Barbed Wire Heart

I have been learning how to self-soothe a lot more recently. Not particularly because I've wanted to, but because situations have demanded it. I think that in my childhood, perhaps my mother was too responsive, so I grew up with a core belief that people cared for my best interests, and as long as I wasn't doing harm to them, they wouldn't want to do harm to me. Or better yet, if I was doing the opposite of harm... enhancing their life, giving them beauty... maybe they would want to return that too.

I have learned that none of that is true. Every year this lesson becomes more and more engrained in me. Sometimes I just want to give up, looking for that reciprocity. I hate the idea that I have to "earn" or "fool" someone into treating me the way that I want. But it seems like that's what everyone is looking for these days.

I know I'm wrong though. I know there are others out there who love to give just as much as I do, who love to be simply themselves, and crave to be accepted for that, flaws and all. They're maybe not the most sauve or seductive, maybe not the most cultured or studious, or even the most successful person in the room, feeling likely similarly to me in this moment. But in spite of all of that, still having a light or charm that shines brighter than any of those things. Awkward authenticity. Lol.

Perhaps one day we'll cross paths.

But until then I can continue to self-soothe. Remind myself that I am not broken, not everything is going to go my way, not everyone cares about my heart, and that's okay.

There must be a way to guard the heart while still leaving it open. I suspect that is what I'm going to attempt to do. And in order to be a better guard to myself, I need to begin studying myself, appreciating myself... realizing that what I'm guarding is valuable.

I imagine that if I believe it, others will believe it too.