AA just isn’t for me
I can appreciate most of what Alcoholics Anonymous does but I dislike the constant self deprecation.
I understand that the alcoholism itself is selfish but when there’s never any talk about what led someone to drink in the first place, it just feels like something is missing.
I’m aware that people become alcoholics even when all is well in life but that just doesn’t resonate with me.
I didn’t progressively become an alcoholic.
I was hooked from day 1. The moment that first beer started working, it was like I had discovered relief. I was suddenly able to be myself. The constant fear while sober was gone. The unwarranted fear was gone.
I wasn’t just some guy who casually drank beer on the weekends and then became an alcoholic.
They say alcoholism leads to anxiety and then anxiety leads to alcohol again, just going back and forth but the starting point was different for me.
I already had ridiculous levels of anxiety prior to that very first drink. My first drink was like discovering a cure, not necessarily a party.
It was my cure to being able to leave the house and feel the sun on my skin. It was my cure to being able to let people look into my eyes and talk to them.
See it’s easy for me to stop drinking and it’s easy for me to stay sober when I know I won’t feel that fear.
My trigger was when people would try to socialize with me.
AA just feels like a self villainizing ritual sometimes. I don’t need that, I’ve been doing it all my life even before that first drink.
I’m aware that I have to address the alcoholism issue but I also have to address the trauma too. Alcoholism was merely surface level, the 12 steps is merely surface level.
I don’t care about the Dopamine rush from 0-100, my rush was from -50 to 0. I just wanted to feel normal like a sober person.
With all that being said, I do intend to payback those who I’ve hurt through the years. It’ll be my own way. I don’t need an AA sponsor. I just need healthy relationships. And those people have been there all along. I was just too lost to see it.
Now that I’m not ashamed to be human, it’s never been easier to make the right decisions. There is no strong urge to drink.
I understand that the alcoholism itself is selfish but when there’s never any talk about what led someone to drink in the first place, it just feels like something is missing.
I’m aware that people become alcoholics even when all is well in life but that just doesn’t resonate with me.
I didn’t progressively become an alcoholic.
I was hooked from day 1. The moment that first beer started working, it was like I had discovered relief. I was suddenly able to be myself. The constant fear while sober was gone. The unwarranted fear was gone.
I wasn’t just some guy who casually drank beer on the weekends and then became an alcoholic.
They say alcoholism leads to anxiety and then anxiety leads to alcohol again, just going back and forth but the starting point was different for me.
I already had ridiculous levels of anxiety prior to that very first drink. My first drink was like discovering a cure, not necessarily a party.
It was my cure to being able to leave the house and feel the sun on my skin. It was my cure to being able to let people look into my eyes and talk to them.
See it’s easy for me to stop drinking and it’s easy for me to stay sober when I know I won’t feel that fear.
My trigger was when people would try to socialize with me.
AA just feels like a self villainizing ritual sometimes. I don’t need that, I’ve been doing it all my life even before that first drink.
I’m aware that I have to address the alcoholism issue but I also have to address the trauma too. Alcoholism was merely surface level, the 12 steps is merely surface level.
I don’t care about the Dopamine rush from 0-100, my rush was from -50 to 0. I just wanted to feel normal like a sober person.
With all that being said, I do intend to payback those who I’ve hurt through the years. It’ll be my own way. I don’t need an AA sponsor. I just need healthy relationships. And those people have been there all along. I was just too lost to see it.
Now that I’m not ashamed to be human, it’s never been easier to make the right decisions. There is no strong urge to drink.
26-30, M
