I Am Good At Pretending That I Am Okay

I went to see my parents today. They were just a few blocks from my last appt so I thought I'd stop by to say hello and pick up my mail. I love my parents, but they don't get me or understand me. Growing up, I've learned that they are very cautious and conservative. They don't like to try anything new because it takes them out of their comfort zone. They don't like hearing what I have to say because it exposes them to new thoughts and ideas. I've been going through a lot these last past couple of days...hell...these last past couple of years. They aren't there for me. A few weeks ago, while with a client, I got some materials out of my trunk (I'm an interior designer) and I watched myself close the trunk with my car keys still inside. This job is hard enough as it is, and I consistently deal with high pressures, time management challenges, and stress. The first point of contact is my parents. I felt as though they would know if opening up my car due to locking myself out is covered out of my insurance. My mom was of no help. I was almost in tears and I worked at my client's home, designing as I spoke with my mom on the phone, multi-tasking, trying to remain calm. She pitied my circumstance, and essentially said in her own way, that I needed to figure this out on my own. My parents' lack of life experiences causes them to remain distant because they don't know how to be there for us or connect with us. It breaks my heart...everyday. My friends proclaim on social media how their parents are ALWAYS there for them, how they know they can count on them... My parents, nothing. I grew up in a very conservative home. And I found myself jumping into crazy circumstances because I wanted to gain the experiences that come along with them. It made me see life with awe and wonder, with different eyes. I was curious about it all. When I was talking to my mom on the phone, I knew she didn't have a spare key for me. But I was counting on her for information about what our insurance covered. I knew that she couldn't pick me up to get a spare key. She doesn't drive. I knew she didn't have the answers to my dilemma. But I was counting on her for reassurances and comfort. I didn't get any of that from her. I was stuck and there was no one I could turn to. She proceeded into changing the subject. Was I ready for our trip to Vegas? Have I spoken with my brother lately who was traveling overseas? Do I have the Uber set up so that we can have a ride to the airport? None of those things matter. What matters is how I'm going to deal with this problem in front of me. Fast-forward a few weeks later. Once again, at a client's home, I again lock myself out of my car. I was able to solve this problem a little bit more easily with a group of 5 construction worker men who were nearby, but nonetheless, I was in a pickle, and I regrettably called my mom for immediate comfort. Nothing no help. Fast forward to yesterday late evening, I went to see my parents. I've been going through sooo much lately. Emotionally and physically. I can't talk to them about what I'm going through. They don't hear me. They don't understand. It's too hard for me to try. I don't want to make the effort to try. I have the same relationship with my husband. I am the one hurting. I am the one having a hard time. I am the one seeking comfort. Trying and trying and trying to get them to be there for me, seeing them not get me, it only hurts me more. Why do I have to say it over 15 times, "I'm hurting, be there for me. I'm hurting, be there for me. I'm hurting, HELLO!!! Be there for me. Why are you just standing there? Why are you changing the subject? You didn't hear me the first time? Hello, I'm hurting." Nothing. It hurts to continue to try. It hurts going through the motions. Being vulnerable. It hurts to have them ignore me or brush me aside. I drove home last night thinking about HIM. He was the ONLY one I could talk to. 35 years of existence and finding that there was only one person who could be there for me. My husband asks me all the time. How come I didn't make it work out with HIM? I question it all of the time too. I felt in my gut that it wasn't completely sincere or genuine. There were ulterior motives to him being there for me. But now I question, how real was it???

In my immediate surroundings, I know MANY people. There is no doubt I easily make friends and people easily take to me. I'm funny. I'm contagious. I'm entertaining. I'm memorable. I give off a very positive aura. But my aura is a front. I'm sooo sad inside and i WILL NOT let it show. I'm afraid to show vulnerability. Nonetheless, I do with a select few. Regrettably I'm finding that those people don't know how to be there for me. I realized this after I left my parents. I find true genuine comfort with strangers. Sometimes I want to close myself off to the world... How can I break free from this severe depressive state???