I’m done with old tapes, I’m throwing them away and switching to Blu Ray
I have this old tape running that causes me to sabotage friendships and relationships when I feel a real genuine connection. I know when it started and I thought it was protecting me, and at the time I guess it was in a way but it lead me to a life of isolation, of pushing the ones I lived away out of fear of abandonment. So of course abandon them before they abandon me, that makes sense. Then get mad at them because they are treating me badly after, because I pushed them away. It was a cycle of pain, victimhood, And abandonment.
This came up last night after a really good day and a good time with my friend. I let a story that I thought is protecting me from getting hurt by someone else who has proven to be untrustworthy interfere with my friendship with my friend. This other person is someone we work with that deploys triangulation using my friendship with her to mess with me.I let the way he uses us to fool myself into thinking she doesn’t care, when in reality we’re both subject to the weird behavior from him where whenever he comes around he takes all attention and makes it focus on him and his unrelateble self serving stories that only show him as the person in the right and everyone else is stupid. He will make an entire room go quiet, but not because what he has to say is important or interesting but because he will shut others down and bring it back to being about him. I let her not fighting his attempt to do that get to me and was actually getting mad at her until I saw the cycle that was repeating. I don’t want to push away the ones I love anymore, I work so hard to show others what they mean to me and then I try and take it back so that I don’t hurt them. This is and never was protecting me. I’m done with the defense mechanism
This came up last night after a really good day and a good time with my friend. I let a story that I thought is protecting me from getting hurt by someone else who has proven to be untrustworthy interfere with my friendship with my friend. This other person is someone we work with that deploys triangulation using my friendship with her to mess with me.I let the way he uses us to fool myself into thinking she doesn’t care, when in reality we’re both subject to the weird behavior from him where whenever he comes around he takes all attention and makes it focus on him and his unrelateble self serving stories that only show him as the person in the right and everyone else is stupid. He will make an entire room go quiet, but not because what he has to say is important or interesting but because he will shut others down and bring it back to being about him. I let her not fighting his attempt to do that get to me and was actually getting mad at her until I saw the cycle that was repeating. I don’t want to push away the ones I love anymore, I work so hard to show others what they mean to me and then I try and take it back so that I don’t hurt them. This is and never was protecting me. I’m done with the defense mechanism
36-40, M