I lost everything..
I am not fully sure why it took me this long to write about this; I usually write about less serious stuff way sooner, to help move on. I think a part of me thought I already wrote it all down, and the other part just forgot about writing..
But I was going through my stuff here and noticed I hadn’t, so.. I guess am doing it now.
Last year was the worst year of my life by far, nothing else comes close. And I think it’s interesting how things can always get worse, no matter how bad they already are.
It all started with my driving licenses, I had a job 4h a day, Monday to Friday, and owned 290€/month, as an intern- teacher’s assistant. 290€/month isn’t a lot, but “it’s better than nothing”, that’s what I thought when I accepted the job. I was never interested in education as a profession, so doing the hard work no teacher wants to do for my boss was torture to me back then, but.. it had to be done. I spent 90% of my time grading exercises and preparing more for the student, just to grade them all the next day, and of course my boss took all the credits. I remember the first time she asked me to grade exercises; I felt something was wrong, mostly because I asked for the answer to help grade the exercises and her response was “Just look around the internet”. Also because I felt like that’s something only the teacher should do, I had 0 experience grading exercises, and my educational background didn’t prepare me for it. But she said she goes over everything I do, so it will be fine (this was not true), so I kept going, hoping it would only happen a few times. But as I said, I later spent 90% of my time working for her; grading exercises and creating new ones for the next day. During this time I had a lot of free time, I wanted to do something else more than just work and play video games, I couldn’t sign up for a gym cause I was trying to save money, and there weren’t any gyms close by.. so I worked out at home at night before bed, 3 a week, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Just followed a video on youtube P4P, it was a bit hard at first, but I pulled through.
Anyway, my big goal with that job was getting my driving license, with that, I could get better jobs far from my little town. Which was also difficult to do cause my family made me pay an allowance every month for living at home, 50€. So that’s -50€ less of the already low paycheck I had. It came to 240€, and taking out my monthly experiences, I was only able to save 100€ish per month for my driving license. Which in Spain, if you are lucky, the whole thing could be around 2000€, IF you are lucky, cause it could be way more.
But I did it, I saved up enough so I signed up. I burned through the money I had saved really fast, and my contract ended and I had no other way of getting more money. So I had to rush things and take the driving test before I was ready. I took it twice and failed both times, and I had to stop cause I had used up all the money I saved and more, and I “lost” my job. But I knew this was coming, I knew I had a year contract as an intern, and there was no chance I would get a permanent position.. So I signed up for a course right after my contract ended, hoping it would be a great opportunity to help get something else.
My best friend at the time, the closest friend I had in years, wanted to meet up, and talk about everything that was happening, my driving test, losing my job… he wanted to cheer me up. But planning went wrong, and somehow, we just stopped talking after that. So I also lost my best friend, we did everything together, I only went out of the house to study or meet up with him, without him my life was just study and nothing else, anything fun I did back then was with him.
Around this time, I was at the kitchen one day, with my sister and mother, and I think it was my mother who noticed it, she said “What happened to you arm?” I took a look and it was a bit swollen, just a little bit. I told her I hadn’t noticed it before and it will probably go down in a few days, I thought it was because I spent so much time gaming, using the PC mouse, clicking intensely repeatedly for hours, every day.
Anyways, I then did my internship at course I signed up for… I thought I was gonna be working with numbers and excel spreadsheets, the course was called “Logistics in warehouses” when I did the internship, I spent 99% of my time working in the warehouse, no computers, no excel, nothing related to what I expected. So was happy to leave that behind, I kept thinking “This couldn’t get any worse, I lost my best friend, I lost my job, I fail to get my driving license, the job I planed I would have after completing this course is not what I expected..”
I never felt so lonely, I lived a kilometer away from rivers and beaches, and its it middle of summer, yet I had no one to do with. I kept looking for jobs, thinking “At some point my luck will change, just try and be positive” I was offered a few jobs, but there weren’t what I really wanted for myself, so I turned them down.. I felt bad doing, cause I thought “What if never get offered anything better?”
