For months I've been waiting for anger to come up
As part of the grief process. These recent days I've noticed thoughts that may be stemming from anger. At last.
But until I can get over, no - get through and above these thoughts and feelings, I know the process isn't over. I know I need to channel this anger and give it its due moment. So here goes.
Right now, I've been thinking I'm not beyond violence at this point. If I ever meet this btch again, I'm not beyond wanting to do some permanent, physical damage. I'm physically tiny compared to most and she is bigger and taller than me, but that deters me not one bit. I deal with dogs bigger than I am, dogs smaller but fiercer, all sorts of dogs and cats that can bite my face and/or limbs off at any point and I'm not afraid of them. Let alone this btch. If she crosses my path again, I'm tearing into flesh and -------- her. Fck bruising her - she'll be missing parts. She can fight me all she wants but I won't be stopping until I know that btch's shit is permanent.
Right now I'm reflecting on these thoughts and my thoughts fork in two directions. One thought went, I'd better carry with me a small knife then. Oh wait, I have one. Another thought went, this is the kinda violence that'll get me arrested. I loathe getting into trouble, but right now I'm thinking she has it coming.
At the same time, I know for as long as I have this anger and this position that she wins. And fck if I let that that btch win anything. One day, and I'm aiming for this day, she will mean nothing to me. I won't care. I won't have this btch have any power over me.
I also know that perhaps my anger is more appropriately directed towards him. But I've already deemed him weak, a boy not a man. He's not worth any more time or effort. I've waited months for anger towards him and nothing.
I don't get angry often and these thoughts and desires somewhat scare me. I look down on violence and view anger as something as destructive as violence. So what the actual fck. But I'm glad for the anger showing up anyway. At least now I know I'm that much closer to progressing to acceptance.
For anyone reading this, I'm sorry for the description of violence. I've edited out truly graphic parts while trying to stay true to the feeling of anger visiting me.
For now, I will be brainstorming ways to channel this newfound anger in a healthier way.
But until I can get over, no - get through and above these thoughts and feelings, I know the process isn't over. I know I need to channel this anger and give it its due moment. So here goes.
Right now, I've been thinking I'm not beyond violence at this point. If I ever meet this btch again, I'm not beyond wanting to do some permanent, physical damage. I'm physically tiny compared to most and she is bigger and taller than me, but that deters me not one bit. I deal with dogs bigger than I am, dogs smaller but fiercer, all sorts of dogs and cats that can bite my face and/or limbs off at any point and I'm not afraid of them. Let alone this btch. If she crosses my path again, I'm tearing into flesh and -------- her. Fck bruising her - she'll be missing parts. She can fight me all she wants but I won't be stopping until I know that btch's shit is permanent.
Right now I'm reflecting on these thoughts and my thoughts fork in two directions. One thought went, I'd better carry with me a small knife then. Oh wait, I have one. Another thought went, this is the kinda violence that'll get me arrested. I loathe getting into trouble, but right now I'm thinking she has it coming.
At the same time, I know for as long as I have this anger and this position that she wins. And fck if I let that that btch win anything. One day, and I'm aiming for this day, she will mean nothing to me. I won't care. I won't have this btch have any power over me.
I also know that perhaps my anger is more appropriately directed towards him. But I've already deemed him weak, a boy not a man. He's not worth any more time or effort. I've waited months for anger towards him and nothing.
I don't get angry often and these thoughts and desires somewhat scare me. I look down on violence and view anger as something as destructive as violence. So what the actual fck. But I'm glad for the anger showing up anyway. At least now I know I'm that much closer to progressing to acceptance.
For anyone reading this, I'm sorry for the description of violence. I've edited out truly graphic parts while trying to stay true to the feeling of anger visiting me.
For now, I will be brainstorming ways to channel this newfound anger in a healthier way.
36-40, F
