I Feel Lonely
I've been living on my own for almost 20 years, but I've never felt lonely because of that. I enjoy the peace and quiet and not having to deal with relationship issues (like I did for the previous 13 years). My parents passed away two years ago. They lived overseas and we kept in touch by email, so when they passed away there wasn't any drastic change in my day-to-day life. Besides, they were in poor health, so when they passed away it was like "a blessing", like they say... My brother also lives overseas, and we keep in touch with Whatsapp and email.
When I divorced 19 years ago, my daughter was 3 years old. Thankfully, her mom always made a point that we (my daughter and I) always kept in touch. My ex remarried but they've always lived within a 10-minute drive from where I live. My ex is/was a part-time singer, so it became a "tradition" that every Friday evening, while my ex performed in a local restaurant, I'd just go to my daughter's place, bring dinner, watch TV and catch up. I'm self-employed and have been working from home for five years, so whenever my daughter needed a ride somewhere or help with anything she would just call me and I'd stop by (once she called me because there was a spider in her room and that's her #1 phobia... I dispatched the spider to the next life ten minutes later...).
My daughter hasn't got around getting her driving license yet, so when she started university two years ago, I offered to give her a ride to university two or three times a week (if she took public transit, the commute was 2 hours, but driving it's "just" 30 minutes). These drives were great to catch up. We would talk about music, politics, family, society, work, anything...
So of course Covid came around in March, online classes only, etc. No big deal, we still chat on the phone several times a week. Covid meant that her stepfather (businessman) needs to sell their house to get urgent cash, meanwhile they'll be renting somewhere else. Well, they'd been talking about "selling the house" and moving elsewhere for the last three years and nothing ever happened, lol.
This morning my daughter called me about some problems she was having with her laptop (it wasn't starting and it seemed to be a hardware problem). I work in IT so I offered to stop by and take her laptop to my place to see what I could do.
As I disassembled the laptop to try a few things, my daughter called to see if there was any "hope" for her laptop and we chatted about options and specs for a new laptop... Discussing shipping options, in case she had to buy a new laptop, she mentioned matter-of-factly that they had to be "out of the house" next Friday. They'll be moving out to the other side of town, about one hour away.
Then it hit me. I kept my cool and kept talking computer specs, but the truth is that my heart sank. At first I didn't really knew why, but I realized that, for the first time in my life, I'll have NO ONE I'm close with living near me. If my daughter needs help with anything, or needs a ride, or is just alone and hungry and wants me to bring something for us to have dinner together, well, that's not ever happening again. It's the end of an era.
Perhaps I alleviated the fact that I lived alone with the knowledge that I still counted, that I still could be "of help" for a loved one. My life as a parent had meaning and purpose.
So today it hit me that now, for the first time in my life, I'll be really "on my own". Sure I can visit my daughter whenever I want, but the reasons to take the 1-hour trip will be far and between. She'll never call me again just because she's alone and hungry and bored at home, she'll never call again to ask me for a ride for university or work or for meeting someone to buy or sell a book or a piece of clothing in Craigslist, etc.
I've realized that I've just became this void of uselessness.
I knew the day would come when my daughter (say) got married, or got a good job offer in another city or even another country. But that was sometime "in the future". So this was rather sudden and unexpected.
The end of an era.
I could just feel happy that, for the first time since 1988, I'm now back to being "truly single". Until now, I feel that I've always been sort on "stand by" in case my daughter needed anything, in case there was any emergency, etc. I was "always there for her". And that, I suppose, gave me a sense of purpose. Not anymore.
54 and "truly single". Doesn't feel great at all. And it's not like I have a lot of savings to take up a hobby or anything (or "dating", for that matter...)
I'll get used to it, I suppose...
When I divorced 19 years ago, my daughter was 3 years old. Thankfully, her mom always made a point that we (my daughter and I) always kept in touch. My ex remarried but they've always lived within a 10-minute drive from where I live. My ex is/was a part-time singer, so it became a "tradition" that every Friday evening, while my ex performed in a local restaurant, I'd just go to my daughter's place, bring dinner, watch TV and catch up. I'm self-employed and have been working from home for five years, so whenever my daughter needed a ride somewhere or help with anything she would just call me and I'd stop by (once she called me because there was a spider in her room and that's her #1 phobia... I dispatched the spider to the next life ten minutes later...).
My daughter hasn't got around getting her driving license yet, so when she started university two years ago, I offered to give her a ride to university two or three times a week (if she took public transit, the commute was 2 hours, but driving it's "just" 30 minutes). These drives were great to catch up. We would talk about music, politics, family, society, work, anything...
So of course Covid came around in March, online classes only, etc. No big deal, we still chat on the phone several times a week. Covid meant that her stepfather (businessman) needs to sell their house to get urgent cash, meanwhile they'll be renting somewhere else. Well, they'd been talking about "selling the house" and moving elsewhere for the last three years and nothing ever happened, lol.
This morning my daughter called me about some problems she was having with her laptop (it wasn't starting and it seemed to be a hardware problem). I work in IT so I offered to stop by and take her laptop to my place to see what I could do.
As I disassembled the laptop to try a few things, my daughter called to see if there was any "hope" for her laptop and we chatted about options and specs for a new laptop... Discussing shipping options, in case she had to buy a new laptop, she mentioned matter-of-factly that they had to be "out of the house" next Friday. They'll be moving out to the other side of town, about one hour away.
Then it hit me. I kept my cool and kept talking computer specs, but the truth is that my heart sank. At first I didn't really knew why, but I realized that, for the first time in my life, I'll have NO ONE I'm close with living near me. If my daughter needs help with anything, or needs a ride, or is just alone and hungry and wants me to bring something for us to have dinner together, well, that's not ever happening again. It's the end of an era.
Perhaps I alleviated the fact that I lived alone with the knowledge that I still counted, that I still could be "of help" for a loved one. My life as a parent had meaning and purpose.
So today it hit me that now, for the first time in my life, I'll be really "on my own". Sure I can visit my daughter whenever I want, but the reasons to take the 1-hour trip will be far and between. She'll never call me again just because she's alone and hungry and bored at home, she'll never call again to ask me for a ride for university or work or for meeting someone to buy or sell a book or a piece of clothing in Craigslist, etc.
I've realized that I've just became this void of uselessness.
I knew the day would come when my daughter (say) got married, or got a good job offer in another city or even another country. But that was sometime "in the future". So this was rather sudden and unexpected.
The end of an era.
I could just feel happy that, for the first time since 1988, I'm now back to being "truly single". Until now, I feel that I've always been sort on "stand by" in case my daughter needed anything, in case there was any emergency, etc. I was "always there for her". And that, I suppose, gave me a sense of purpose. Not anymore.
54 and "truly single". Doesn't feel great at all. And it's not like I have a lot of savings to take up a hobby or anything (or "dating", for that matter...)
I'll get used to it, I suppose...
