I Am Sad and Lonely
(I'm writing this in hopes to get my thoughts in order. I know I'm not the best person out there. And I know the internet is filled with not so great people too. So if you don't have anything helpfull to say, just don't say anything. Thank you)
My birthday sucked.
It was partially my fault. I don't have many friends, and since I didn't know what to do until the day before I didn't really warn them of anything in advance. It was only two friends. But as a result, both of them had plans for that day. Since my boyfriend lives in another country, that meant I was going to spend the day alone. In the moment I felt sad and wanted to cry. I felt lonely and pathetic and embarrassed. I didn't even tell anyone, besides my boyfriend, to everyone that called I said I was hanging out with my friends. I cried that night when I went to bed. But then, I started feeling that like this was better. I didn't have to stress out over where should we go have fun and eat, I didn't have to worry about my poor conversation skills, about of my friends are enjoying it or are bored. I started realizing that a big part of why I wanted a birthday with friends, hanging out, being social, etc, it's was more because I felt and worried that I would seem pathetic, the pathetic poor unsocial girl. I worried that my mom would get pissed off, she already got upset that I said I wanted to spend the day with my friends instead of her, I don't want to image how she would have reacted if I had said I prefered to spend the day ALONE rather than with her. And I worried my boyfriend would find me boring and uninteresting for not being social... I hate that I put so much worry into what other people might think about me.
But yes I started thinking that like this, being alone, it was even better. I couldn't do whatever the hell I wanted to do, when I wanted to do, without worrying about other people.
So my morning started out good, I went to have breakfast at Starbucks before class, my class went good, I even talked a bit with a couple of my new classmates...
But my bestfriend texted me saying that she would manage to meet me for lunch. This should have made me happy. But it didn't. I had already grown comfortable with the idea of spending the day alone. And she was bringing her mom. Basically she said well since me and my mom are very busy today we were thinking why don't we all have lunch together. I didn't have an excuse to say no... specially since the place she said for us to eat was in the area I had class. I didn't even get to pick the damn place to eat on my birthday. And the whole thing just felt like I was just pushed into a spot in their schedule where it was convenient (I already talked a bit more about this in another post). So I end up spending hours with her and her mom, it was awkward, her mom seemed to be in a bit of a mood (later i found out why), I didn't get to choose where we would eat (this might sound whiny but... I even had wanted to eat sushi and we end up in a completely different - and dark - restaurant). At least they payed for my lunch. And it was good food, even though it really wasn't what I had been looking forward to it. But all this messed up my plans completely. We spent way too many hours in that restaurant, which made me skip the hour I wanted to phone my boyfriend when he got off work, made me not have time to go visit some places I wanted, I wanted to go back to starbucks in the afternoon but also didn't have time (or space in my stomach) for it... It sounds silly, but siting down at a coffee shop in the afternoon for a coffee and a snack is an important part of my day, it's very relaxing and something I enjoy so I wanted that in my birthday. I ended up going to watch a movie, I though it would relax me and distract me. It didn't work out. I hadn't expected for it to have so many people, and that day my little social anxiety decided to be a bit stronger. I just wanted to enjoy the movie relatively alone, and hold my teddy bear (don't judge, I'm a little. Though some people probably don't know what that is. Just don't judge.) but couldn't. And the movie wasn't that great...so I kept thinking about how the day was sucking and not going according to plan. And even my boyfriend stopped texting back (I'm assumed he fell asleep) which made me feel even more alone. Actually I think that may have been the main thing to make me feel alone. I was ok with not being with my friends. But I need to keep talking to him. Then towards the end of that movie, my battery was dieing which was stressing me out because I was still hoping he would text back, and because I worried my mom or someone else would call and be upset/worried that I had my phone off. Also was worried that I might need the phone for an emergency. But what stressed me out the most was that my mom did call. And that made me feel so anxious and nervous. My heard was beating faster, my breathing was faster too, I was back to wanting to cry, and I was scared she would be upset that I wouldn't answer (even though I texted saying I was in the cinema). Of course that problem was solved, the movie ended shortly after, I bought a power bank and phone her and she wasn't upset, it was just my stupid brain and anxiety making me feel bad.
At least I manage to have sushi for dinner. Though it was a cheap sushi, the ones you buy already made in a box, and I ate in a corner alone, and in a hurry because I was seeing a second movie that started in 40 mins. That second movie was the only thing (well besides my breakfast) that went according to the original plan. I had planned on seeing that movie after dinner from the start. Thankfully I did manage to see it, and it was great, and I didn't feel anxious or wanting to cry from it.
I still cried on the way home and at night though... I couldn't help on the way home in the taxi but to think about how the day sucked, how it didn't go the way I wanted it to. Then when I get home to my grandma's house, where I stay a few days a week, she tells me how my mom phoned and how she asked me to let her know I got home. That made me feel anxious again. people reading this probably don't get it, and don't see how an innocent thing like this would bother me so much. But this tiny little thing is enough to make me feel suffocated by my mom's control. I hate that I have to keep telling her everywhere I go, I never feel completely free to go out at night because I always have to phone or text my mom letting her know when I'm home..