Around this time I could feel the pressure at some going up cause my family desperately wanted me to get a job, they said it was because they needed me to help with the expenses like they all do.
Towards the ending of summer, my little brother who was 9 at the time went back to school and his extracurricular activities, which I used to take him to, cause he was too young to go alone. One day, on our way back from his basketball practice, as he sometimes does, he held my right arm.. as he did, he stopped and took a look at it, then asked “What happened to you here?” referring to the part of my arm that was still swollen… I said nothing happened, and that was that. But several times before my mom had asked me to get it checked out, at this point it’s been almost a year since we noticed it for the first time, I wasn’t worried about it much cause it didn’t hurt, AT ALL, not even a little bit, like I would even notice it unless I look at it in a mirror or something, cause I felt nothing out of the ordinary, that’s why I ignored my mom and sister asking me to check it out… but my 9 year old brother.. he just noticed it for the first time, and he is 9.. “If even a kid notices it, maybe I should take a closer look at it”. So I got a doctor’s appointment, I knew it was no big deal, cause many months back, I casually talked about with my doctor during a general blood test I do once every 6 months, at the time he said to wait for a couple of weeks, because it was still quit recent and to come back if it doesn’t go back down. It didn’t but I didn’t go back and tell him that. This time a different doctor attends me, a female doctor, and she was a bit alarmed by it, she said it looked strange, even stranger that I had it for almost a year and it didn’t go down. She asked if it hurt, I was no, not even once, she called in another female doctor, cause she was unsure as in what to do next. They both looked at it and decided I needed to do a couple of test, which was not was I expected at all.
I didn’t wanna freak out just yet, cause the doctor did say it could be just some liquid that build up there and just needs to be drained out.
Any I came out of that doctor visit with 2 other appointments, one was a blood test and the other was a cat scan. The blood test went first, and I usually do this type of blood test so I wasn’t expecting anything out of the norm, iron deficiency. Next was the cat scan of my arm. I remember feeling a bit nervous, but still confident all this was gonna be something light. During the scan, the radiologist looked confused while taking a look at my arm.. I usually don’t do this, but “That’s a weird look”. He kept looking, as if he was trying to make sure what he was looking at was in fact what he was looking at. I also noticed he took a lot of pictures of the image on the scan. So I asked “Is everything alright?”. While avoiding any eye contact he shocked his head and said “You have a tumor”… and he ordered another, more extensive cat scan a couple of days away.
Honestly, I began to panic a bit inside, but decided to not jump to conclusions yet, it’s only been a couple of test so far… But I felt a bit uneasy inside. Anyway, next day, early in the morning I had I got a call from the hospital, which never was weird. It was the female doctor I saw the first time, she told me to come to the hospital as soon as I can, no appointments, just come and go straight to her office. I thought “That’s definitely not good, these doctors usually have stacked up schedules.. to alter it like this is scary”. So I got up and went over to the hospital, when I arrived, in the room was the female doctor that called me over and my family doctor. They sat me down and said they had news about my arm, they said, based on the imaged from the cat scan they day before, it didn’t look good at all, and but they aren’t sure, so they are made an appointment for me at a specialist far far away to take a better look. They said depending on what it is, we may have to consider chemotherapy.. They said I was in be in good arms, with the best, and they are gonna take good care of me. They gave me some documents to fill out. They told me to fill everything and drop it off at a different hospital. They made sure to not use the C word.. but based on everything they said…chemotherapy.. tumor.. I knew…
I was empty inside while they talked about everything, it was like a movie scene, their voice felt distant, everything else just felt far, as if everything was being pulled away from me. I barely react, almost in shock, while trying to maintain my composure. Afterward, as soon as I stepped out of the hospital, it was just tears, tears, tears and tears, I couldn’t breathe, gasping for air and crying, I would even stand, I had to stop, hands to my knees I cried, I called my sister and explained everything, she just kept saying “No, no, no, no, no” I don’t’ remember much of that conversation. But I went and took the bus to the next hospital where I was told to drop off the documents. I thought about telling people, how could I? Who would I tell? Who should I tell? When? How? Should I keep this to myself unstill I know more? Is what I know now enough to sound the alarms?? What should I do???..
