Dear Kyle - ramblings
I had been there gunning for you. Listening to you complain every day, assuring you that you were deserving of more and worthy of change. Then I realized you complain about everything and everyone that isn’t what you want it to be. I stayed when you grew selfish even though I knew, at some point, I wasn’t helping at all. I was enabling you to get worse.
Then I acted worse. I was exhausted with you, with major life changes, with all the responsibility I had and then, protecting myself from your negativity. Worrying about getting mine because you only took. Ugh.
I left you but wanted to stay friends. I didn’t hate you. But somehow you continued to make me uncomfortable. I tolerated it because I wanted a friend. When your family’s started hating me and your friends wouldn’t look me in they eye, I started to feel like a bad person but didn’t know why.
I am a bad person now. I dirtied my own morals. I became unreliable and unresponsive. I have previous pain, daily pain, I expect pain.
You got worse too.
I left for a year and when I came back you were smitten all over again. But I wasn’t going for it. I had gotten myself back!
But you pushed. More strangeness. You made promises and never showed. You persisted until you got angry and exploded because I wasn’t yours again. I was very clear. I was not yours from the moment I left our relationship. It was you who tricked yourself and again, I felt the crushing of being disliked by the friend group again.
Now I don’t know what to think. Now I avoid them all. They make me angry.
On one hand, I gave so much to these people. Even in my worst times I was thoughtful of them. My kindness was taken. More was expected. My acceptance was appreciated but I was not given any in return. Only pressure and pushing to be beside people who made me feel sick, as I was ignoring my morals and making myself very uncomfortable and anxious .
On the other hand, I am no cake. I have ptsd and single mom syndrome. I was and am jealous of people who have families and support systems. I am always exhausted yet still going. I have nothing left to give them, because I was too generous in my desperation to be liked. I really want people to like me. I have rarely felt accepted or appreciated. It wasn’t a thing in my family. It’s not about attention, my ego is humbled and I have no need for compliments. It’s about being seen. Listened to. But whatever I shared either was tuned out or they wanted to fix me. I want someone to have confidence in me but for the past few years I have been nobody. Sadness was reality.
Today, you act like I’m a friend but still with empty promises and constant negativity. I told you not to lean on me, you needed to build yourself up, told you I believed in you. And you made incredible improvements after you exploded angrily on me, while I ignored you for a month.
And now you’re too good for me. You act embarrassed to be seen with me. Treating me like second class after years of putting me on a pedestal I never wanted to be on. You pulled it out from under me and it hurts because of my insecurities. But what did I expect?
I am a mess. I have done amazing things and learned so much, yet I feel I’m turning into a monster. I had always been that sweet reliable person now I’m just angry. So angry. The betrayals, losses and cardiac whiplash of single parenthood have worn on me. And nobody cares. There is no sympathy or help. I fully accept that and I’m so emotionally trashed at this point I have turned into someone I don’t want to be.
Those hurt people taking out their hurt on others, that’s me sometimes. It’s not who I want to be, but there’s no way to make it better. I’ve tried all the things over and over.
I once believed love would save me. I believed i could have a family system even if small and discombobulated. But those dreams are dead. They’re dead. That hurts worse than my failures. To concede that the person I have become is unloveable. No matter how pure my heart still is, the anger, sadness and jealousy took control. I fought for so long. So hard.
I’m not saying I’m running around being an asshole all the time, but if I feel slighted, it erupts from me. It’s my only protection. My only voice left. Like a dying animal fighting off a pack of predators. I know it’s useless. I wanted more for my child. My family life growing up was junk. I wanted to make my child’s so different but I am exactly like my parents. My dead parents.
I don’t want to give up ever. But I don’t sleep, I’m in physical pain and nauseous 24/7 and I only have more and more responsibilities. More piled on me. Ditching my “friends” took a load off, but now I’m so lonely. I don’t have time or energy nor anyone to watch my child so I can pursue self care or meeting new people.
