I Pretend I'm Okay
Honesty is one of the most beautiful things in the world, the problem is: most people ask you to be honest with them, but almost never do the same in return and usually get angry with your honest answers, since it is "too much" of a burden to them. What is the point on telling the truth, then? There are only a few people I fully trust: my dear girlfriend and some true friends. The rest of the world doesn't seem to know anything about me. They only see a mask without realizing and I guess it is better this way, even tho it hurts a lot. To give you some perspective, here are some dialogue examples:
Mom: "Hey, are you ok, son?"
Me: "Of course, mom" *smiles slightly*
What really goes in my mind: "No, I'm not ok. I have social anxiety, depression, identity crisis, feel judged by almost everyone and you keep thinking that you know everything while in reality you have no idea of what goes in my mind. I can't tell you any of this, since you would probably just tell me to pray or something, as if it could help me somehow, and no, I don't want a stupid psychologist to make me waste my time and money with a lot of bullshit instead of solving any of my true problems."
Second example:
*dad gets home after work*
Me: hi, dad, how are you?
Dad: hey, son. I'm just fine, what about you? *smiles*
Me: yeah, I'm good *hugs him*
What really goes in my mind: "there's that everyday smile, but I imagine how quickly that smile would fade away if he knew the truth. How would he react if he knew that I already had suicidal thoughts? Even more when according to his personal beliefs, suicidal people go directly to hell (I truly expected more from him, since he also has depression, I thought he would at least try to understand, but of course it never happened). How would he react if he knew that he is one of the reasons why I have anxiety today? People have no idea how words can hurt someone, even more than any physical harm, since those can create scars on your subconscious, scars that might never fade away."
Today is Christmas and everything on Christmas Eve yesterday was so superficial. My mom caring more about taking pictures than about experiencing truly memorable moments. Gifts being planned (no surprises at all). It hurts being forced to hide your true feelings from your own family...
For all those who care (my true friends and my precious princess), I just want you to know that everything is ok (truly), I just needed to write something and let all that stuff out. To my friends and to my dear love: thank you for staying by my side and helping me to always keep moving forward. I love you, guys ♡
Mom: "Hey, are you ok, son?"
Me: "Of course, mom" *smiles slightly*
What really goes in my mind: "No, I'm not ok. I have social anxiety, depression, identity crisis, feel judged by almost everyone and you keep thinking that you know everything while in reality you have no idea of what goes in my mind. I can't tell you any of this, since you would probably just tell me to pray or something, as if it could help me somehow, and no, I don't want a stupid psychologist to make me waste my time and money with a lot of bullshit instead of solving any of my true problems."
Second example:
*dad gets home after work*
Me: hi, dad, how are you?
Dad: hey, son. I'm just fine, what about you? *smiles*
Me: yeah, I'm good *hugs him*
What really goes in my mind: "there's that everyday smile, but I imagine how quickly that smile would fade away if he knew the truth. How would he react if he knew that I already had suicidal thoughts? Even more when according to his personal beliefs, suicidal people go directly to hell (I truly expected more from him, since he also has depression, I thought he would at least try to understand, but of course it never happened). How would he react if he knew that he is one of the reasons why I have anxiety today? People have no idea how words can hurt someone, even more than any physical harm, since those can create scars on your subconscious, scars that might never fade away."
Today is Christmas and everything on Christmas Eve yesterday was so superficial. My mom caring more about taking pictures than about experiencing truly memorable moments. Gifts being planned (no surprises at all). It hurts being forced to hide your true feelings from your own family...
For all those who care (my true friends and my precious princess), I just want you to know that everything is ok (truly), I just needed to write something and let all that stuff out. To my friends and to my dear love: thank you for staying by my side and helping me to always keep moving forward. I love you, guys ♡
22-25, M