Anyway, one thing had to be done, tell my mom…
Remember dreading the idea of telling her, how could I? How could I tell her I had cancer?
I knew she got out of work around 15:00ish, but I wanted it to be as late as possible cause I really didn't wanna break the bad news to her...
But she came home a bit sooner, and as if it was some sort of waisted joke; I was at the kitchen, doing the dish, right where I was the first time she noticed the arm almost a year ago...
When she came in I told her "Mom I got news" she asked what's the news, I told her it was about the arm, I said I finally went to the doctor, and that tho they aren't sure what it is yet, they said it was a tumor, and sent me to a specialist far away, and said we may have to do chemotherapy to help cure it.... She looked stunned, as if someone hit the "Pause" for a couple of seconds, meanwhile, head down I waited for her to say something
She then said "Chemotherapy??" I answered yes, and asked if she knew what it was, and she said "Isn't that what they give to Cáncer patients?" And I nod. That all I remember from that conversation.
After, I took a better look at the documents I was given, it said something along the line of "Recent discoveries discard the possibility of a benign tumor, based on the images and signals, we suspect it's a sarcoma" which after doing some research I found out was a cancerous tumor. I kept doing some research, looking for something, anything that said sarcomas weren't cancerous, cause maybe the first website was wrong. But each new website I got into said the same thing, countless videos, hours and hours just looking up stuff. I was told not to, "It will only make you feel worse", but I could I not? I barely understood half the words used in the documents I was given, I HAD to look it up. Call me stupid or naive, but honestly, before all this I didn't know cáncer were tumors, I knew they were bad and people died, there isn't a definitive cure yet, and Chemotherapy can sometimes do more harm than good, but... Wasn't fully aware it was a tumor. Unless I would have pain more attention to my arm growing...
Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, everything, couldn't think about anything else. Meanwhile I had more test and test to do. Before all this I maybe went to the hospital a couple of times a year for general check ups... Now I have 3 appointment per week at several hospitals. I didn't wanna be alone but felt like I had no one I could truly hold on to, and even if I did, I didn't wanna drag anyone down, nor did I want people to say this draged me down. So tho I was numb inside, I tried to not show it, but even I could tell I wasn't fooling anyone..
I try not to cry, cause there's still so much to do and figure out, but I had to prepare myself for what ever's to come. How could I do that? Well just to yourself in the worse scenario and figure out a way to be ok with it, and the worse scenario being...death.
So I ask myself, if I was to die today, would I die happy? And the answer was "No" there still so much I want to do, so much I want to feel, good and bad,I had left so much hoping with time everything will come, so much I hadn't even realized I wanted out of life.. until now. I cried, and cried and cried alone in my room. Cause I thought it was so sad, I hadn't noticed how much I wanted to live life until now, how sad was it not to know what you want out of life until you feel like you are losing it...
All of a sudden everything felt important, each sound, each simple thing like the sun, the colors, movies, omg movies, what about all the movies I haven't seen, there are so many, songs, my friends, videogames, playing videogames with my friends, never realized how special it was even when we are screaming at each other through our headphones about the game. And I am about to lose it all.
Funny enough, around this time season 2 if Arcane came out, and with it a song that really explained how I felt back then "The line"I remember crying to much listening to that song.
