Grief Has More Layers Than I Knew: Speaking Outloud So Others Can Heal Too
I think I just put my finger on another part of the hurt I've experienced; another layer to the grief I'm working on, and I thought maybe it might help other victims, that have gone through the same. I believe if you can put a finger on it, that just helps the healing all the more. That way, if you can name it (or not), you can pray about it, and I'm here to tell you that it helps. HE helps, a great deal. I'm very grateful for that, as the heart can only carry so much, and once again, God is really ministering to me as I move along in my journey. Couldn't really do without him. Hm-umm. Just couldn't.
See, it's not just what happened. It's the many layers you have to deal with. It's that even now, after everything, I'm still struggling to exercise restraint, because of the circumstances he left me in. I can't even express my frustration as freely as I would like, without feeling certain things, that would involve, and no... I don't mean spilling out vulgarities. I don't feel a need to do that. That's just not necessary, and would not resolve a thing.
No... There's much worse things to deal with. You can forgive someone, don't forget, but you are still left to deal with the "after feelings"... the many "layers" of grief. That's where prayer comes in big time, and I cannot tell you how thankful I am that I have that to help me work through all this. People can sure hurt you, harm you, and just walk away as if nothing has happened, but it's YOU that's left in the aftermath to deal with the grief, pain, lies, cheating, betrayal, catfishing, whatever it is you've experienced at the hand of another, and still - trying - to - heal.
That's the part they don't get. Yet, in some cases, they actually do. Some just don't 'want' to get it, because they realize that might cause them to feel responsible and guilty. And God forbid, they act like a mature, responsible adult, and just own what they've done, but that's just it. That's too uncomfortable for them. That right there, shows you how much you mean to them. They're more concerned about covering their sin and making sure they get away with it, than ever thinking about you, your feelings, and how their sneaky stunt would affect YOU.
And the kicker is, those type people don't even care if they get caught, because to them they're never really "caught", as they can just tell more lies to cover the previous lie and so on, that you KNOW are lies, until you're exhausted trying to get them to own up to it, or why they would even do this to you, for one thing. The one who's been with them for years, and all the numerous avenues of love, care, mentoring, supporting, encouraging, all the trust that was built up over those years, the total giving of yourself, and all that Trust can be gone down the drain in a flash, with just one lie.
Thing is, it's not only "just a lie". There's no such thing, you see, it's more Insidious than that. I can't help but think what monster would do this to another person who was so faithful and loving to them, as to turn right around and stab them right in the heart with a betrayal or betray-als and even more lies...Again!!! Where there's no trust, there's no relationship. None.
Whether one lie, two lies, or White Lies --- that don't matter. That's not the point! Because ANY LIE, no matter how you want to dress it up, fix it up, dismiss it, or EXCUSE it....it's still a LIE.
And the reason I say there's no such thing as just a lie. Because you see, a lie is different. Even one. You know why? Because it was deliberate. Deliberately executed! There's no excuse for that, if you love someone, or you "say" you love someone. A best friend will not lie to you deliberately. They wouldn't even think about hurting you in that way. Not a best friend. That just shows me how little I was thought of. Cuz my feelings didn't matter, obviously...just the lies. Nor did the aftermath of the many consequences he FORCED upon me...a DOUBLE-WHAMMY. And oh....the consequences for the victim, of even one lie.
And speaking of consequences and the layers of grief. There's one thing I had not realized but now realize on different days. One of those consequences I am experiencing as I write this to you and it's not easy. It happens when I think of all that happened to me. That's why I'll be glad when I finish writing this because even thinking about what he did to me, my body has gone into shock once again.
My arms are freezing but due to my nerves and what this all did to my nervous system, I'm shaking as if I've been in a terrible accident or something and my chin, both arms, and my shoulders are shaking so violently I cannot stop them and it is causing even my teeth to rattle. I'm just freezing to death. My body is in shock. That's one of the other layers I was sharing with you that you may not have known about the effect that one lie can carry from someone you just knew for a fact would never ever lie to you. I can't tell you how badly I'm shaking. My hands as if I were 100 years old shaking so bad I can only dictate the rest of this to you. But don't feel bad, please. I have better days too and through the good or bad days, God is helping me through and I must tell you that if I did not have him, I don't believe I would be writing this to you today. So be careful who you trust, because that can change in one moment. Even if you think you know that person.
This doesn't mean you should suspect everyone that comes along. It just means be careful. Just be careful. Everyone deserves a chance, as you would not want to be judged, and you shouldn't let that pendulum swing too far to the right or to the left, but keep a healthy balance. Intuition and God will surely tell you; will whisper to you when something's just not right.
