I Am Lonely

Sometimes I'm too good at ignoring the world around me, at pushing people away, and I realize that it's been a very long time since I've actually talked to someone.

Don't know why I'm complaining, I've achieved exactly what I set out to do, push the world away from me and hide. But it's been weeks, or months, since any meaningful interactions with others, it's hard to track time.

It's like I want to forget just how forgettable I really am. I have recurring thoughts about suicide, I mean- I have for a very, very, very long time. That's been a thing for years at this point, so it's meh to me at this point.

I don't know what I want anymore. Even with free-time and the resources to pursue many things, I feel so... empty, drained, like a husk. However I decide to waste my time, it is alone, and devoid of contact.

I've carried this insurmountable burden of emotion for so long, and I do not think I can do so for very much longer, but I think it's ironic, and a bit funny, how my ordeal is a self-imposed one.

I could ask for help. It's right there, with all the other resources needed. But I never say a thing. I blame myself really.

I can't fix this.
I'm too prideful and ashamed of myself to ask for help.
I'm weak.

In my head, I feel like I should cry, or scream, or yell, or break something or anything, just -something- to show how much pain I'm in, but a blank and tired face is all that shows.

I wish I was normal
I wish I was okay
I wish I wasn't me

Numbness is all there is, and I don't want this anymore