When the pain of losing the love of your life doesn’t go away
No matter how much time has passed. I still yearn for him but I can’t do anything about it. He has moved on and married another lady who he can share a life with in real life. She probably is much more independent and self sufficient than I ever was. She probably had no mental illnesses or low motivation. She probably makes him feel whole. I broke up with him out of love and caring for his future. I didn’t deserve his love and I didn’t want him to wait around for me to get my life together for another many more years. I didn’t want him to have to deal with my mental illnesses after I realized I had a psychotic break from reality. I was almost arrested for falsifying police reports. I was not good for him. Sometimes though we had an overall positive relationship I contributed to making him feel ignored and unloved when I took a while to message him back when I was in a depressive slump or engrossed in my hobbies/passions. I had mishaps with two male friends coming on to me when I was dating Sujeet. I ended the friendships after of course but he warned me beforehand this would happen and I didn’t listen to his advice. Sometimes he wondered who he was to me and that broke my heart. He would just do his own thing when he felt I wasn’t paying him attention and didn’t want to bother me for a little while. We hardly fought or argued. But I drove him crazy at times but he always forgave me. He knew I was suffering inside. He was very patient and he went out of his way to cheer me up when I was down. Sujeet did not have an easy life either. He was poor even with an accounting job that only paid him a few hundred dollars per month. He grew up poor with a homemaker mother and a taxi driver/chauffeur father. He was the youngest of five siblings. Two sisters and two brothers. He felt very misunderstood and had no friends as good of a person as he was. He was really depressed before he met me. He pushed through being abused at work and name called by his boss at one of the first accounting/bookkeeping positions he had. People forgot about him and left him behind in life. He was an adorable combination of friendly but shy. I loved his shyness it was an endearing quality to have. He found me online after reading some of my posts and decided to message me asking if we could be best friends because we had a lot in common being outsiders ( misunderstood and invalidated). For a while we were just friends. Then it turned to romantic love. He asked me to please be with him romantically
And I was so touched by his vulnerability and sincerity that despite being on two far continents from each other I said yes. The rest is history. I was his first love and he was not my first romantic partner but first true love yes. At least the break up didn’t traumatize him so badly that he never found love again. He did love me once upon a time. We wanted to travel and live together and get married. We had many dreams for each other. He told me he could go to hell with me as long as I was there. He could move anywhere and adapt so long as he had me. There were times when I asked him if he ever wanted to be with someone closer to home, he got so upset and said don’t say stuff like that because it hurt his feelings. He wanted me. He wanted me to finish my studies and courses so I could start saving up money and become independent with the skills I learned through portfolio projects or pass final exams to get a certification and work experience. He tried to save enough money to see me but did not have much after all his monthly expenses. So he was relying on me to make enough money to bring us together. But I never finished my studies and online courses and I wasn’t working stably to save any money. I had him wait for many years for me. The heartbreaking part is he believed me when I was told him what I thought was going on with my neighbors even though it was hard to believe. I thought it was true but in reality it wasn’t. I messed everything up. We stayed friends for eight months after our breakup. He chose to not get back together with me because he thought it wasn’t good for my future. I needed someone close by to love me and he didn’t want to hurt me more than I already had been hurting. Six months after our breakup he started going on dates with a woman he met when he traveled outside of Delhi India. And he started seriously dating and courting her some time after that because he got engaged like two to two and half months later. I don’t even blame him. What could he do but move on? Even if he were single still, I know getting back together with him wouldn’t have been fair to him as I feel I was toxic sometimes. Long story short I broke his heart and he found love elsewhere. Maybe after being with me it gave him some confidence to what he could offer women. He promised me before he met his fiancée that we would always stay good friends. But after being with her, he cut all ties with me and told me to please take care and have a good life. So not even the friendship survived. It was my fault because I gushed my feelings and he told me not to be stuck on the past and to plan my future and execute it accordingly. We were both miserable although he handled the breakup as best as he could and said it was better for me even though part of him wanted to get back together with me when o asked him if he would consider taking me back after I made a huge mistake a few days to few weeks before. He knew I was in a psychiatric hospital after my parents told him and he didn’t run away but told them to keep him posted of my status three years ago. He said someday he pictured being with me in person but when I broke up with him, he said if that was what was best for me he understood. I messed up so much . Also though he paid me a lot of attention occasionally I felt lonely in a long distance online relationship. We video called regularly, phone called, and texted on WhatsApp and sent each other emails. He told me later he used to constantly ask me and pressure me to finish studies because if I didn’t he could see something like a breakup happening. As an infj man he read me like an open book. I’m an infp. Our personalities were similar so no wonder we got along. I miss him to this day and wish him the best even though he abandoned me. I broke my promise to him to always be with him as his girlfriend and then eventually fiancee and then wife. He broke his promise to me to always remain good friends even though we weren’t lovers anymore. For communication we emailed each other and spoke on similar worlds after our breakup. He came back to WhatsApp for a month and a half because he was worried I might do something wrong to myself. I didn’t mean to make him think that. I tried to contact him every way I could to save our friendship but he never answered my emails or messages again after telling me to please not write him so much anywhere because it would make his girlfriend suspicious and she would get different thoughts about wanting to be with him. Basically long story short I screwed up and he moved on with his life.without me. Now I am a hot mess who sometimes cried still for losing him. Time is starting to blur the memories a little bit but also I remember a lot very clearly. I’ll never forget him. I have been told I should remember the good memories and how kind he was as a basis for how I would like to be treated in another relationship. But Sujeet is in the past and I need to move on and look forward. I can’t receive a blessing of finding someone else if I am stuck on Sujeet. Truthfully I don’t think I will ever find anyone else because I’m probably going to be single for the rest of my life. But that’s ok. I think with my problems I am meant to be alone anyway.
