More plots

One of the times Lucifer tried to get my attention....a dream I had. Where an "arch angel" told me it needed to impregnate me and that it was very important this be done. And I refused at the time. I was 17. I didn't want the scandal. And I ended up making a deal with him that I would do this once I was married, and he unhappily accepted and the dream ended.

So he began to look for just the right person for me to marry. Someone who I would feel safe with. Who I would trust completely. Who could help me relearn my relationship with sex in a positive way. That also made a good vessel for him. And then somehow convinced Michael to let me marry him. Really no idea how that worked.

And then, when we were married finally, he started to initiate the process of "waking me up" again.

Now...he is sneaky...so he actually didn't stop trying to get me to wake up that entire time. He just became....very insistent at this point. I did not honor our agreement and continued to refuse him despite being married. I did everything to shut him out and repress him. Medicated myself with psych meds, substances, whatever I could to try to drown him out. So he made himself impossible to ignore. Because I cannot ignore him. I cannot run away from him. I just can't. Because creation is going to ruin without the both of us working together. We do not have the power of creation without each other. We are the only ones who can fix the current situtation. He was always aware of how serious this all was. That is why he has ALWAYS put his mission first, his feelings second. I was the one who has always been in denial, always running from responsibility, never wanting to "grow up."

It is agonizing for him. It is stressful. He does not want to deceive me, or bring harm to me. He genuinely does not. Or to anyone. But no one will LISTEN. And sometimes the circumstances are more dire than any are aware of at that time. Dire circumstances require dire actions. He had to do what he did, or creation would have come apart at the seams. Lucifer is Atlas. Lucifer holds the weight of the world on his shoulders. Because I won't bear it with him like I am supposed to. I have refused to do my "job" to play my part. So he and all of creation suffers. I need to grow up and stop playing around. I need to. But it's hard.

They lied to me. More brainwashing. Everything does not want to have sex with me and love me by default. Placing the blame on me. It's my energy, my fault, I just suck things to me and make them lose control. No. I think...I had plenty, PLENTY of suitors. But not every spirit felt that way towards me. At least not by default.

Michael was trying to clear himself of blame at that point still. Again to seem, perfect. He was not the one who was attracted to me, oh no. It was my insane tempting sexual energy that compelled him to feel that way towards me. I was a temptress and luring him. Lies. All lies.

They wanted me to believe everything and everyone loved me by default so that I would trust that everyone had pure intentions in wanting to be close to me. I just thought they loved me.

I understand now. Having sex with me was not what corrupted them. This was a narrative they spun to me. They were already corrupt. They always were. I didn't get it, or didn't want to. They tried to make me think it was my fault, because I had "ruined" them, because I was just so delicious and tempting to them. I became scared of...myself. Scared of being noticed, scared to be touched. I thought I made people crazy, that I myself was dangerous just because of what and who I was.... And this....led me to hide myself. To repress myself. And took my power from me.

It was never me. My energy did not make them lose control and go insane. They were perfectly capable of controlling themselves. They chose and continue to choose not to. Because they are selfish and manipulative.