Then finally we went to the specialist, on our way the things were more or less normal.. as normal as it could be. I went there with my mom and my stepdad, I remember it was a sunny day, and they kept talking the whole way, it took like 2 to 3 hours to get there, and they talked the whole way there. When we finally arrived, we went to see the specialist, he said he took a look at my files, and asked a couple of questions, if I feel any pain, how long I had it, when did I first notice it growing, if I lost any weight... I was always really thin, so I couldn't tell if I lost weight. He kept saying "It's located in a complicated zone" so I asked what he meant by that "Does that mean I might lose sensibility on my arm if you try to take it out?" He answered "No, it means you might lose the whole arm"
It felt like I was being told again I had cancer... Everything felt far away again, and I felt numb... Just this time I couldn't go outside and cry cause if I did my mom will definitely cry too. After we got out we had to drop off some documents at a different location in the hospital. The lady we met afterwards said not to worry, we still dont know what type of tumor it is yet, and I said that I have a document where a medical professional said based on the evidence it looks like cancer, and she answered they are required to say that to be able to send me to the specialist. Still I couldn't be in there any longer, so I asked to get some fresh air... Outside I send a voice mail to a friend who knew I was coming and explained the news, I did this right a way trying to distract myself, cause if I just walked out and did nothing I know I would cry.
On our way back, silence... No words during 3 hours in the car, I could see my mom on the mirror scratching they forehead, I knew she was trying really hard not to cry, less painful things made her cry. Meanwhile, the sun was still out, the birds kept making their noise, life kept on going, while in the car it felt like something died...
On our way back I finally decided to tell my friends, I had kept it to myself so far waiting to make sure. They were shocked and couldn't believe it, and said if I need anything I can always count on them..
As we got home, I went to my room, closed everything untill it was dark as night, buried myself under my blankets and cried myself to sleep. When I finally woke up, my little brother told me mom was crying and I answered "Yea.. I know"
We left the hospital with several appointments, a couple of blood test, a anesthesia test, another cat scan, and a date for a biopsy that will determine the type of tumor, cause some are more aggressive than others, and depending on the type, we decide on chopping the whole thing off or chemotherapy.
I went to every appointment, everything went by fast, before I knew it, it was time for the biopsy, for some reason I felt like it was gonna be ok, no matter what happens, this is just gonna be one more battle in life, and I will come out of it being stronger, and a better person than I already was. Kinder and more empathetic. I remember it was also a sunny day, and just as the first time we went to the specialist, my mom and stepdad talked the whole way there. I just felt hopeful, everything was gonna be ok, one way or another.
Did the biopsy, that went faster than I thought it would actually. I was told we get some knees a couple of days later probably, maybe 3 days. Day one, nothing, day 2 nothing, then finally day 3.. the big news day... And nothing, then a couple of days went by, meanwhile I felt like I was eating myself alive with fear and anxiety. I thought "I AM LITERALLY DYING HERE AND THESE DOCTORS AREN'T HELPING" Then almost a week after the biopsy, I was outside, heading somewhere, I think some doctor appointment. I then got a call and knew right away it was about the biopsy. I picked up and they said they were calling to set an appointment for the results, and the appointment was set a week later. Before the call ended, he said "And oh! The doctor said to let you know he has good news" I was shocked, so I asked "Really??" And he said "Yea, yea, he said he was worried cause he wasn't sure about the results, but it's good news, and he wanted me to let you know that" I kept thanking him and broke down crying in public, crying out of joy, I had to sit down. When I did I called my mom and told her.
A week later we finally visited the specialist again, and the said the tumor isn't cancerous, which was a surprise even to him, as a specialist, cause based on everything else, it looked like cancer. I asked what could have caused it, he said he has no idea, it could be something I had from birth that just got activated. Thinking back, I noticed it started growing right around the time I did my "Workouts" at home, 3 times a week, Monday, Wednesday a d Friday... I did it with no supervision, I often put more pressure on one arm more than the other cause it felt less painful... Could that have been the cause??
Anyway, the doctor said just to make sure, he would like to do another biopsy, more extensive, just to make sure. And he set an appointment for it. This time they are gonna examine a bigger chunk of the tumor.
During all this, I got called in for a couple of interviews, I asked my mom "What should I do? I don't wanna miss any opportunities, especially knowing nothing is set yet, but it might end up badly" and she said to stop searching for jobs untill it's all cleared out.
