I Have Social Anxiety And Its Made Me Lonely

I had three job interviews for a summer job this juni/juli/august.

First one was with a clientel suffering mental retardation and social problems. It was a group interview, with several other people. I knew the norwegian economy was in a slump, especially with the bad oil price. There were like 100-150 people applying for a couple of positions. I knew how much I needed this job, financially and self-esteem wise as the only other real option was taking my old man's hard earned cash, if no job presented itself this summer. The day before seemed like death row. On the day itself I kept working up sweat and anxiety levels while navigating to the relevant building where the interview was to be held. My anxiety levels during the interview was trough the roof. My stomach kept growling like an old car. I did make an ok impression but I kept thinking way to much about simple questions, kinda like my brain was not entirely present. I answered questions like a politician, sorta derailing and talking about a completely different ussue. I never heard anything from them.

Second interview was a job related towards drug addicts. My anxiety were trough the roof, same mentality as last time, "I must not loose this job! I badly need the money. If I can't get a job for the summer, I am worthless, everybody else has managed to get one so far. All my room mates and all the people in my terapy group, I can't be the only unemployed guy, that is humiliating. Don't fuck this up!". This time I strategized so much, thinking about questions and all the right respones. I made like this super strategy that: "I will be more humble and cooperative as a lot of people has given me feedback as being a cocky individual". Again my anxiety... Instead of giving the interviewers a decent response to what my good characteristics were, I just told them to call my former employes. Derailed questions, talking about the health sector instead of what they were really asking for. I did not get this job either.

Last job interview, I had really come to terms with just living of my dad's money this summer and instead read up on some academic litterature. I was really a bit in vacation modus. So sick and tired of stress and anxiety (finnished with all my exams). The day before I kept on gaming a lot, surfed the net, went to burger king and drank a lot of soda (things I usually avoid, as this upsets my stomach, something I really avoid doing before a job interview). I just kept focusing on other things besides the impending interview. I slept only a couple hours the night before. I came just 5 minutes before the interview was scheduled. Did not think about this as anything other than a small apointment I needed to get done this morning. I got interviewed by this lady, I answered all her questions in an almost perfect manner. Bodylanguage, voice tone, eye contact - everything was like a perfect game of chess. Even my stomach was perfectly stable, almost no anxiety, it was flawless. She told me during the interview that there were more people lined up for interviews. Needless, she hired me on the spot and told me to show up for work in 3 days.

Moral of the story. Free yourself from the outcome and the outcome will present itself.

Yeah... that makes sense. I mean, continuing on is what I want to do. The thing is... it's like "the world" won't let anyone else in. I know that sounds like I am disassociating myself from responsibility and that "the world" isn't even real - it's just a way to frame what I feel. But, I can't seem to create a circle (a world... whatever...) that is big enough, open enough, or inclusive enough for anyone else to even want to be a part of it. In the meantime, it's starting to spin out of control (well, not really) sensing I no longer want to be a part of its solitary bounty.

I guess that's a good way to look at it, justpeaceandlovr. Thanks. It's just that sometimes I wish my journey wasn't inside a world of one even though I know I'm the one who created that world that now won't release me or let anyone else in.

@MarkPaul Wish I had answers but the truth is I go minute by minute sometimes. It's never what I think it should be. But it is what it is, whatever that means for anyone in particular.

I want certain things to happen but seems I only have a certain amount of tools to get me what I want. So I have to keep searching till I have the right tools. Right now this moment is all I can handle. :) Sometimes I find myself in positions that I can't believe I'm handling. Lol... I don't understand life at all... I pray and hope all works out for the best for all...

What would happen if you did let sometime else in. I know for me the rejection I've gotten over and over could have hardened me and it still tries but then there's one person at the right time that says something profound and comes at the right time in my life that makes all the rejection be forgotten.

It's a continuous cycle. Deciding to continue on regardless of the bullshit the world tries to push on you, helps.

Strangely enough I get this. I've found that no one can understand your journey. Probably because they're trying to understand their own.

For me I'm just grateful that someone acknowledges what I have to say so I don't feel so all alone.

king, I am going to try this...