Almost 6 months since the last time I online here. Nothing's changed and yet still a problematic frog.

@RedGrizzly its gonna be a long story, youll be bored.

@iamrainfrog We all have a story. I got time and I love to read. Hit me. 🫂

@RedGrizzly With your confidence I think I lost already haha. In summary, its all about the trauma, grief and toxic people.

@iamrainfrog I got those too, you know? I posted up my story a while back, and I gotta deal with PTSD since all those things happened. It sucks big time, and I've had moments similar to yours where maybe it is better off to die. But you know what? I found I didn't want to die, and I don't think you do either. There are things here on Earth you'd would rather do or work towards. So much to explore, and that you'd probably would rather live than die. It's the suffering. We both wish it would stop. But dying isn't gonna stop that suffering, instead it's going to pass on to someone else. Graves/funerals ain't cheap so there's that financial burden, and then the emotional toil someone else is going to experience when they find you. That's traumatic.

So instead, let's live! And not just exist, but discover the things that have intrinsic value to you just like you have intrinsic value! You know? This world sucks. It's imperfect, things happen because people have free will, and they don't exercise good judgement and end up hurting someone very badly. But just as easy as it is to scar someone, it can be the opposite becoming a reason to stop someone from being consumed by their pain by caring enough to help carry their load. 🤍 So, I can definitely empathize with you because I've gone through it too, but if you need to vent to someone I'm here also.

@RedGrizzly I didn’t expect such a heartfelt message, honestly. I really appreciate it. It’s rare to find someone who understands and still encourages others to keep going. Thank you for being kind. I also appreciate that you shared these things — I know it’s not easy to open up about something like that. And I’m really glad that you’re done with those and found your happiness rather than just surviving.

@iamrainfrog I would hate to not have done something to help you, when I know how much pain you're in. I want to be sure you don't do anything tragic because it's hard to have hope when you're in that funk. It's hard to keep going and harder to be convinced that things can change. But what worked for me was thinking it through, "If I really wanted to die, nothing would matter because I'm not long for the world anyway. Why would I care about these things? But if I wanted to live, then of course, I would be pained from these happenings with people and situations. Otherwise, I'm going to die soon so why would I give it an inkling of my time and care?" And that was able to help me move past the feelings. I hurt because I am alive, not dead inside. You know, I didn't necessarily find happiness with people or my own circumstances (I'm still paying for the consequences of being manipulated by a sadistic liar). The suffering allowed me to find joy and gratitude in the little things, and learn to focus on the present. What do I need right now? Do I need to rest? Then I'm gonna focus on being kinder than hard on myself. What can I do to be joyful? Show love to others by being kind? Maybe complimenting them? You know, you set the pace! You shape your thoughts, not your thoughts shaping you. And when you do that, surprisingly enough, overtime your feelings will follow your lead. This is establishing your heart and mind, and it has absolutely helped me on a daily basis. Now I know PTSD makes that significantly harder, I've literally made a sandwich while being in a full on episode and feeling so angry and hurt. I kinda laugh at it now, because the dissonance between the mind and body is pretty extreme. Trauma gets stored up in your muscle memory, you could be not thinking of anything at all or making a sandwich but your body is screaming at you. Fight or flight. But from what I've read, movement helps with this and I think regular exercise is the idea behind it...which makes sense because if you burn off all that energy, you'd be too tired to get amped up. Tbh, I have no idea because I've not kept a consistent schedule, but I do know when I do work out it helps a shit ton with my mood. I'm actually happier, which der endorphins but it's better than feeling like a zombie. Haha, so anyway, I know that was a long read but those are the tips I have for you. I'm sorry you're having to go through these traumatic things at such a young age, but you're gonna make it. I promise you that.

@RedGrizzly I honestly don’t even know how to reply to that... it’s a lot, and it hit me harder than I expected. I appreciate your effort btw. What you said about hurting because you’re alive, not dead inside—that really stuck with me. I never thought of it that way. I guess sometimes I hate feeling everything so deeply, but maybe that means there’s still something left in me that wants to keep going, even when I say I don’t.

When you talked about PTSD and how your body reacts even when your mind doesn’t—yeah, that part hit too. It’s weird how pain can live in you like that. I get what you mean about movement helping, but some days it just feels easier to stay still and let it all sit, even if it hurts.

I’m not gonna lie, I still feel lost most of the time. But reading what you shared made me stop for a bit and think—maybe I’m not completely broken yet. So… thank you for sharing that, really. I don’t know if I’ll ever figure things out soon, but your words made me feel a bit less alone tonight.

@iamrainfrog Right? I know that was a long read. But it makes me happy to hear that it helped. There's no pressure in having to figure everything out now, I'm older than you and still feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly. But truth is, we're going to get where we need to be and do what it is that fulfills us. Just gotta explore, keep living life and see what sticks. But absolutely, everyone's different. If sitting still helps when you're in that rut, by all means, there's definitely moments where being still is necessary to move forward. As for myself, if I stay still and don't release that energy it's a lot more likely I'm gonna end up accidentally hurting myself by punching the hell out of something or whatever it is... because shock helps get out of those episodes. I'll use cold water and pain stimulation (I recommend something like "little ouchies". They're for people to squeeze and it has these ridges or "spikes" that poke against your palm). But you may have a different method, which if it works and it's safe then go for it! It seriously makes me glad to know that you don't feel alone in this anymore.You're pain is going to be redefined, as you're building resilience! It sucks to feel it, but ultimately it does keep your humility than someone who's not experienced what it's like. You'll start finding gratitude for things as much as you're able to see the negatives. Example, I remember what it was like when I was a slave like yesterday. I had to be tracked constantly, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere except for work, I wasn't allowed to keep the fruits of my labor either, had to live like I was walking on eggshells, ECT....and someone who's not experienced that may not truly appreciate or really take for granted the freedoms/people/things they have. I have a deep appreciation in being able to walk outside and bask in sunlight. Like it's simple, nobody really thinks about that, but when you haven't seen the sky for at least a week...omg.
But anyway, I'm sorry for the long read again. Lol Honestly, if you have any questions or need someone to lean on, you can dm me and keep in touch. I don't min it at all. 🫂🤍

@iamrainfrog You're not broken, my dear. You're wounded - and wounds heal. 🫂