I Am Lonely

I truly have no one. I mean, I have a few friends that are supportive but there are no adults in my life that I feel I can go to for support and I really need it. I'm 20 but emotionally, I'm a little kid who is so afraid of the world and just wants affection/comfort and to be told it will be okay. I am struggling so, so much right now and two people came into my life at the beginning of the year wanting to help me because they were concerned and I got so attached. A lot has happened since then but a couple of months ago they said they were going to support me and be there through something I'm finding very difficult with at the moment - they said they wanted to make me feel better and I believed them. I had hope and became more optimistic that things may just turn out okay because I wasn't so alone anymore but I've recently found out that they've both left and are unable to come back and they never even said. They've kind of just... left me and I've been crying so much because I finally thought someone cared about me and now I know they don't and I have to go through it all by myself and I don't know if I can. And the fact I got attached to them makes it so much worse because it hurts knowing they could just walk away so easy when they're aware of how unable to cope I am, plus I got to know and become familiar with them and all I wanted was to feel cared for and now I won't see them again and it sucks. I just don't know how I will cope with no one to be there. I can't support myself because I'm literally helpless and have to depend on other people. Ugh idk. 😓

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Cheesecake · 61-69, M

In what way are you helpless? Is it a physical thing or are you talking emotionally/psychologically?

wordsiheldback · 26-30, F

@Cheesecake emotionally and socially. My emotional age is a lot younger than my real age, plus I have very bad social anxiety which stops me from getting a job etc, and I practically stay indoors most of the time. I rely on adults to get me through as I just cannot support myself as an independent person and being so young emotionally means that I'm not mature enough or in the state of mind where I can do these things. It's complicated to explain.

Cheesecake · 61-69, M

@wordsiheldback okay, I see where you're coming from. My elder daughter has Asperger Syndrome, so has difficulties along those lines, especially with the anxiety and interpreting social contexts and behaviours. She's extremely bright but finds the big wide world a little more challenging than most. School had always been a real trial for her. She finds great comfort in art, which is her best subject, and is even staying on another two years to take further qualifications.
Have you ever had any kind of psychological assessment? It might be helpful. Forgive my prying :-)

wordsiheldback · 26-30, F

@Cheesecake No, it's fine don't worry. :) I believe I had one when I was a lot younger because I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism which I did overcome, and I think that's where the social anxiety comes from. But I have had no other kinds of assessments or diagnoses although I have often wondered about Asperger's like you mentioned and other underlying conditions I could have as there seems to be something more than just the anxiety around people. But I just don't know haha.

Cheesecake · 61-69, M

@wordsiheldback ah interesting about the mutism. You managed to conquer that so you obviously have determination and are pretty self-aware :-)
If you can, it might be good to have the Asperger's side of things looked into. My daughter is very high-functioning and you come across as an intelligent young woman so it need not hold you back in life. Indeed it may even do you a big favour to have things a bit more defined.
How do you mostly spend your time? What do you enjoy?

wordsiheldback · 26-30, F

@Cheesecake yeah I will try and look into it if I can, just in case. I know there's definitely something but it's just finding what it is. I feel so alien to the rest of the world sometimes lol.

To be honest, I don't spend my time doing too much because as I mentioned before, the anxiety stops me from getting a job and doing 'adult' things, but I do frequently see a couple of friends and go into town with them. And when I'm at home I like to read, write, draw... creative things really. I know you mentioned your daughter likes art and I can definitely relate to that. I also like music and playing guitar/ukulele. Other than that, I'm quite boring really lol. 😂

Cheesecake · 61-69, M

@wordsiheldback doesn't sound boring to me at all :-)
Those are all great ways to occupy your time. Both my daughters have ukes and the younger one plays accoustic guitar, sax, clarinet and keyboards, while our Aspie plays bass, as well as drums. I mess around on my guitars too but don't find much time to practise. I still love them though :-)
There's no reason you can't make a career out of something artistic or creative. D2 wants to be a musician and Aspie wants to be an artist - and I honestly believe they will both succeed so no reason you shouldn't have similar ambitions :-)

wordsiheldback · 26-30, F

@Cheesecake your daughters sound very talented and bright! :)

I've never really had any ambitions or known what I would like to do in life. The creative things I haven't done much recently because of low motivation and other things going on, and the guitar is mainly just for fun; it's not something I take too seriously or would like a career in. I think I would be more suited in writing as I can always find time to do that and I write almost every day. But for some reason I've always been completely clueless when it comes to figuring out what I want to do. It's just a blank and there's nothing I find I am particularly good or gifted at, but I think it's mostly down to low self-esteem and no confidence in my abilities. I don't really know.

Cheesecake · 61-69, M

@wordsiheldback well I'm not going to disagree with you on that! Thank you :-)
It's okay to not know what you want to do. I never did. Just muddled my way through life as best I could.
If you manage to write every day, that's a good sign, I would say. You must like doing it. Have you tried blogging?
Whatever you do, be kind to yourself. You're as good as anyone else and you have every right to do what makes you happy.
I just play guitar for fun too, when I can. I enjoy the sounds it makes, even in my hands :-)

wordsiheldback · 26-30, F

@Cheesecake yeah I definitely like writing. I find it very cathartic to sort through muddled thoughts inside my head and put them into some sort of structured form. A lot of the time I'm just writing in a journal about how I feel, things I've done, etc., but I also enjoy being creative with it like writing in metaphor for example. I also write poetry when I can - I find that helps too when I'm feeling a lot.

I have tried blogging but it's not really for me. I struggle to be really committed to something like that but maybe one day, who knows. 😁

Thank you! It's hard for me to believe it sometimes when I have so many doubts about myself but I do try. :)

Cheesecake · 61-69, M

@wordsiheldback trying is half the battle :-)
You do seem to express yourself very coherently - and I speak as a former journalist and editor - so certainly stick with the writing. And give yourself some credit for it :-)

wordsiheldback · 26-30, F

@Cheesecake Thank you :) it means a lot to hear that because I usually tell myself that I'm really bad at it, but I continue to stick with it anyway so hopefully I'm improving. :)

Cheesecake · 61-69, M

@wordsiheldback never give up on something you enjoy :-)
And if you ever feel despondent and need a pep-talk, just pm me. I usually check in at least once a day. You'll always be welcome :-)

wordsiheldback · 26-30, F

@Cheesecake Thank you, that's very kind! :)