I've always hidden my pain
I have a childhood memory in which I was at a friend's birthday party and apparently I did something to bother her that she pushed me so hard I fell to the floor. I laughed it off while she glared at me even tho I was deeply hurt. Then I got up and acted like nothing happened and was nice to her.
That fake laugh... is so familiar to me it's a part of me, something that defines me and always has. Whenever something bothers me I laugh and act like it doesn't affect me in the least when I'm feeling the complete opposite. I think it stems from a fear of being reprimanded for showing any weakness growing up. My parents were never emotionally available and my sadness or hurt never mattered, just resulted in being yelled at. Even when I was sick or in physical pain it elicited an angry response from my them.
My reflex is acting like I'm strong and undeterred. There are countless times that I've put on a brave face and later cried because of something that hurt me. It's second nature. Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive which is why I don't think it's worth opening up about and it would just anger the other person and create more problems than it would solve.
As a kid there were lots of times when other kids would bully me and I never knew how to retaliate or what to say. It took me quite a while to work up the courage to speak up but I think I haven't fully mastered it yet.
I usually don't write my painful thoughts like this but I think I've kept it in too long
That fake laugh... is so familiar to me it's a part of me, something that defines me and always has. Whenever something bothers me I laugh and act like it doesn't affect me in the least when I'm feeling the complete opposite. I think it stems from a fear of being reprimanded for showing any weakness growing up. My parents were never emotionally available and my sadness or hurt never mattered, just resulted in being yelled at. Even when I was sick or in physical pain it elicited an angry response from my them.
My reflex is acting like I'm strong and undeterred. There are countless times that I've put on a brave face and later cried because of something that hurt me. It's second nature. Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive which is why I don't think it's worth opening up about and it would just anger the other person and create more problems than it would solve.
As a kid there were lots of times when other kids would bully me and I never knew how to retaliate or what to say. It took me quite a while to work up the courage to speak up but I think I haven't fully mastered it yet.
I usually don't write my painful thoughts like this but I think I've kept it in too long
