A Rock and A Hard Place
It all started with a job opportunity... In 2020 where people were losing their jobs left and right. I would have been a fool not to accept.
What this company offered me was almost too good to be true; they offered double the salary I was earning at the time, free study opportunities and the ability to get myself settled in a career that can open doors for me - like I said, only a fool wouldn't accept.
Now, nearly six months later, I am in a permanent state of exhaustion. I barely sleep and rarely eat. I have lost so much weight that I am almost on the same weight I was 18 years ago. I have also noted my emotions have become somewhat volatile since this all began. I burst into tears for seemingly no reason and find myself thinking of suicide on a daily basis... It's not that I want to die, I really don't... I just want to rest. If death can offer me the rest I am denied in life, it may be easier to just give in. Then I recognize these thoughts for what they are and feel guilty that my mind even went there.
I do not condone suicide, I have seen first-hand the destruction it can cause and I have no desire for that. I have a happy life - in a good home with a man that loves me and I am content. The only thing missing from this picture is sleep. I feel like I am persistently too tired to enjoy my life or even take active part in it. It feels like it is slipping out of my grasp and I am powerless to resist. Surely there has got to be a better way of going about this?
My job is not the most important part of my life, yet it feels like it is taking away from the more vital parts... the parts I am not willing to sacrifice. I find myself wondering how long I can keep this up. Keep wondering how long it will be until this job has taken away every last thing I care about. Though thinking like this only saddens and exhausts me more. I do not want to lose this job, it truly has been everything they promised it would be and more, but I am also unwilling to sacrifice my love life and my happiness (which are the very things this job jeopardizes).
I feel like I am stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place and I am too exhausted to figure out which way is up. I can keep soldiering on as I always have, but I am terrified of waking up after it all to find myself completely alone.
What this company offered me was almost too good to be true; they offered double the salary I was earning at the time, free study opportunities and the ability to get myself settled in a career that can open doors for me - like I said, only a fool wouldn't accept.
Now, nearly six months later, I am in a permanent state of exhaustion. I barely sleep and rarely eat. I have lost so much weight that I am almost on the same weight I was 18 years ago. I have also noted my emotions have become somewhat volatile since this all began. I burst into tears for seemingly no reason and find myself thinking of suicide on a daily basis... It's not that I want to die, I really don't... I just want to rest. If death can offer me the rest I am denied in life, it may be easier to just give in. Then I recognize these thoughts for what they are and feel guilty that my mind even went there.
I do not condone suicide, I have seen first-hand the destruction it can cause and I have no desire for that. I have a happy life - in a good home with a man that loves me and I am content. The only thing missing from this picture is sleep. I feel like I am persistently too tired to enjoy my life or even take active part in it. It feels like it is slipping out of my grasp and I am powerless to resist. Surely there has got to be a better way of going about this?
My job is not the most important part of my life, yet it feels like it is taking away from the more vital parts... the parts I am not willing to sacrifice. I find myself wondering how long I can keep this up. Keep wondering how long it will be until this job has taken away every last thing I care about. Though thinking like this only saddens and exhausts me more. I do not want to lose this job, it truly has been everything they promised it would be and more, but I am also unwilling to sacrifice my love life and my happiness (which are the very things this job jeopardizes).
I feel like I am stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place and I am too exhausted to figure out which way is up. I can keep soldiering on as I always have, but I am terrified of waking up after it all to find myself completely alone.
