Losing someone you love is never easy, even after several losses, it still hurts, every time you lose someone that you love, even if you do not love them, losing someone even like, or care about it hurts. I know that losing someone by their own hands leaves behind so much pain, questions, and the unknown. When we know someone who is struggling, we want to do everything that we can to help them feel better, but sadly, we can't always help them feel better.
We never know the depth of someone's pain, and sorrow, we can talk to them, we can be there for them, and we can help them, but sometimes, we can't, and as horrible as we may feel about it, its not something that is a reflection on you.
I have been on both ends, one trying to help, and the one begging for help. I have struggled my entire life with mental illness and addiction. I have also been really good friends with people who have suffered from mental illness. It is never easy loving someone, or even caring about someone who struggles with mental illness, but when that mental illness takes over and you start to struggle with suicidal thoughts and tendencies, it can be beyond heartbreaking. The last thing you ever want to hear is that someone is so upset that they don't even want to live anymore.
I have had loved ones lose their battle One of my first heartbreaks was when my best friend from middle school, lost her battle with the cards she had been dealt. Losing her was a real wake-up to how cruel this world is, and the people in it. I carried her suicide with me for years and years. I still think of her often, however, I now know that she is at peace, and is no longer in the hell that she was in.
I know that her suicide haunted me for a long time, we were best friends, and while I knew she was hurting and going through some serious shit, I was just a kid myself and did not know how to handle it. Even now, what she was going through then, is something that I have myself gone through, but I still don't think I would be able to have stopped her, but I do know that I would have tried everything in my power to keep her here, but on the other end, I'd understand.
How could I possibly understand why someone would want to kill themselves? Well, it's simple really, because I have been there. I have wanted to kill myself, and not only have I wanted to, but I have also tried. I have wanted the pain to end so badly. I wanted to be free of my demons, so I get why someone would do it. Do I regret not being successful? Most days, no, but there are days where I kick myself for failing at ending my own life.
It is hard to explain, and I guess you have never been there, you couldn't possibly understand, you may try to empathize, but if you have not been that desperate to end your pain and suffering, then I just wanted to stop hurting, but on another token, I have experienced happiness, and joy, and to possibly never of had a chance to experience that again is disheartening.
I was working with in-patient therapy, but my insurance would only cover 14/30 days so I was going to be finishing via outpatient, but I received a call today that my insurance has been caped out with mental health coverage for the year, I was almost successful. I am thankful that no one has asked me how I feel about failing, because honestly, I have no idea right now. I am taking it day by day and that is the best that I can do. My therapist said that is okay, and that I do not have to justify how I am feeling, or how I am dealing with anyone.
I am currently adjusting to a new medication regimen and it's a bit brutal, it does not have the best side effects, and I am sleepy all the time and a bit in a fog, which I guess is better than what I was living with. I am also trying to adjust to the fact that the man who hurt me is out and sorta free, I understand that his life still is not his life and he is being closely watched and he probably had more freedom while in prison, but it hit me extremely hard when it happened and I will admit I did not handle it well and I am working on coping with it.
All I want to say, and I am not saying that it is going to happen, but should it, I am sorry, there is nothing that could have been done to prevent it, there was no amount of therapy, or different meds, or pep talk that could have changed it from happening. I tried the hardest I could for as long as I could.
No, this is not a cry for help, I am not currently having suicidal tendencies or urges, I will be safe and you will hear from me again soon. I just wanted to share some of my current thoughts, and what I have been going through since I was last around, and for that, I want to say I'm sorry.
