I appreciate all of you that are so very kind to me here.

There are people who love you...I know because I’m one of them.
It pains me to see you refer to hating yourself. This is what you need to find a way to overcome, whether by counseling, medication or a combination of the two. Staying in the ward without getting real help with the issue is just a band-aid.
You mention discussing a crisis plan with your psychiatrist....hopefully that entails staying out of the ward if you can and only going in if it’s absolutely necessary to your life and health.
You can’t keep beating yourself up over something you did years ago....it will only drag you down. Please realize that, despite what you might sometimes feel, you are a beautiful and caring person and need to love yourself for who you are (as a number of us do). ❤️