Listen to both, but when you see that your love, devotion, and trust meant nothing to them, please don't hesitate. Just leave and never look back. That's a red flag, even if you see a small one, it's still a red flag, that you should pay attention to, and start making other plans. Don't allow it for a minute. This type betrayal cannot be repaired. That's not your fault! They fixed that FOR you. And there's many reasons for that, which I will write about tomorrow. One very deep one.
But there's also something else, I want you to understand: Having to exercise restraint doesn't mean you've lost your voice. And choosing not to hurt someone else, doesn't mean you have to silence your own feelings. We choose restraint NOT because we don’t feel it, but because we don’t want to add more damage.
Choosing not to wound someone else, is also not the same as silencing your own heart. You deserve somewhere you can speak honestly without having to dress up your feelings so other people will feel more comfortable. I want you to look at them as good lessons on what to look for, so you don't find yourself in the same place as myself.
You don't have to be the strong one every minute. You don't have to turn every hurt into a lesson before you're allowed to feel it.
And when you need to talk, you can find a good friend who will listen. It won't be all about the other person, and not you. You can, and will be heard, as well. If it's a good friend. They won't deliberately turn your feelings into another project for them to work on.
Sometimes a cup of coffee, an understanding ear, and somebody who actually hears what you're saying, are enough.
I'm shaking so bad right now from the after effects I'm going to have to quit and continue tomorrow. ❤ but don't you feel bad. It helps me to write it. It's part of the healing I guess even though it's hard but don't dare feel a bit bad for me because God's taking care of me as always and these things I have to get out of my system before I can heal. So for me right now I've got to get on something warm and fix a hot cup of coffee and just holding it in my hands the warmth of it on my hands helps calm me down and deep breathing and praying.
Healing is possible. It has its own timing, but can be achieved through prayer with God, and that's what I wanted you to know in writing this. God never abandons us. He's with us 24/7 and that proves how much He loves us and wants to help us get through things, and he definitely has been doing that but I don't think I could do it without him. It's about 3:20 p.m. now, so I'll take a break from this and finish tomorrow. The shaking, the cold, my teeth rattling, my body going into shock just from remembering? That’s one of the layers nobody warns you about. That’s my nervous system saying "this hurt me, and it mattered." I matter.
That second layer of grief?... nobody talks about. The grief of still having to be careful in many ways, because of what someone else did. But God hasn’t left me for one second. 24/7, just like I said. He’s with me in the shaking, in the coffee, and in the healing.
PART TWO, tomorrow...The Aftermath of One Lie: The Layers No One Sees. Will you join me? If I'm not able to write it tomorrow, I'll have it up the next day.
Love you. ❤ Keep on keeping on!
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
See, it's not just what happened. It's the many layers you have to deal with. It's that even now, after everything, I'm still struggling to exercise restraint, because of the circumstances he left me in. I can't even express my frustration as freely as I would like, without feeling certain things, that would involve, and no... I don't mean spilling out vulgarities. I don't feel a need to do that. That's just not necessary, and would not resolve a thing.
No... There's much worse things to deal with. You can forgive someone, don't forget, but you are still left to deal with the "after feelings"... the many "layers" of grief. That's where prayer comes in big time, and I cannot tell you how thankful I am that I have that to help me work through all this. People can sure hurt you, harm you, and just walk away as if nothing has happened, but it's YOU that's left in the aftermath to deal with the grief, pain, lies, cheating, betrayal, catfishing, whatever it is you've experienced at the hand of another, and still - trying - to - heal.
That's the part they don't get. Yet, in some cases, they actually do. Some just don't 'want' to get it, because they realize that might cause them to feel responsible and guilty. And God forbid, they act like a mature, responsible adult, and just own what they've done, but that's just it. That's too uncomfortable for them. That right there, shows you how much you mean to them. They're more concerned about covering their sin and making sure they get away with it, than ever thinking about you, your feelings, and how their sneaky stunt would affect YOU.
And the kicker is, those type people don't even care if they get caught, because to them they're never really "caught", as they can just tell more lies to cover the previous lie and so on, that you KNOW are lies, until you're exhausted trying to get them to own up to it, or why they would even do this to you, for one thing. The one who's been with them for years, and all the numerous avenues of love, care, mentoring, supporting, encouraging, all the trust that was built up over those years, the total giving of yourself, and all that Trust can be gone down the drain in a flash, with just one lie.
Thing is, it's not only "just a lie". There's no such thing, you see, it's more Insidious than that. I can't help but think what monster would do this to another person who was so faithful and loving to them, as to turn right around and stab them right in the heart with a betrayal or betray-als and even more lies...Again!!! Where there's no trust, there's no relationship. None.