(Continues on the next post..)
But I was going through my stuff here and noticed I hadn’t, so.. I guess am doing it now.
Last year was the worst year of my life by far, nothing else comes close. And I think it’s interesting how things can always get worse, no matter how bad they already are.
It all started with my driving licenses, I had a job 4h a day, Monday to Friday, and owned 290€/month, as an intern- teacher’s assistant. 290€/month isn’t a lot, but “it’s better than nothing”, that’s what I thought when I accepted the job. I was never interested in education as a profession, so doing the hard work no teacher wants to do for my boss was torture to me back then, but.. it had to be done. I spent 90% of my time grading exercises and preparing more for the student, just to grade them all the next day, and of course my boss took all the credits. I remember the first time she asked me to grade exercises; I felt something was wrong, mostly because I asked for the answer to help grade the exercises and her response was “Just look around the internet”. Also because I felt like that’s something only the teacher should do, I had 0 experience grading exercises, and my educational background didn’t prepare me for it. But she said she goes over everything I do, so it will be fine (this was not true), so I kept going, hoping it would only happen a few times. But as I said, I later spent 90% of my time working for her; grading exercises and creating new ones for the next day. During this time I had a lot of free time, I wanted to do something else more than just work and play video games, I couldn’t sign up for a gym cause I was trying to save money, and there weren’t any gyms close by.. so I worked out at home at night before bed, 3 a week, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Just followed a video on youtube P4P, it was a bit hard at first, but I pulled through.
Anyway, my big goal with that job was getting my driving license, with that, I could get better jobs far from my little town. Which was also difficult to do cause my family made me pay an allowance every month for living at home, 50€. So that’s -50€ less of the already low paycheck I had. It came to 240€, and taking out my monthly experiences, I was only able to save 100€ish per month for my driving license. Which in Spain, if you are lucky, the whole thing could be around 2000€, IF you are lucky, cause it could be way more.
But I did it, I saved up enough so I signed up. I burned through the money I had saved really fast, and my contract ended and I had no other way of getting more money. So I had to rush things and take the driving test before I was ready. I took it twice and failed both times, and I had to stop cause I had used up all the money I saved and more, and I “lost” my job. But I knew this was coming, I knew I had a year contract as an intern, and there was no chance I would get a permanent position.. So I signed up for a course right after my contract ended, hoping it would be a great opportunity to help get something else.
My best friend at the time, the closest friend I had in years, wanted to meet up, and talk about everything that was happening, my driving test, losing my job… he wanted to cheer me up. But planning went wrong, and somehow, we just stopped talking after that. So I also lost my best friend, we did everything together, I only went out of the house to study or meet up with him, without him my life was just study and nothing else, anything fun I did back then was with him.
Around this time, I was at the kitchen one day, with my sister and mother, and I think it was my mother who noticed it, she said “What happened to you arm?” I took a look and it was a bit swollen, just a little bit. I told her I hadn’t noticed it before and it will probably go down in a few days, I thought it was because I spent so much time gaming, using the PC mouse, clicking intensely repeatedly for hours, every day.
Anyways, I then did my internship at course I signed up for… I thought I was gonna be working with numbers and excel spreadsheets, the course was called “Logistics in warehouses” when I did the internship, I spent 99% of my time working in the warehouse, no computers, no excel, nothing related to what I expected. So was happy to leave that behind, I kept thinking “This couldn’t get any worse, I lost my best friend, I lost my job, I fail to get my driving license, the job I planed I would have after completing this course is not what I expected..”
I never felt so lonely, I lived a kilometer away from rivers and beaches, and its it middle of summer, yet I had no one to do with. I kept looking for jobs, thinking “At some point my luck will change, just try and be positive” I was offered a few jobs, but there weren’t what I really wanted for myself, so I turned them down.. I felt bad doing, cause I thought “What if never get offered anything better?”
