I can't even pretend anymore.

Well your after answering all the questions for yourself " about growing up " .
I don't know about your life growing up but that's what people do if they had a negative growing up life in teenage years .
Trying to better themselves to feel better about themselves . They do this achievement and that achievement to make themselves better and what there afraid of facing hits themselves at some stage in there life no matter if there trying to better themselves with all there achievements ( material stuff - relationships - houses - cars - foreign holidays ) to you get me ,once all of them highs are worn away your back to yourself . You said it empty.
That's a good thing that's after happening you , will I tell you why . It's a spiritual awakening you got and spiritual awakenings don't feel good at the start .
Once you get that and sort out that the achievements that you accomplished they become valuable again to your life but your after learning from the opposite way of thinking to feel good .
That's a good thing that's after happening to you. Your looking at the expert of doing all what you done 😀😀😀. That's how I know 🙂🙂🤗