Letter to myself 01: (from my hypomanic to my depressed self).
Hey you,
Right at this moment, I'm exhaused. I've been doing a lot of 24h shifts these days and work 5 days out of 07, sometimes the weekend included.
However, I still find myself waking up at 5.30 am regardless of when I slept (sometimes I would have 05 hours of sleep a night and live with it), which would be impossible when you are depressed.
I am having insomnia as I'm in my hypomanic phase (or neutral), and I know you have hypersomnia when you are depressed.
I always blamed you for sleeping a lot. For being so lazy. lol. And I pushed you to do more, work more, be more productive. When you were literally unable to, and your constant thoughts were:
"How am I going to get past today?"
"There is no point in going on with life, if I'm going to be like that for the rest of my life."
"I hate myself."
God, was I so harsh on you. Expecting you to be a person you are not, to be a version of you that you were not at the moment. I thought you were not trying hard enough and that's why you couldn't be the bright, sociable, sharp and productive version of you. I blamed your depression on your immaturity of dealing with some life circumstances (now I know as triggers) and I was not one bit merciful to you.
Now I know. It was not your fault, and it is not your fault. It is a part of your journey, of the adversities life throws at people to be able to grow.
When you read this, I hope you get it into your head that I love you, and I love these parts of you, depressed or hypomanic alike. I used to prefere this version of me and wanted you to disappear (before I knew of my diagnosis) but I regret that now. I love you, and I am so happy to have you alongside me... and I will try my best to take care of you.
Going through depression (a three 07-10 months long episodes during the past four years) made me empathic with my friends, my family and my patients. And able to help them in ways I never thought I could.
So thank you for being me, for being a part of me. I wouldn't trade you for anything in this world.
I love you,
Your past you. 💗
Right at this moment, I'm exhaused. I've been doing a lot of 24h shifts these days and work 5 days out of 07, sometimes the weekend included.
However, I still find myself waking up at 5.30 am regardless of when I slept (sometimes I would have 05 hours of sleep a night and live with it), which would be impossible when you are depressed.
I am having insomnia as I'm in my hypomanic phase (or neutral), and I know you have hypersomnia when you are depressed.
I always blamed you for sleeping a lot. For being so lazy. lol. And I pushed you to do more, work more, be more productive. When you were literally unable to, and your constant thoughts were:
"How am I going to get past today?"
"There is no point in going on with life, if I'm going to be like that for the rest of my life."
"I hate myself."
God, was I so harsh on you. Expecting you to be a person you are not, to be a version of you that you were not at the moment. I thought you were not trying hard enough and that's why you couldn't be the bright, sociable, sharp and productive version of you. I blamed your depression on your immaturity of dealing with some life circumstances (now I know as triggers) and I was not one bit merciful to you.
Now I know. It was not your fault, and it is not your fault. It is a part of your journey, of the adversities life throws at people to be able to grow.
When you read this, I hope you get it into your head that I love you, and I love these parts of you, depressed or hypomanic alike. I used to prefere this version of me and wanted you to disappear (before I knew of my diagnosis) but I regret that now. I love you, and I am so happy to have you alongside me... and I will try my best to take care of you.
Going through depression (a three 07-10 months long episodes during the past four years) made me empathic with my friends, my family and my patients. And able to help them in ways I never thought I could.
So thank you for being me, for being a part of me. I wouldn't trade you for anything in this world.
I love you,
Your past you. 💗
26-30, F