And I was so touched by his vulnerability and sincerity that despite being on two far continents from each other I said yes. The rest is history. I was his first love and he was not my first romantic partner but first true love yes. At least the break up didn’t traumatize him so badly that he never found love again. He did love me once upon a time. We wanted to travel and live together and get married. We had many dreams for each other. He told me he could go to hell with me as long as I was there. He could move anywhere and adapt so long as he had me. There were times when I asked him if he ever wanted to be with someone closer to home, he got so upset and said don’t say stuff like that because it hurt his feelings. He wanted me. He wanted me to finish my studies and courses so I could start saving up money and become independent with the skills I learned through portfolio projects or pass final exams to get a certification and work experience. He tried to save enough money to see me but did not have much after all his monthly expenses. So he was relying on me to make enough money to bring us together. But I never finished my studies and online courses and I wasn’t working stably to save any money. I had him wait for many years for me. The heartbreaking part is he believed me when I was told him what I thought was going on with my neighbors even though it was hard to believe. I thought it was true but in reality it wasn’t. I messed everything up. We stayed friends for eight months after our breakup. He chose to not get back together with me because he thought it wasn’t good for my future. I needed someone close by to love me and he didn’t want to hurt me more than I already had been hurting. Six months after our breakup he started going on dates with a woman he met when he traveled outside of Delhi India. And he started seriously dating and courting her some time after that because he got engaged like two to two and half months later. I don’t even blame him. What could he do but move on? Even if he were single still, I know getting back together with him wouldn’t have been fair to him as I feel I was toxic sometimes. Long story short I broke his heart and he found love elsewhere. Maybe after being with me it gave him some confidence to what he could offer women. He promised me before he met his fiancée that we would always stay good friends. But after being with her, he cut all ties with me and told me to please take care and have a good life. So not even the friendship survived. It was my fault because I gushed my feelings and he told me not to be stuck on the past and to plan my future and execute it accordingly. We were both miserable although he handled the breakup as best as he could and said it was better for me even though part of him wanted to get back together with me when o asked him if he would consider taking me back after I made a huge mistake a few days to few weeks before. He knew I was in a psychiatric hospital after my parents told him and he didn’t run away but told them to keep him posted of my status three years ago. He said someday he pictured being with me in person but when I broke up with him, he said if that was what was best for me he understood. I messed up so much . Also though he paid me a lot of attention occasionally I felt lonely in a long distance online relationship. We video called regularly, phone called, and texted on WhatsApp and sent each other emails. He told me later he used to constantly ask me and pressure me to finish studies because if I didn’t he could see something like a breakup happening. As an infj man he read me like an open book. I’m an infp. Our personalities were similar so no wonder we got along. I miss him to this day and wish him the best even though he abandoned me. I broke my promise to him to always be with him as his girlfriend and then eventually fiancee and then wife. He broke his promise to me to always remain good friends even though we weren’t lovers anymore. For communication we emailed each other and spoke on similar worlds after our breakup. He came back to WhatsApp for a month and a half because he was worried I might do something wrong to myself. I didn’t mean to make him think that. I tried to contact him every way I could to save our friendship but he never answered my emails or messages again after telling me to please not write him so much anywhere because it would make his girlfriend suspicious and she would get different thoughts about wanting to be with him. Basically long story short I screwed up and he moved on with his life.without me. Now I am a hot mess who sometimes cried still for losing him. Time is starting to blur the memories a little bit but also I remember a lot very clearly. I’ll never forget him. I have been told I should remember the good memories and how kind he was as a basis for how I would like to be treated in another relationship. But Sujeet is in the past and I need to move on and look forward. I can’t receive a blessing of finding someone else if I am stuck on Sujeet. Truthfully I don’t think I will ever find anyone else because I’m probably going to be single for the rest of my life. But that’s ok. I think with my problems I am meant to be alone anyway.
31-35, F
