I have a lot of trust issues which affects my ability to maintain lasting relationships
Most of my childhood was full of people who would initially interact nicely, but then turn against me. I wasn’t a very popular kid in school, many people thought I was just too skinny and too smart and weird, and they enjoyed ridiculing me for it endlessly. Many kids would begin interacting nicely, but then quickly follow the other kids’ leads and start teasing and ridiculing me as well. Some of it led to physical bullying in middle school and high school, and with others it was just constant teasing and name calling and outcasting. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, some of those kids were going through trauma at home of their own and taking it out this way in school and around me. But it led me to trust nobody, and mostly shut down from trying to connect with my peers.
My mom told me to stand up for myself and was sometimes ashamed at me when I didn’t, but I was so skinny compared to some of these other kids, I was afraid to stand up for myself all throughout school.
I was happy to go to college 300 miles from home, and just leave and reinvent myself. My freshman year was still a very introverted year for me. It wasn’t until I started a summer internship at Disney World the summer after my freshman year that I started coming out of my shell. I also worked out a lot, and started growing into my frame finally, gaining weight and muscle. But as I came out of my shell, I remember the distinctive feeling I had much of the time: anger. I was exposed to a lot of rich frat and sorority types in the Disney program, some who also tried to treat me as an outcast, but I was coming out of my shell now, and the memories of what I went through in school prior were still fresh. And I became unafraid to speak my mind, and tell some of these people off. I got outcasted somewhat again but for a different reason: people were unsure about being around me now. They stopped trying to tease me, but some also started distancing themselves from me. I experienced some loneliness again but for totally different reasons now. People didn’t like that I wasn’t some rich frat boy in “their” world, and that I refused to accept it as a world only for “them” and not for me too. They didn’t understand how a thing like me could exist in their world.
I remember some of the feelings I had back then, which may be a bit disturbing to think about now. I’d sometimes intentionally think of something that would make me angry, and just keep that thought in my head, making me more angry. I didn’t understand the toxicity of doing this at the time, I had so much anger bottled up. I hated my stuck up frat boy roommates, and the stuck up sorority girls from the apartment across the hall who they always hung around down there. I hated other stuck up people I encountered. I had a small clique of friends I hung around, but a lot of the time I was by myself. I left there at the end of the summer happy to leave, while others had made life long connections, I had opened up a box of anger. And it lasted for years and years.
I’m sometimes still angry. Sometimes still perceiving people as trying to take advantage of me. I have definitely had people in my adult life try to do it, and had to cut them out. Platonic friends, and romantic relationships. I keep my friends circle very very very small.
I’ve fairly recently turned to Adlerian psychology and more stoic practices to help ground me. And help me realize that I am in control of my own thoughts and feelings and reactions. And of taking charge of my own mental health.
My mom told me to stand up for myself and was sometimes ashamed at me when I didn’t, but I was so skinny compared to some of these other kids, I was afraid to stand up for myself all throughout school.
I was happy to go to college 300 miles from home, and just leave and reinvent myself. My freshman year was still a very introverted year for me. It wasn’t until I started a summer internship at Disney World the summer after my freshman year that I started coming out of my shell. I also worked out a lot, and started growing into my frame finally, gaining weight and muscle. But as I came out of my shell, I remember the distinctive feeling I had much of the time: anger. I was exposed to a lot of rich frat and sorority types in the Disney program, some who also tried to treat me as an outcast, but I was coming out of my shell now, and the memories of what I went through in school prior were still fresh. And I became unafraid to speak my mind, and tell some of these people off. I got outcasted somewhat again but for a different reason: people were unsure about being around me now. They stopped trying to tease me, but some also started distancing themselves from me. I experienced some loneliness again but for totally different reasons now. People didn’t like that I wasn’t some rich frat boy in “their” world, and that I refused to accept it as a world only for “them” and not for me too. They didn’t understand how a thing like me could exist in their world.
I remember some of the feelings I had back then, which may be a bit disturbing to think about now. I’d sometimes intentionally think of something that would make me angry, and just keep that thought in my head, making me more angry. I didn’t understand the toxicity of doing this at the time, I had so much anger bottled up. I hated my stuck up frat boy roommates, and the stuck up sorority girls from the apartment across the hall who they always hung around down there. I hated other stuck up people I encountered. I had a small clique of friends I hung around, but a lot of the time I was by myself. I left there at the end of the summer happy to leave, while others had made life long connections, I had opened up a box of anger. And it lasted for years and years.
I’m sometimes still angry. Sometimes still perceiving people as trying to take advantage of me. I have definitely had people in my adult life try to do it, and had to cut them out. Platonic friends, and romantic relationships. I keep my friends circle very very very small.
I’ve fairly recently turned to Adlerian psychology and more stoic practices to help ground me. And help me realize that I am in control of my own thoughts and feelings and reactions. And of taking charge of my own mental health.
