Too scared to move on from the toxicity
I'm too scared of what's to come
Same gut wrenching feeling and inability to stay asleep. I opened my eyes, felt less pain than usual and that freaked me out. It's like I don't want to get over this. I'm scared. I'm scared of what would happen if I did , thinking ''what if he wakes up and becomes a better person but then am over it ? '' and what would my life be like if I stop feeling this pain ? It would be even more empty and more painful. I've never thought I would want to hold on to pain, but here I am doing it. I really just want to go back to sleep right now. I have a splitting headache and don't want to be awake but here I am writing this. I'm hurting and at the same time scared of what would happen if this bleeding stops. I'm afraid I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'm also afraid of when I'll see him move on while I remain stuck in the same place. I'm afraid of failure but at the same time I'm pushing myself towards it with a lot of force. I can logically determine what's right and what's wrong, but I can't do it, can't do the right thing
Yesterday I posted a photo of the sky on social media and he liked it but didn't message me... so he's fine. If he really wanted to fix things he would reach out but he didn't reach out. So he doesn't care anymore. That's painful but it just shows that it's not my responsibility. I did nothing wrong. It's his fault. He's the one who doesn't want to make an effort. I wanted to stay and fix things, hold hands through good and bad. He just wanted to ''skip this and continue as if nothing happened'' aaaaah so why can't I move on ? I'm too scared to move on. Scared of the emptiness that is my life, scared I wouldn't know what to do with myself or that I would move on into something that would give me significantly more pain, something so dark it would have me do more than just starve and hit myself
I'm also not doing anything good for myself. I live in a toxic household where there are fights all the time, two narcissistic brothers and a father I don't have a very good relationship with (because he used to hit my mother when we were younger and used to always tell me that I'm not good enough although I used to work really hard at school and teachers were proud of me but he was never satisfied). So, now I'm working and I have some money in the bank but I'm not buying myself any nice clothes, I'm not traveling, I'm not doing anything to get ahead in life or even relax. I can't relax. I'm in a constant state of anxiety and hate every waking moment of my day. I was holding on to this guy as hope but now he's left me too. Everyone leaves me
Same gut wrenching feeling and inability to stay asleep. I opened my eyes, felt less pain than usual and that freaked me out. It's like I don't want to get over this. I'm scared. I'm scared of what would happen if I did , thinking ''what if he wakes up and becomes a better person but then am over it ? '' and what would my life be like if I stop feeling this pain ? It would be even more empty and more painful. I've never thought I would want to hold on to pain, but here I am doing it. I really just want to go back to sleep right now. I have a splitting headache and don't want to be awake but here I am writing this. I'm hurting and at the same time scared of what would happen if this bleeding stops. I'm afraid I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'm also afraid of when I'll see him move on while I remain stuck in the same place. I'm afraid of failure but at the same time I'm pushing myself towards it with a lot of force. I can logically determine what's right and what's wrong, but I can't do it, can't do the right thing
Yesterday I posted a photo of the sky on social media and he liked it but didn't message me... so he's fine. If he really wanted to fix things he would reach out but he didn't reach out. So he doesn't care anymore. That's painful but it just shows that it's not my responsibility. I did nothing wrong. It's his fault. He's the one who doesn't want to make an effort. I wanted to stay and fix things, hold hands through good and bad. He just wanted to ''skip this and continue as if nothing happened'' aaaaah so why can't I move on ? I'm too scared to move on. Scared of the emptiness that is my life, scared I wouldn't know what to do with myself or that I would move on into something that would give me significantly more pain, something so dark it would have me do more than just starve and hit myself
I'm also not doing anything good for myself. I live in a toxic household where there are fights all the time, two narcissistic brothers and a father I don't have a very good relationship with (because he used to hit my mother when we were younger and used to always tell me that I'm not good enough although I used to work really hard at school and teachers were proud of me but he was never satisfied). So, now I'm working and I have some money in the bank but I'm not buying myself any nice clothes, I'm not traveling, I'm not doing anything to get ahead in life or even relax. I can't relax. I'm in a constant state of anxiety and hate every waking moment of my day. I was holding on to this guy as hope but now he's left me too. Everyone leaves me
