I feel bad..

My grandma took me to eat, and she clearly wanted to talk about a lot, but the whole time my mind was overly chaotic and struggling to think about how much food was on the plate, and the obsession to track what I eat.. So I couldn't focus, and I know she could tell that I felt off.

It's bad.
I saw my doctor the other day, and she straight out asked me how my mental health is doing (regarding eating disorders), I told her it's fine, and then told her that I skipped eating a banana cause I didn't want the extra 100kcal, even tho my average intake - exercise is around 1000kcal, so I can easily fit that in.. She told me that I need to speak to my therapist about it, and to stop tracking everything I eat, but It's my coping mechanism right now, and he paused my sessions until I get my sleep in order..