Whether one lie, two lies, or White Lies --- that don't matter. That's not the point! Because ANY LIE, no matter how you want to dress it up, fix it up, dismiss it, or EXCUSE it....it's still a LIE.
And the reason I say there's no such thing as just a lie. Because you see, a lie is different. Even one. You know why? Because it was deliberate. Deliberately executed! There's no excuse for that, if you love someone, or you "say" you love someone. A best friend will not lie to you deliberately. They wouldn't even think about hurting you in that way. Not a best friend. That just shows me how little I was thought of. Cuz my feelings didn't matter, obviously...just the lies. Nor did the aftermath of the many consequences he FORCED upon me...a DOUBLE-WHAMMY. And oh....the consequences for the victim, of even one lie.
And speaking of consequences and the layers of grief. There's one thing I had not realized but now realize on different days. One of those consequences I am experiencing as I write this to you and it's not easy. It happens when I think of all that happened to me. That's why I'll be glad when I finish writing this because even thinking about what he did to me, my body has gone into shock once again.
My arms are freezing but due to my nerves and what this all did to my nervous system, I'm shaking as if I've been in a terrible accident or something and my chin, both arms, and my shoulders are shaking so violently I cannot stop them and it is causing even my teeth to rattle. I'm just freezing to death. My body is in shock. That's one of the other layers I was sharing with you that you may not have known about the effect that one lie can carry from someone you just knew for a fact would never ever lie to you. I can't tell you how badly I'm shaking. My hands as if I were 100 years old shaking so bad I can only dictate the rest of this to you. But don't feel bad, please. I have better days too and through the good or bad days, God is helping me through and I must tell you that if I did not have him, I don't believe I would be writing this to you today. So be careful who you trust, because that can change in one moment. Even if you think you know that person.
This doesn't mean you should suspect everyone that comes along. It just means be careful. Just be careful. Everyone deserves a chance, as you would not want to be judged, and you shouldn't let that pendulum swing too far to the right or to the left, but keep a healthy balance. Intuition and God will surely tell you; will whisper to you when something's just not right.
Listen to both, but when you see that your love, devotion, and trust meant nothing to them, please don't hesitate. Just leave and never look back. That's a red flag, even if you see a small one, it's still a red flag, that you should pay attention to, and start making other plans. Don't allow it for a minute. This type betrayal cannot be repaired. That's not your fault! They fixed that FOR you. And there's many reasons for that, which I will write about tomorrow. One very deep one.
But there's also something else, I want you to understand: Having to exercise restraint doesn't mean you've lost your voice. And choosing not to hurt someone else, doesn't mean you have to silence your own feelings. We choose restraint NOT because we don’t feel it, but because we don’t want to add more damage.
Choosing not to wound someone else, is also not the same as silencing your own heart. You deserve somewhere you can speak honestly without having to dress up your feelings so other people will feel more comfortable. I want you to look at them as good lessons on what to look for, so you don't find yourself in the same place as myself.
You don't have to be the strong one every minute. You don't have to turn every hurt into a lesson before you're allowed to feel it.
And when you need to talk, you can find a good friend who will listen. It won't be all about the other person, and not you. You can, and will be heard, as well. If it's a good friend. They won't deliberately turn your feelings into another project for them to work on.
Sometimes a cup of coffee, an understanding ear, and somebody who actually hears what you're saying, are enough.
I'm shaking so bad right now from the after effects I'm going to have to quit and continue tomorrow. ❤ but don't you feel bad. It helps me to write it. It's part of the healing I guess even though it's hard but don't dare feel a bit bad for me because God's taking care of me as always and these things I have to get out of my system before I can heal. So for me right now I've got to get on something warm and fix a hot cup of coffee and just holding it in my hands the warmth of it on my hands helps calm me down and deep breathing and praying.
Healing is possible. It has its own timing, but can be achieved through prayer with God, and that's what I wanted you to know in writing this. God never abandons us. He's with us 24/7 and that proves how much He loves us and wants to help us get through things, and he definitely has been doing that but I don't think I could do it without him. It's about 3:20 p.m. now, so I'll take a break from this and finish tomorrow. The shaking, the cold, my teeth rattling, my body going into shock just from remembering? That’s one of the layers nobody warns you about. That’s my nervous system saying "this hurt me, and it mattered." I matter.
That second layer of grief?... nobody talks about. The grief of still having to be careful in many ways, because of what someone else did. But God hasn’t left me for one second. 24/7, just like I said. He’s with me in the shaking, in the coffee, and in the healing.
PART TWO, tomorrow...The Aftermath of One Lie: The Layers No One Sees. Will you join me? If I'm not able to write it tomorrow, I'll have it up the next day.
Love you. ❤ Keep on keeping on!
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
