I guess I'm just destined to die alone?

I'm an anxious piece of shit who looks at their hands when walking through a room. I look down immediately when someone walks past me. I can barely eek out a "hello" if someone greets me in passing. I have to hype myself up to ask anyone for anything. I feel like a burden asking for help.

As for the few friends I have I barely have time to see them or spend time with them, even play games with them. Even then I doubt I'm a very good friend. I can't hold a conversation, I'm terrible at giving compliments, I'm too anxious to give advice when a friend asks me for some.

Plus when people are nice to me I can't take it. I've been abused too much in my life to be able to handle being treated well. It's like I can't get close to someone who doesn't degrade or physically assault me on a daily basis. It's just what I'm used to.

Making new friends is so tough for me. I used to make personals ads on reddit but now I'm too anxious even for that. I wish I wasn't as alone as I am now.

Not even to mention the daily dysphoria that rots my brain and kills my confidence. And once I come out as trans in my irl life I'm gonna lose family in the blink of an eye. My family are deeply transphobic and I don't want nor need that shit in my life.

I'm doomed to be alone, depressed, paranoid and anxious until the day I inevitably pass on.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

dancingtongue · 80-89, M

I know the advice I am about to give is not as easy to do as it is for me to say it, but don't dismiss it out of hand. Stop worrying about how others will perceive you, and just be yourself. You needn't totally change your personality and become an extrovert, but stop fearing just being yourself. Yes, there are those, and they might even be a majority, who will avoid you or be uncomfortable around you, but you will be surprised that a few will be interested in getting to know you without you having to put out ads, or posing as something you are not. I would recommend Susan Cain's book Quiet about how to get along as an introvert in what has become a society emphasizing extroverts.

As for dying alone -- I suspect that happens to the vast majority of us. Despite all the obits referring to "passing away surrounded by friends and family", that has not been my experience. And I have now been there for the passing of two partners, as well as having been associated with the passing of my parents and other family members. Even when physically there to see them take their last breaths, they have been so comatose as to be alone in their passage. No last words, no "rosebud" escaping their lips.