July 25th blog entry

As some know my husband left me about two weeks ago. We were married for 7 years and have three children together. He told me he loves me but he is not in love with me anymore. Losing someone you love is hard, losing your best friend & major support system is unbareable. I never realized how much I leaned on him to get through those extremely dark moments. Up until about 3 minutes ago I had not cried, I was too angry, too much in shock to cry but now it seems like the tears are gonna keep falling no matter how bad I want them to stop.

I had a really bad flashback a few minutes ago, and it was really bad, really graphic and it made me wish I had someone to talk to, who understood why it's so hard for me, but wouldn't judge me and now I don't have that person to talk to, I don't have that someone in my corner rooting for me to get through these self harm urges. I now feel like I can't talk to him because we aren't together anymore. 😕 I remember thinking he would alwaus be there to help get through these moments and now I don't


So now here I sit in the dark trying to calm down from this panic attack, trying to keep my hands busy because if not then I don't know if ill be able to stop from doing what I wanna do.

I feel so alone, I feel like all those voices telling me that I was not good enough was true because it was clearly true because if I was good enough I wouldn't be alone like I am now. I guess I am just the type of person who doesn't deserve the happy good times .