak. My anxiety has been very high lately. My weight has been going up and down a little lately. Maybe once it’s all dealt with, things will get better.
In the meantime, I try to act happy. I don’t want to put the pressure on my husband to constantly be at my emotional beck and call. I want him to just have a loving wife beside him, and not have to worry about how I’m having trouble these days. It worries him, and I don’t want to worry him when he has a job to do too. I know he wants to help, but until I can figure out a way for him to help, it’s better if he just thinks I’m okay and leave it at that.
So, at least in my understanding, I don’t have depression. But there are days, many of them recently, where I feel depressed. I have days where I don’t feel depressed at all, some days where I feel a little depressed, and days where I just want to just crawl into a hole and disappear. I’ll go months feeling mostly care-free, save for a little anxiety here and there, and then have weeks going in and out of feeling like crud.
Sometimes it’s an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. I’ll start crying out of the blue, my anxiety will be nearly to my breaking point the entire day, I won’t have the energy to clean the house or cook food, but I’ll do it anyway because I already feel terrible enough without letting my husband down. Even though he’s the understanding sort, I believe that if I can make him happy, that will make me happy… in the end, I’m just exhausted.
Lately, it’s been a numb feeling. I feel like I’m less inside my own body, and I trod through my life feeling like I’m controlling a robot version of myself. I constantly feel sleepy. I constantly feel weak. I eat junk in a futile attempt to feel something resembling happiness, and come out feeling worse than before. I don’t even feel sad. I wish I felt sad. I wish I could cry. I barely feel anything.
It could be a phase. I’m dealing with a lot of stress, and I guess I would rather feel nothing than stressed out, so that’s what happens. I have a lot of things to do in order to fully change my name that I’m dealing with. Work has been on my ass lately. I’ve had to cook every night this week on top of feeling numb and weak. My anxiety has been very high lately. My weight has been going up and down a little lately. Maybe once it’s all dealt with, things will get better.
In the meantime, I try to act happy. I don’t want to put the pressure on my husband to constantly be at my emotional beck and call. I want him to just have a loving wife beside him, and not have to worry about how I’m having trouble these days. It worries him, and I don’t want to worry him when he has a job to do too. I know he wants to help, but until I can figure out a way for him to help, it’s better if he just thinks I’m okay and leave it at that.
