🎶I don't know why- I didn't come🎶

Social anxiety is a reality
Something my otherwise wonderful sister doesn't understand.
I hate large gatherings, even with family
I don't especially feel obligated to go to them all.

I went to this sister's boyfriend's memorial when he died last year, but I could not summon the courage to go to my other sister's husband's funeral this year.
Yes, all 3 of us lost our partners in a space of 2 years.
I tried all day and the day before to talk myself out of the paralyzing fear I felt, and then just made my apologies.
She was gracious.
It took several days for the guilt to subside.
That was several months ago.

Yesterday, I had a terrible panic attack about being alone.
I am not even sure what triggered it.
I have not had one in years.
I am better today and thinking a lot more clearly.

I had decided today I was going to do nothing, and I wasn't going to feel guilty about it.
It was one of the more peaceful days I have had since my husband died.

I am going to work on doing things one day at a time, being grateful for now that I don't have many obligations.
I was not making myself do a darn thing.
And then I realized that I wanted to do a few things, so I did them.

I am sitting here, now, listening to my old lady playlist and enjoying myself.
What a wonder to me the simple act of letting myself enjoy something.
It has been over 6 months since I could let myself do that.