I Spend a Lot of Time By Myself

... and I am thinking about spending more! So many crossroads are fast approaching in my life, and much like MY life, I don't always know which I might take until it is upon me. One juncture ahead seems to be whether or not to remain in a relationship. She has been kind, loving, loyal, and adventurous - but there are enough times I look forward to her heading off to work or to do chores. I love my solitude. Even her dog, who I adore, takes up JUST enough of my space (mental and physical) to make me wonder, "Is this the life for me?" I am not young... There is gray in my beard. Another crossroads, the advent of my children becoming adults, is also only a few sunsets away. I will always be DAD, but there will be a certain amount of both physical and mental freedom accompanying their heading off to college or whatever adventures their future's hold.

Yesterday I had the house to myself (well, had the dog nearby) and it was warm enough to open the door. I lay on the couch - sprawled - a sunny breeze working its way over me. I daydreamed I was somewhere in the desert southwest... in an old, but beautifully refinished airstream, at a friendly campground - the sounds of other neighborly campers interacting making its way to my ears. I dreamed I had community literally steps from my door and makeshift porch... and simply KNOWING that was enough to allow me to peacefully rest away my saturday afternoon.

WHy can't this be mine? Should I begin the arduous task of disentangling myself from this relationship that seems to interfere with my "aloneness"?

Ugh.