Around this time I could feel the pressure at some going up cause my family desperately wanted me to get a job, they said it was because they needed me to help with the expenses like they all do.
Towards the ending of summer, my little brother who was 9 at the time went back to school and his extracurricular activities, which I used to take him to, cause he was too young to go alone. One day, on our way back from his basketball practice, as he sometimes does, he held my right arm.. as he did, he stopped and took a look at it, then asked “What happened to you here?” referring to the part of my arm that was still swollen… I said nothing happened, and that was that. But several times before my mom had asked me to get it checked out, at this point it’s been almost a year since we noticed it for the first time, I wasn’t worried about it much cause it didn’t hurt, AT ALL, not even a little bit, like I would even notice it unless I look at it in a mirror or something, cause I felt nothing out of the ordinary, that’s why I ignored my mom and sister asking me to check it out… but my 9 year old brother.. he just noticed it for the first time, and he is 9.. “If even a kid notices it, maybe I should take a closer look at it”. So I got a doctor’s appointment, I knew it was no big deal, cause many months back, I casually talked about with my doctor during a general blood test I do once every 6 months, at the time he said to wait for a couple of weeks, because it was still quit recent and to come back if it doesn’t go back down. It didn’t but I didn’t go back and tell him that. This time a different doctor attends me, a female doctor, and she was a bit alarmed by it, she said it looked strange, even stranger that I had it for almost a year and it didn’t go down. She asked if it hurt, I was no, not even once, she called in another female doctor, cause she was unsure as in what to do next. They both looked at it and decided I needed to do a couple of test, which was not was I expected at all.
I didn’t wanna freak out just yet, cause the doctor did say it could be just some liquid that build up there and just needs to be drained out.
Any I came out of that doctor visit with 2 other appointments, one was a blood test and the other was a cat scan. The blood test went first, and I usually do this type of blood test so I wasn’t expecting anything out of the norm, iron deficiency. Next was the cat scan of my arm. I remember feeling a bit nervous, but still confident all this was gonna be something light. During the scan, the radiologist looked confused while taking a look at my arm.. I usually don’t do this, but “That’s a weird look”. He kept looking, as if he was trying to make sure what he was looking at was in fact what he was looking at. I also noticed he took a lot of pictures of the image on the scan. So I asked “Is everything alright?”. While avoiding any eye contact he shocked his head and said “You have a tumor”… and he ordered another, more extensive cat scan a couple of days away.
Honestly, I began to panic a bit inside, but decided to not jump to conclusions yet, it’s only been a couple of test so far… But I felt a bit uneasy inside. Anyway, next day, early in the morning I had I got a call from the hospital, which never was weird. It was the female doctor I saw the first time, she told me to come to the hospital as soon as I can, no appointments, just come and go straight to her office. I thought “That’s definitely not good, these doctors usually have stacked up schedules.. to alter it like this is scary”. So I got up and went over to the hospital, when I arrived, in the room was the female doctor that called me over and my family doctor. They sat me down and said they had news about my arm, they said, based on the imaged from the cat scan they day before, it didn’t look good at all, and but they aren’t sure, so they are made an appointment for me at a specialist far far away to take a better look. They said depending on what it is, we may have to consider chemotherapy.. They said I was in be in good arms, with the best, and they are gonna take good care of me. They gave me some documents to fill out. They told me to fill everything and drop it off at a different hospital. They made sure to not use the C word.. but based on everything they said…chemotherapy.. tumor.. I knew…
I was empty inside while they talked about everything, it was like a movie scene, their voice felt distant, everything else just felt far, as if everything was being pulled away from me. I barely react, almost in shock, while trying to maintain my composure. Afterward, as soon as I stepped out of the hospital, it was just tears, tears, tears and tears, I couldn’t breathe, gasping for air and crying, I would even stand, I had to stop, hands to my knees I cried, I called my sister and explained everything, she just kept saying “No, no, no, no, no” I don’t’ remember much of that conversation. But I went and took the bus to the next hospital where I was told to drop off the documents. I thought about telling people, how could I? Who would I tell? Who should I tell? When? How? Should I keep this to myself unstill I know more? Is what I know now enough to sound the alarms?? What should I do???..
