In Hysteria

Do you ever get lost? Do you ever see shadows? Or something in your reflection you can’t quite understand? Do you have feelings? Are you numb? Or are you like me and you either feel everything or nothing at all? I used to say I would rather feel pain than nothing, but now, I don't mind the numbness. It’s calming. I don’t hurt. I also don’t react. Do you ever feel as if you ‘ve never existed? Everything that you see, hear, touch, and taste was only an illusion. What you think you know, never was. Who you think you knew, never existed. Sometimes, i feel like my body is trying to trick me; make it seem like its controlling me. My bodily functions are not my own anymore…i am a puppet. It seems the only authentic and true thing about me (and i know it makes me different than everyone else) is my mind. I know at least my mind is my own. I am aware of every single thought that runs into it…yet my emotions…are also….not my own. The things that set me off, are the same things that exhaust me. Thats not even the worst part. Emotions are so intense that they work their way into your brain, which in turn, changes your thoughts, but also at the same time controls them. Sometimes i wonder if my meds really work, or if my body is just stubborn like me, and refuses to take them in to torture me. The second i take my meds i swear my body chews it up and spits it out (i’ve never chewed and spit my meds, its a metaphor) faster than it takes for the chemicals to dissolve into my taste buds; to wait for the pressure to deflate like a hot air balloon. I wait. I wait until it’s ok for me to breathe; to blink. You hear your heartbeat in your ears, it’s so violent you swear you can feel the blood dripping. Inhale. Slowly. Now, listen closely but keep your eyes closed. Right now, name five things you can feel. Good. Now, name four things you can hear. Ok good keep going. Now, name three things you can taste. Alright. Now, name two things you can smell. Ok last one, it is going to be tough because… i want you to open your eyes and tell me the first thing you see. I take a deep breath, and slowly open my eyes. I see me, my reflection. I was sitting in a chair in front of the mirror. My heart beat is steady. I lean in close to my reflection to say something, almost afraid she would hear it. I look deep into her eyes, deep rich milk chocolate brown. I open my mouth to speak. It’s ok….You’re ok now.