It’s been a bit since I’ve felt that dip. But it happened today out of the blue and took me hours to recover from it.
I started to notice heart palpitations years ago when I was drinking five cups of coffee and three Red Bulls a day. Wasn’t smart by any means, but worked at repressing my appetite and helping me lose that last bit of 100lbs that ended up being monumental for me.
I paid the price during that chapter though.
The panic attack came that forever rocked my world, and being too aware of my heart rhythm became a new fun thing (🙄) that still exists today.
I can go days…even weeks without being aware of the natural fluctuations that can occur due to age, stress, and hormone factors, but my anxiety will casually peek in with no warning to be like…
“Hey, remember your ticker? It could like stop at any moment. You know that, right?”
I mean, I know it’s not that easy, but it’s a fear my anxiety is aware of ever since my dad passed away from complications of his open-heart surgery after experiencing a “widow maker”. I know everyone is different though. His journey will not be mine. But the scar from that heartbreak is deep. And unhealed. It means I’m an easy target.
And I’ve carried a lot of stress this year. From thinking I wasn’t going to see the end of it, to having to work what I thought was my last day ever, to my first surgery, to being told the cancer had been contained to the tumor that was removed, to resuming the busy life that I was eager to get back to. I never gave myself the proper time and self-therapy to process any of the rollercoaster ride I didn’t buy a ticket for, and unfortunately it’s made me too receptive to the anxiety that rared up to all new heights this year.
So, even though it was a good day, it did have quite a bit of stress within it. And one dip in my heartbeat instantly brought the anxiety tingles and the draining that my body is all too familiar with. My mind and body went straight into defense mode and impeding doom came to the forefront, because it’s still the too familiar path. I was already done with most of what the day called for, but in that moment I was done, done.
It took a bit for me to regain my composure. But at least I’m starting to feel better now as the peace of the evening comes rolling in. My crew is catering to me, which I really don’t like them doing but can’t really scold them for caring, and the stress is beginning to fade away despite my heart still trying to be funky. It’ll be a thing well into the night. There’s a soak in a tub illuminated by candlelight coming soon, and maybe the universe will conjure up a little thunderstorm to lull me into an even deeper state of relaxation.
Either way, one hiccup will not dictate my day as I move forward knowing I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again in the future, each time the impact being felt less as I retrain myself to trust my body again while moving forward one breath at a time…always moving forward 💞
I paid the price during that chapter though.
The panic attack came that forever rocked my world, and being too aware of my heart rhythm became a new fun thing (🙄) that still exists today.
I can go days…even weeks without being aware of the natural fluctuations that can occur due to age, stress, and hormone factors, but my anxiety will casually peek in with no warning to be like…
“Hey, remember your ticker? It could like stop at any moment. You know that, right?”
I mean, I know it’s not that easy, but it’s a fear my anxiety is aware of ever since my dad passed away from complications of his open-heart surgery after experiencing a “widow maker”. I know everyone is different though. His journey will not be mine. But the scar from that heartbreak is deep. And unhealed. It means I’m an easy target.
And I’ve carried a lot of stress this year. From thinking I wasn’t going to see the end of it, to having to work what I thought was my last day ever, to my first surgery, to being told the cancer had been contained to the tumor that was removed, to resuming the busy life that I was eager to get back to. I never gave myself the proper time and self-therapy to process any of the rollercoaster ride I didn’t buy a ticket for, and unfortunately it’s made me too receptive to the anxiety that rared up to all new heights this year.
So, even though it was a good day, it did have quite a bit of stress within it. And one dip in my heartbeat instantly brought the anxiety tingles and the draining that my body is all too familiar with. My mind and body went straight into defense mode and impeding doom came to the forefront, because it’s still the too familiar path. I was already done with most of what the day called for, but in that moment I was done, done.
It took a bit for me to regain my composure. But at least I’m starting to feel better now as the peace of the evening comes rolling in. My crew is catering to me, which I really don’t like them doing but can’t really scold them for caring, and the stress is beginning to fade away despite my heart still trying to be funky. It’ll be a thing well into the night. There’s a soak in a tub illuminated by candlelight coming soon, and maybe the universe will conjure up a little thunderstorm to lull me into an even deeper state of relaxation.
Either way, one hiccup will not dictate my day as I move forward knowing I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again in the future, each time the impact being felt less as I retrain myself to trust my body again while moving forward one breath at a time…always moving forward 💞
46-50, F
