By any means, I pray not to face these people again
Growing up in a small town and being around the same people for the whole nineteen years of my life made me feel like I am living in a bubble. I graduated high school, I got my diploma and I'm going to college in October. I'm leaving this town behind, but so are my classmates. I had bad experiences with some of them, others didn't even know I existed, and some hated me from afar. I've had some real existential crisis during school, some of them I even wrote about on here, and I thought graduating will finally bring my suffering to an end.
During the ceremony, while other graduates cried and hugged their friends goodbye, I sat there empty minded as if all my thoughts had vanished. I wasn't sad or happy. I felt tired.
An hour before the whole ceremony my whole class met to prepare for the event. They needed help fixing their robes and caps, so I was the one who helped all of them. I took that as my last act of trying to be seen and accepted, so I helped them first and took care of myself last, as I always seem to do.
At first I felt proud that I could help, but it was what I've always done anyways. It was nothing new.
After the ceremony I didn't feel like graduation was some big achievement. It didn't feel like the most important day of my life. I just felt tired.
I went home and placed my cap on a shelf for everyone to see. It looked nice, but it reminded me of all those years I've been ignored or judged and bullied. I think I just felt disrespected all the time, people treated me like I was either dumber than them or younger than them or both at the same time. Just because I didn't smoke, drink or went to parties and didn't know as many people as them gave my classmates some feeling of superiority that was so obvious to me. I can't believe being a "good kid" made others look at me and feel like I was less than them. I'll never understand their mindset, but I graduated now so who cares? I'll never see them again.
In all my four years of high school I had only one consistent friendship. My friend and I shared a desk in class and we'd chat and laugh with each other during breaks. I think my dream used to be for us two to continue our friendship in college too, but now I doubt it's gonna come true. Frankly, I don't think I wanna see her again either. She had relationship problems that I wouldn't hear the end of, and when something significant happened in her life she wouldn't tell me until much later.
My bully had a huge crush on her, and it broke my heart that in 10th grade she agreed to "test" going out with him under the pretense that they don't know each other that well. I couldn't imagine a world where some dude made my friend feel less than human but I accept to go out with him, and kiss his filthy mouth that dared to spew horrible words to my already depressed friend. I was so disappointed in her, and I think she betrayed me by giving him the time of day. Back then she didn't really wanna be with him, but nowadays, after graduation, she suddenly tells me that he makes her happy. She's never felt this happy ever before in her life, and he's the source for it all. She said, and I quote "I don't expect you to understand, but at this point nothing can change my mind about him. I like the way things are right now."
To me, that guy is a criminal. I was walking on eggshells around him all this time so that I won't get verbally abused. I cried myself to sleep every single night. I really suffered because of this guy and she knows it. She says the relationship can't last long because he doesn't want to go to college, but she'll enjoy the present. I couldn't take her happiness away. I couldn't tell her how heartbroken I felt when I realized that my experience didn't affect her at all, and she feels nothing about it. It's not like she tried to defend me back then or something, but I excused that thinking she was scared too. I went through it all alone, counting my days at 16 years old while she was drawing hearts around his name and texting him goodnight. I was crying quietly, rocking myself to sleep and wondering what did I ever do to upset my bully. So yeah, my friend betrayed me and she continues to do so today, feeling happier than ever. But I graduated, so I hope not to see her again.
The funny thing about the story of a friend of mine ending up together with my bully is that it happened twice. My bestfriend of 10 years cut contact with me when I expressed my feelings about her boyfriend who bullied me in middle school. She basically dismissed every bad personality trait of his, and the desperation and mental torment he caused me. I thought we were each other's ride or die. That girl was more like a sister to me, but I couldn't understand how she'll forget and forgive him so easily, and let go of our life long friendship in his favor. I would have never done this to her, and the respect I had for our friendship was so strong that I wouldn't even look twice at someone who caused her any harm. She didn't feel the same.. that's the case with my friend from high school friend too. I wasn't that important for them as they were for me, and they both lack common sense and empathy.
But I won't see them ever again, huh?
I can just hope for better times, I got a life to look forward to, and my fears of not being able to make it to nineteen ended when I realized how easy it is to disappear from someone's life after graduation. I had good grades in spite of all my problems, I achieved great things by myself with no help and a broken heart. I should be confident now, since the words of those who bothered me are no longer ringing in my ears every day. I can move on, I can be free. I can stop being so self conscious.
The only thing that bothers me is the possibility of ending up in the same area as my ex-classmates when we finally go to college. I want to erase myself from their memory because next time we see each other I won't be the same loser they knew. And I'm scared that if I finally open up and live my life the way I always wanted to, the sight of them might make me revert to what I used to be.
