I Cant Sleep Tonight
I felt like I've been on Prozac again for the last month or two. Which is a big deal; because I haven't been on Prozac since I've been sixteen, give or take.
Admittedly, I can kind of feel myself starting to turn. Maybe it's because I'm mildly sleep deprived, or that in hindsight all I had to eat/drink yesterday was half a water bottle, two mugs of coffee, and some cookie dough (I'm a picture of health, by the way 🙄), or even just that high school ended and every one is moving on and things are changing. Just overwhelmed but it's nothing of concern.
Or maybe I'm just falling into that thick mess depression is.
I will never forget how I was diagnosed with such a thing. Initially I went in to the doctor to take a test to see if I had ADD/ADHD- I actually have both apparently, which still doesn't make sense to me. But ah well.
Anyway, the doctor came into the room and, I'm paraphrasing here, said, "I'm surprised you didn't come in earlier. For starters your ADD is.. wow." It runs in my moms side of the family. "But you're also clinically depressed."
So.. every one's heard of depression. I don't even remember how old I was at this point. It would have had to be my freshmen year in high school, because that's the only year I did good in (I was prescribed with Adderall and Prozac after this). But I never thought I had it. It's just that depression isn't really black and white, not like I thought it would be.
I kind of had this idea that depression was simply intense sadness. And admittedly, I did feel sad a lot at this time; I just thought it came with growing up.
I will say that I've felt that way as long as I can remember, but I always had "reasons" for it. But that's another story I may or may not share.
But because I felt this way for so long it felt normal. I thought everyone felt that way.
So, when I feel depressed it's not so much that there's lack of joy.. it was more of lack of interest. No ambition. There's no need to be happy, because I can just sleep. I don't really need to eat, because I can just sleep. It doesn't bother me if I don't go out much, because I can just sleep.
The only time I ever really felt joy was in reading or playing video games- because I was living in a separate reality. Whereas, while I wasn't miserable when I was with my friends, there was a constant gnawing. And sleeping was just a big pause button, with the occasional benefit of a dream (though when you sleep most of the day the dreams either stop coming or get really weird).
It's not easy to explain. At the time, I was dismissed as a lazy adolescent. In hindsight, it was a little more.
I got a little off topic writing this story.. I'm not even sure what point I wanted to make at the end of it. I think I was going to get into why I stopped taking my Prozac and Adderall but I feel like this story is already dragging on. Maybe I'll get into that later. Maybe not. We will see.
OH. That Family Guy episode, where Lois puts Stewie on meds for his attention.. if you've never taken something like that.. I think Brian represents it pretty well 😂
Admittedly, I can kind of feel myself starting to turn. Maybe it's because I'm mildly sleep deprived, or that in hindsight all I had to eat/drink yesterday was half a water bottle, two mugs of coffee, and some cookie dough (I'm a picture of health, by the way 🙄), or even just that high school ended and every one is moving on and things are changing. Just overwhelmed but it's nothing of concern.
Or maybe I'm just falling into that thick mess depression is.
I will never forget how I was diagnosed with such a thing. Initially I went in to the doctor to take a test to see if I had ADD/ADHD- I actually have both apparently, which still doesn't make sense to me. But ah well.
Anyway, the doctor came into the room and, I'm paraphrasing here, said, "I'm surprised you didn't come in earlier. For starters your ADD is.. wow." It runs in my moms side of the family. "But you're also clinically depressed."
So.. every one's heard of depression. I don't even remember how old I was at this point. It would have had to be my freshmen year in high school, because that's the only year I did good in (I was prescribed with Adderall and Prozac after this). But I never thought I had it. It's just that depression isn't really black and white, not like I thought it would be.
I kind of had this idea that depression was simply intense sadness. And admittedly, I did feel sad a lot at this time; I just thought it came with growing up.
I will say that I've felt that way as long as I can remember, but I always had "reasons" for it. But that's another story I may or may not share.
But because I felt this way for so long it felt normal. I thought everyone felt that way.
So, when I feel depressed it's not so much that there's lack of joy.. it was more of lack of interest. No ambition. There's no need to be happy, because I can just sleep. I don't really need to eat, because I can just sleep. It doesn't bother me if I don't go out much, because I can just sleep.
The only time I ever really felt joy was in reading or playing video games- because I was living in a separate reality. Whereas, while I wasn't miserable when I was with my friends, there was a constant gnawing. And sleeping was just a big pause button, with the occasional benefit of a dream (though when you sleep most of the day the dreams either stop coming or get really weird).
It's not easy to explain. At the time, I was dismissed as a lazy adolescent. In hindsight, it was a little more.
I got a little off topic writing this story.. I'm not even sure what point I wanted to make at the end of it. I think I was going to get into why I stopped taking my Prozac and Adderall but I feel like this story is already dragging on. Maybe I'll get into that later. Maybe not. We will see.
OH. That Family Guy episode, where Lois puts Stewie on meds for his attention.. if you've never taken something like that.. I think Brian represents it pretty well 😂
26-30, F