So I ended up getting in bed crying again.
My birthday sucked. It wasn't the worst though, but it was the second worst.
My birthday sucked.
It was partially my fault. I don't have many friends, and since I didn't know what to do until the day before I didn't really warn them of anything in advance. It was only two friends. But as a result, both of them had plans for that day. Since my boyfriend lives in another country, that meant I was going to spend the day alone. In the moment I felt sad and wanted to cry. I felt lonely and pathetic and embarrassed. I didn't even tell anyone, besides my boyfriend, to everyone that called I said I was hanging out with my friends. I cried that night when I went to bed. But then, I started feeling that like this was better. I didn't have to stress out over where should we go have fun and eat, I didn't have to worry about my poor conversation skills, about of my friends are enjoying it or are bored. I started realizing that a big part of why I wanted a birthday with friends, hanging out, being social, etc, it's was more because I felt and worried that I would seem pathetic, the pathetic poor unsocial girl. I worried that my mom would get pissed off, she already got upset that I said I wanted to spend the day with my friends instead of her, I don't want to image how she would have reacted if I had said I prefered to spend the day ALONE rather than with her. And I worried my boyfriend would find me boring and uninteresting for not being social... I hate that I put so much worry into what other people might think about me.
But yes I started thinking that like this, being alone, it was even better. I couldn't do whatever the hell I wanted to do, when I wanted to do, without worrying about other people.
So my morning started out good, I went to have breakfast at Starbucks before class, my class went good, I even talked a bit with a couple of my new classmates...
But my bestfriend texted me saying that she would manage to meet me for lunch. This should have made me happy. But it didn't. I had already grown comfortable with the idea of spending the day alone. And she was bringing her mom. Basically she said well since me and my mom are very busy today we were thinking why don't we all have lunch together. I didn't have an excuse to say no... specially since the place she said for us to eat was in the area I had class. I didn't even get to pick the damn place to eat on my birthday. And the whole thing just felt like I was just pushed into a spot in their schedule where it was convenient (I already talked a bit more about this in another post). So I end up spending hours with her and her mom, it was awkward, her mom seemed to be in a bit of a mood (later i found out why), I didn't get to choose where we would eat (this might sound whiny but... I even had wanted to eat sushi and we end up in a completely different - and dark - restaurant). At least they payed for my lunch. And it was good food, even though it really wasn't what I had been looking forward to it. But all this messed up my plans completely. We spent way too many hours in that restaurant, which made me skip the hour I wanted to phone my boyfriend when he got off work, made me not have time to go visit some places I wanted, I wanted to go back to starbucks in the afternoon but also didn't have time (or space in my stomach) for it... It sounds silly, but siting down at a coffee shop in the afternoon for a coffee and a snack is an important part of my day, it's very relaxing and something I enjoy so I wanted that in my birthday. I ended up going to watch a movie, I though it would relax me and distract me. It didn't work out. I hadn't expected for it to have so many people, and that day my little social anxiety decided to be a bit stronger. I just wanted to enjoy the movie relatively alone, and hold my teddy bear (don't judge, I'm a little. Though some people probably don't know what that is. Just don't judge.) but couldn't. And the movie wasn't that great...so I kept thinking about how the day was sucking and not going according to plan. And even my boyfriend stopped texting back (I'm assumed he fell asleep) which made me feel even more alone. Actually I think that may have been the main thing to make me feel alone. I was ok with not being with my friends. But I need to keep talking to him. Then towards the end of that movie, my battery was dieing which was stressing me out because I was still hoping he would text back, and because I worried my mom or someone else would call and be upset/worried that I had my phone off. Also was worried that I might need the phone for an emergency. But what stressed me out the most was that my mom did call. And that made me feel so anxious and nervous. My heard was beating faster, my breathing was faster too, I was back to wanting to cry, and I was scared she would be upset that I wouldn't answer (even though I texted saying I was in the cinema). Of course that problem was solved, the movie ended shortly after, I bought a power bank and phone her and she wasn't upset, it was just my stupid brain and anxiety making me feel bad.
At least I manage to have sushi for dinner. Though it was a cheap sushi, the ones you buy already made in a box, and I ate in a corner alone, and in a hurry because I was seeing a second movie that started in 40 mins. That second movie was the only thing (well besides my breakfast) that went according to the original plan. I had planned on seeing that movie after dinner from the start. Thankfully I did manage to see it, and it was great, and I didn't feel anxious or wanting to cry from it.
I still cried on the way home and at night though... I couldn't help on the way home in the taxi but to think about how the day sucked, how it didn't go the way I wanted it to. Then when I get home to my grandma's house, where I stay a few days a week, she tells me how my mom phoned and how she asked me to let her know I got home. That made me feel anxious again. people reading this probably don't get it, and don't see how an innocent thing like this would bother me so much. But this tiny little thing is enough to make me feel suffocated by my mom's control. I hate that I have to keep telling her everywhere I go, I never feel completely free to go out at night because I always have to phone or text my mom letting her know when I'm home..
So I ended up getting in bed crying again.
My birthday sucked. It wasn't the worst though, but it was the second worst.
31-35, F