Anyway, one thing had to be done, tell my mom…
Remember dreading the idea of telling her, how could I? How could I tell her I had cancer?
I knew she got out of work around 15:00ish, but I wanted it to be as late as possible cause I really didn't wanna break the bad news to her...
But she came home a bit sooner, and as if it was some sort of waisted joke; I was at the kitchen, doing the dish, right where I was the first time she noticed the arm almost a year ago...
When she came in I told her "Mom I got news" she asked what's the news, I told her it was about the arm, I said I finally went to the doctor, and that tho they aren't sure what it is yet, they said it was a tumor, and sent me to a specialist far away, and said we may have to do chemotherapy to help cure it.... She looked stunned, as if someone hit the "Pause" for a couple of seconds, meanwhile, head down I waited for her to say something
She then said "Chemotherapy??" I answered yes, and asked if she knew what it was, and she said "Isn't that what they give to Cáncer patients?" And I nod. That all I remember from that conversation.
After, I took a better look at the documents I was given, it said something along the line of "Recent discoveries discard the possibility of a benign tumor, based on the images and signals, we suspect it's a sarcoma" which after doing some research I found out was a cancerous tumor. I kept doing some research, looking for something, anything that said sarcomas weren't cancerous, cause maybe the first website was wrong. But each new website I got into said the same thing, countless videos, hours and hours just looking up stuff. I was told not to, "It will only make you feel worse", but I could I not? I barely understood half the words used in the documents I was given, I HAD to look it up. Call me stupid or naive, but honestly, before all this I didn't know cáncer were tumors, I knew they were bad and people died, there isn't a definitive cure yet, and Chemotherapy can sometimes do more harm than good, but... Wasn't fully aware it was a tumor. Unless I would have pain more attention to my arm growing...
Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, everything, couldn't think about anything else. Meanwhile I had more test and test to do. Before all this I maybe went to the hospital a couple of times a year for general check ups... Now I have 3 appointment per week at several hospitals. I didn't wanna be alone but felt like I had no one I could truly hold on to, and even if I did, I didn't wanna drag anyone down, nor did I want people to say this draged me down. So tho I was numb inside, I tried to not show it, but even I could tell I wasn't fooling anyone..
I try not to cry, cause there's still so much to do and figure out, but I had to prepare myself for what ever's to come. How could I do that? Well just to yourself in the worse scenario and figure out a way to be ok with it, and the worse scenario being...death.
So I ask myself, if I was to die today, would I die happy? And the answer was "No" there still so much I want to do, so much I want to feel, good and bad,I had left so much hoping with time everything will come, so much I hadn't even realized I wanted out of life.. until now. I cried, and cried and cried alone in my room. Cause I thought it was so sad, I hadn't noticed how much I wanted to live life until now, how sad was it not to know what you want out of life until you feel like you are losing it...
All of a sudden everything felt important, each sound, each simple thing like the sun, the colors, movies, omg movies, what about all the movies I haven't seen, there are so many, songs, my friends, videogames, playing videogames with my friends, never realized how special it was even when we are screaming at each other through our headphones about the game. And I am about to lose it all.
Funny enough, around this time season 2 if Arcane came out, and with it a song that really explained how I felt back then "The line"I remember crying to much listening to that song.
