I Am Lonely
Slow death...
Alone... aloneness. Alone with all my friends - what a strange, yet accurate, concept. I have two amazing teenage children (almost adults!) and a woman who professes to love me. I have friends I spend time with, friends who check in on me and vice-versa, and friends I know are there even if years and miles separate us.
But the depth of my aloneness is a slow death. A depression, for sure - but more. It is literally killing me.
Things I have semi-committed to (like marriage down the road) are smothering me! Telling the one who loves me I will move half a continent from where I live now is an almost crippling idea! The thought of having to share my living space the REST of my life, of having few - if any - escapes from the woman who loves me is TERRIFYING!
And as I write this, I see my words and recognize they revolve around the subject of my relationship with HER. SHE is amazing - the most accepting, loving, adoring, supportive woman I could imagine being with. Yet...
I miss my aloneness.
I have given almost 18 years of my life to being a father. I have two years left before my youngest is an "adult" and I can, without shame, begin to live my life on my own terms again.
In so many ways I welcome the idea of not being accountable to anyone or anything - person, people, children, pets, mortgage...
Lost.
Alone... aloneness. Alone with all my friends - what a strange, yet accurate, concept. I have two amazing teenage children (almost adults!) and a woman who professes to love me. I have friends I spend time with, friends who check in on me and vice-versa, and friends I know are there even if years and miles separate us.
But the depth of my aloneness is a slow death. A depression, for sure - but more. It is literally killing me.
Things I have semi-committed to (like marriage down the road) are smothering me! Telling the one who loves me I will move half a continent from where I live now is an almost crippling idea! The thought of having to share my living space the REST of my life, of having few - if any - escapes from the woman who loves me is TERRIFYING!
And as I write this, I see my words and recognize they revolve around the subject of my relationship with HER. SHE is amazing - the most accepting, loving, adoring, supportive woman I could imagine being with. Yet...
I miss my aloneness.
I have given almost 18 years of my life to being a father. I have two years left before my youngest is an "adult" and I can, without shame, begin to live my life on my own terms again.
In so many ways I welcome the idea of not being accountable to anyone or anything - person, people, children, pets, mortgage...
Lost.
