I want to be like other people
Like any other people, i have varieties of problems that i can't seem to understand.
i feel like a freak, especially when i'm around people who are considered influental or 'respected' by other students, those type of people who gets amazing grades.
I'm somewhere in the middle i guess, my grades aren't amazing as in A+, sometimes A, B, or C. I have this problem where i care about other peoples opinions about me.
Everytime school break ends, i'd always tell myself "i'm going to change my identity, i have to have tons of friendd, i have to be liked by others" Of course i was joking, but part of me was being serious about changing my identity.
When i mean by changing my identity, i meant by being a whole different person, slimmer, prettier, more 'graceful' more soft spoken. Because when i was in 6th grade, i was considered fat, loud, disgusting, vulgar speech, i'd spend my time drawing during recess, even during class (it worsened my grades) i was the most disliked person in my school, so i wanted to change myself.
Don't get me wrong, it helped me become a better person, i speak less vulgar now, i'm more outgoing and take care of my physical appearance more (even though i tend to become obsessive over it)
But at the end, i'd always have one of those moments where i just snapped, when i accidentally cried or yelled at something. It would always make me feel guilty and beat myself up for it. i was so upset at myself, i made these perfect images of myself and ended up ruining it.
Time went by and i would get these impulsive thoughts to cut myself, i didn't do it, never. But i would get these images of cuts on my arms, or thighs or my upper arm so nobody could see it, i was too scared to do it, so i coped with using red markers and scribbled all over my arms and thighs.
At this point, this vent isn't going anywhere, it's becoming messy and i don't know if i would continue this, i just want to express how i feel in my environment
i feel like a freak, especially when i'm around people who are considered influental or 'respected' by other students, those type of people who gets amazing grades.
I'm somewhere in the middle i guess, my grades aren't amazing as in A+, sometimes A, B, or C. I have this problem where i care about other peoples opinions about me.
Everytime school break ends, i'd always tell myself "i'm going to change my identity, i have to have tons of friendd, i have to be liked by others" Of course i was joking, but part of me was being serious about changing my identity.
When i mean by changing my identity, i meant by being a whole different person, slimmer, prettier, more 'graceful' more soft spoken. Because when i was in 6th grade, i was considered fat, loud, disgusting, vulgar speech, i'd spend my time drawing during recess, even during class (it worsened my grades) i was the most disliked person in my school, so i wanted to change myself.
Don't get me wrong, it helped me become a better person, i speak less vulgar now, i'm more outgoing and take care of my physical appearance more (even though i tend to become obsessive over it)
But at the end, i'd always have one of those moments where i just snapped, when i accidentally cried or yelled at something. It would always make me feel guilty and beat myself up for it. i was so upset at myself, i made these perfect images of myself and ended up ruining it.
Time went by and i would get these impulsive thoughts to cut myself, i didn't do it, never. But i would get these images of cuts on my arms, or thighs or my upper arm so nobody could see it, i was too scared to do it, so i coped with using red markers and scribbled all over my arms and thighs.
At this point, this vent isn't going anywhere, it's becoming messy and i don't know if i would continue this, i just want to express how i feel in my environment
