Question to those of you who use pronouns

Can you please help solve a minor disagreement I have over this with a friend

When do you starting using “they” or similar pronouns when speaking to or corresponding with someone?

Background:

It started last summer when we held a seed exchange at a local park for our community group we started years ago. A guy from our group showed up with long hair, both ears pierced. His name is Jer short for Jerry. Jer was so sweet that we talked about how nice he was after he left. Jer lives with a lady and they have two kids. I kept referring to Jer as him/he but Kerri insisted we use the pronoun they.

to me, Jer just looked like a 1970s hippy but Kerri said that because he has both ears pierced and she noticed some feminine characteristics (which I did not) that he would be someone we would use pronouns for.

The disagreement is this. I say that we should not assume someone wants us to use pronouns and Kerri disagrees and says if they look like they could have characteristics of both male & female that we need to assign the “they” pronoun automatically

Ducky · 31-35, F

I’m with you on this. What if Jer doesn’t use they/them pronouns and goes male pronouns? Then your friend Kerri’s assumption is pointless and Jer might even take offense to her thinking he make and female characteristics. Even if he does use so-called neutral pronouns, all he needs to do is politely inform you of his pronouns, if it bothers him that much. From my experience, though, most who prefer they/them pronouns never make a big deal of others who “assign” pronouns to them and it’s more of a self-identity thing that they expect only from their circle of friends.