Then finally we went to the specialist, on our way the things were more or less normal.. as normal as it could be. I went there with my mom and my stepdad, I remember it was a sunny day, and they kept talking the whole way, it took like 2 to 3 hours to get there, and they talked the whole way there. When we finally arrived, we went to see the specialist, he said he took a look at my files, and asked a couple of questions, if I feel any pain, how long I had it, when did I first notice it growing, if I lost any weight... I was always really thin, so I couldn't tell if I lost weight. He kept saying "It's located in a complicated zone" so I asked what he meant by that "Does that mean I might lose sensibility on my arm if you try to take it out?" He answered "No, it means you might lose the whole arm"
It felt like I was being told again I had cancer... Everything felt far away again, and I felt numb... Just this time I couldn't go outside and cry cause if I did my mom will definitely cry too. After we got out we had to drop off some documents at a different location in the hospital. The lady we met afterwards said not to worry, we still dont know what type of tumor it is yet, and I said that I have a document where a medical professional said based on the evidence it looks like cancer, and she answered they are required to say that to be able to send me to the specialist. Still I couldn't be in there any longer, so I asked to get some fresh air... Outside I send a voice mail to a friend who knew I was coming and explained the news, I did this right a way trying to distract myself, cause if I just walked out and did nothing I know I would cry.
On our way back, silence... No words during 3 hours in the car, I could see my mom on the mirror scratching they forehead, I knew she was trying really hard not to cry, less painful things made her cry. Meanwhile, the sun was still out, the birds kept making their noise, life kept on going, while in the car it felt like something died...
On our way back I finally decided to tell my friends, I had kept it to myself so far waiting to make sure. They were shocked and couldn't believe it, and said if I need anything I can always count on them..
As we got home, I went to my room, closed everything untill it was dark as night, buried myself under my blankets and cried myself to sleep. When I finally woke up, my little brother told me mom was crying and I answered "Yea.. I know"
We left the hospital with several appointments, a couple of blood test, a anesthesia test, another cat scan, and a date for a biopsy that will determine the type of tumor, cause some are more aggressive than others, and depending on the type, we decide on chopping the whole thing off or chemotherapy.
I went to every appointment, everything went by fast, before I knew it, it was time for the biopsy, for some reason I felt like it was gonna be ok, no matter what happens, this is just gonna be one more battle in life, and I will come out of it being stronger, and a better person than I already was. Kinder and more empathetic. I remember it was also a sunny day, and just as the first time we went to the specialist, my mom and stepdad talked the whole way there. I just felt hopeful, everything was gonna be ok, one way or another.
Did the biopsy, that went faster than I thought it would actually. I was told we get some knees a couple of days later probably, maybe 3 days. Day one, nothing, day 2 nothing, then finally day 3.. the big news day... And nothing, then a couple of days went by, meanwhile I felt like I was eating myself alive with fear and anxiety. I thought "I AM LITERALLY DYING HERE AND THESE DOCTORS AREN'T HELPING" Then almost a week after the biopsy, I was outside, heading somewhere, I think some doctor appointment. I then got a call and knew right away it was about the biopsy. I picked up and they said they were calling to set an appointment for the results, and the appointment was set a week later. Before the call ended, he said "And oh! The doctor said to let you know he has good news" I was shocked, so I asked "Really??" And he said "Yea, yea, he said he was worried cause he wasn't sure about the results, but it's good news, and he wanted me to let you know that" I kept thanking him and broke down crying in public, crying out of joy, I had to sit down. When I did I called my mom and told her.
A week later we finally visited the specialist again, and the said the tumor isn't cancerous, which was a surprise even to him, as a specialist, cause based on everything else, it looked like cancer. I asked what could have caused it, he said he has no idea, it could be something I had from birth that just got activated. Thinking back, I noticed it started growing right around the time I did my "Workouts" at home, 3 times a week, Monday, Wednesday a d Friday... I did it with no supervision, I often put more pressure on one arm more than the other cause it felt less painful... Could that have been the cause??
Anyway, the doctor said just to make sure, he would like to do another biopsy, more extensive, just to make sure. And he set an appointment for it. This time they are gonna examine a bigger chunk of the tumor.
During all this, I got called in for a couple of interviews, I asked my mom "What should I do? I don't wanna miss any opportunities, especially knowing nothing is set yet, but it might end up badly" and she said to stop searching for jobs untill it's all cleared out.
(Continues on the next post..)