I want to get back to myself but there’s no path leading me there. I don’t have the strength to forge ahead much longer. I feel it as months and years go by. I am getting older. I am tired of being strong 24/7 but there is no safe place to rest. Not even in my own bed.
God I wish I could sleep.
Then I acted worse. I was exhausted with you, with major life changes, with all the responsibility I had and then, protecting myself from your negativity. Worrying about getting mine because you only took. Ugh.
I left you but wanted to stay friends. I didn’t hate you. But somehow you continued to make me uncomfortable. I tolerated it because I wanted a friend. When your family’s started hating me and your friends wouldn’t look me in they eye, I started to feel like a bad person but didn’t know why.
I am a bad person now. I dirtied my own morals. I became unreliable and unresponsive. I have previous pain, daily pain, I expect pain.
You got worse too.
I left for a year and when I came back you were smitten all over again. But I wasn’t going for it. I had gotten myself back!
But you pushed. More strangeness. You made promises and never showed. You persisted until you got angry and exploded because I wasn’t yours again. I was very clear. I was not yours from the moment I left our relationship. It was you who tricked yourself and again, I felt the crushing of being disliked by the friend group again.
Now I don’t know what to think. Now I avoid them all. They make me angry.
On one hand, I gave so much to these people. Even in my worst times I was thoughtful of them. My kindness was taken. More was expected. My acceptance was appreciated but I was not given any in return. Only pressure and pushing to be beside people who made me feel sick, as I was ignoring my morals and making myself very uncomfortable and anxious .
On the other hand, I am no cake. I have ptsd and single mom syndrome. I was and am jealous of people who have families and support systems. I am always exhausted yet still going. I have nothing left to give them, because I was too generous in my desperation to be liked. I really want people to like me. I have rarely felt accepted or appreciated. It wasn’t a thing in my family. It’s not about attention, my ego is humbled and I have no need for compliments. It’s about being seen. Listened to. But whatever I shared either was tuned out or they wanted to fix me. I want someone to have confidence in me but for the past few years I have been nobody. Sadness was reality.
Today, you act like I’m a friend but still with empty promises and constant negativity. I told you not to lean on me, you needed to build yourself up, told you I believed in you. And you made incredible improvements after you exploded angrily on me, while I ignored you for a month.
And now you’re too good for me. You act embarrassed to be seen with me. Treating me like second class after years of putting me on a pedestal I never wanted to be on. You pulled it out from under me and it hurts because of my insecurities. But what did I expect?
I am a mess. I have done amazing things and learned so much, yet I feel I’m turning into a monster. I had always been that sweet reliable person now I’m just angry. So angry. The betrayals, losses and cardiac whiplash of single parenthood have worn on me. And nobody cares. There is no sympathy or help. I fully accept that and I’m so emotionally trashed at this point I have turned into someone I don’t want to be.
Those hurt people taking out their hurt on others, that’s me sometimes. It’s not who I want to be, but there’s no way to make it better. I’ve tried all the things over and over.
I once believed love would save me. I believed i could have a family system even if small and discombobulated. But those dreams are dead. They’re dead. That hurts worse than my failures. To concede that the person I have become is unloveable. No matter how pure my heart still is, the anger, sadness and jealousy took control. I fought for so long. So hard.
I’m not saying I’m running around being an asshole all the time, but if I feel slighted, it erupts from me. It’s my only protection. My only voice left. Like a dying animal fighting off a pack of predators. I know it’s useless. I wanted more for my child. My family life growing up was junk. I wanted to make my child’s so different but I am exactly like my parents. My dead parents.
I don’t want to give up ever. But I don’t sleep, I’m in physical pain and nauseous 24/7 and I only have more and more responsibilities. More piled on me. Ditching my “friends” took a load off, but now I’m so lonely. I don’t have time or energy nor anyone to watch my child so I can pursue self care or meeting new people.
I want to get back to myself but there’s no path leading me there. I don’t have the strength to forge ahead much longer. I feel it as months and years go by. I am getting older. I am tired of being strong 24/7 but there is no safe place to rest. Not even in my own bed.
God I wish I could sleep.
