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I'm tired of all of this

Every time when I fall I feel like I'm gaslighting myself to stand up and pretend that everything is okay. No, it never was. And I've only recently realised how pathetic I am. I feel so lost. I haven't achieved anything. I'm good at nothing. I'm not pretty (I'd use another word), I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a job, I have only like 1-2 friends but we're not close and I know I'm replaceable. I'm an introvert and I'm a bad person. I literally have no reason to wake up except to do what I've been told, to live just because I was born.
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ViciDraco · 41-45, M
I would like to introduce you to the concept of Benevolent Nihilism. Ultimately, nothing really matters. But because of that, we can define our own metrics of what success and failure are. We can determine what matters to us. Break away from thinking about all of the things you do not have. Where you are at right now? That is alright. We can take a breath. No need to panic. Life is a journey.

From here, think about what matters to you. Not what the world tries to tell you matters to you. What actually matters? Narrow the expectations upon yourself so you can focus more. There is no rush. Only the time you set for yourself. Life is a journey, there will likely be detours and road construction and getting lost on the way. But that is alright.

Our society has reached a point of demanding instant gratification in everything, including success and life results. And that is causing massive amounts of mental health problems when we can't meet those expectations of instant success. Instant success sounds good, but we have to let go of it.

I'm open if you wish to discuss more. I hope the days ahead are more fortunate than the ones you have just been through.
cyandrug · 18-21, FNew
@ViciDraco wow, thank you, you're onto something
ViciDraco · 41-45, M
@cyandrug It's not always easy to follow. But I find I'm able to sometimes consciously calm myself down by reflecting this way. So many people strive to find meaning in the world to apply to their existence. For some religion helps. For some they try to bury themselves in success to not think about it.

But there is a peace and a freedom to embracing meaninglessness for those of us those others things cannot bring relief. Nihilism doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can become the framework through which we define our own meaning.

Just be careful to not get sucked into complete apathy. It's not about not caring about anything. It's about being free to exist and fail and strive by your own standards.