At this point in time, my only friends are my journal, and my dog Cookie. And you know what? I'm grateful. I don't need anybody else at the moment. Let the healing begin
During the ceremony, while other graduates cried and hugged their friends goodbye, I sat there empty minded as if all my thoughts had vanished. I wasn't sad or happy. I felt tired.
An hour before the whole ceremony my whole class met to prepare for the event. They needed help fixing their robes and caps, so I was the one who helped all of them. I took that as my last act of trying to be seen and accepted, so I helped them first and took care of myself last, as I always seem to do.
At first I felt proud that I could help, but it was what I've always done anyways. It was nothing new.
After the ceremony I didn't feel like graduation was some big achievement. It didn't feel like the most important day of my life. I just felt tired.
I went home and placed my cap on a shelf for everyone to see. It looked nice, but it reminded me of all those years I've been ignored or judged and bullied. I think I just felt disrespected all the time, people treated me like I was either dumber than them or younger than them or both at the same time. Just because I didn't smoke, drink or went to parties and didn't know as many people as them gave my classmates some feeling of superiority that was so obvious to me. I can't believe being a "good kid" made others look at me and feel like I was less than them. I'll never understand their mindset, but I graduated now so who cares? I'll never see them again.
In all my four years of high school I had only one consistent friendship. My friend and I shared a desk in class and we'd chat and laugh with each other during breaks. I think my dream used to be for us two to continue our friendship in college too, but now I doubt it's gonna come true. Frankly, I don't think I wanna see her again either. She had relationship problems that I wouldn't hear the end of, and when something significant happened in her life she wouldn't tell me until much later.
My bully had a huge crush on her, and it broke my heart that in 10th grade she agreed to "test" going out with him under the pretense that they don't know each other that well. I couldn't imagine a world where some dude made my friend feel less than human but I accept to go out with him, and kiss his filthy mouth that dared to spew horrible words to my already depressed friend. I was so disappointed in her, and I think she betrayed me by giving him the time of day. Back then she didn't really wanna be with him, but nowadays, after graduation, she suddenly tells me that he makes her happy. She's never felt this happy ever before in her life, and he's the source for it all. She said, and I quote "I don't expect you to understand, but at this point nothing can change my mind about him. I like the way things are right now."
To me, that guy is a criminal. I was walking on eggshells around him all this time so that I won't get verbally abused. I cried myself to sleep every single night. I really suffered because of this guy and she knows it. She says the relationship can't last long because he doesn't want to go to college, but she'll enjoy the present. I couldn't take her happiness away. I couldn't tell her how heartbroken I felt when I realized that my experience didn't affect her at all, and she feels nothing about it. It's not like she tried to defend me back then or something, but I excused that thinking she was scared too. I went through it all alone, counting my days at 16 years old while she was drawing hearts around his name and texting him goodnight. I was crying quietly, rocking myself to sleep and wondering what did I ever do to upset my bully. So yeah, my friend betrayed me and she continues to do so today, feeling happier than ever. But I graduated, so I hope not to see her again.
The funny thing about the story of a friend of mine ending up together with my bully is that it happened twice. My bestfriend of 10 years cut contact with me when I expressed my feelings about her boyfriend who bullied me in middle school. She basically dismissed every bad personality trait of his, and the desperation and mental torment he caused me. I thought we were each other's ride or die. That girl was more like a sister to me, but I couldn't understand how she'll forget and forgive him so easily, and let go of our life long friendship in his favor. I would have never done this to her, and the respect I had for our friendship was so strong that I wouldn't even look twice at someone who caused her any harm. She didn't feel the same.. that's the case with my friend from high school friend too. I wasn't that important for them as they were for me, and they both lack common sense and empathy.
But I won't see them ever again, huh?
I can just hope for better times, I got a life to look forward to, and my fears of not being able to make it to nineteen ended when I realized how easy it is to disappear from someone's life after graduation. I had good grades in spite of all my problems, I achieved great things by myself with no help and a broken heart. I should be confident now, since the words of those who bothered me are no longer ringing in my ears every day. I can move on, I can be free. I can stop being so self conscious.
The only thing that bothers me is the possibility of ending up in the same area as my ex-classmates when we finally go to college. I want to erase myself from their memory because next time we see each other I won't be the same loser they knew. And I'm scared that if I finally open up and live my life the way I always wanted to, the sight of them might make me revert to what I used to be.
At this point in time, my only friends are my journal, and my dog Cookie. And you know what? I'm grateful. I don't need anybody else at the moment. Let the healing begin
